There is a mountain before me. From the base of this rocky scope, I can not see the top. I know instantly that this is where God wants me to go. Without hesitation I begin my walk. There is resistance already bubbling as I preempt the journey that is to come. I am already imagining the pain that my body and mind are about to endure in this journey, and I have only taken a few steps. I am noticing the loneliness of this trek up the mountain, that has no peak from where I can see. Already my breath is quickening, even though there is not yet any incline. Already my heart is racing, even though I am yet to really start the climb. So consumed by the fears of going on this journey, that I seem to be barely moving at all. I look back and confirm that I have not moved far at all, though my body and mind are screaming at me that it is too much, I do not have what it takes to go on this journey. I have given up before I have even started.

“Take a step.” For the first time in this short lived trip at the bottom of the mountain, I notice the voice of my heart. “Now take another.” It is getting a little louder now. “One more step.” With each step forward, the voice of my heart becomes louder, and the voices in my mind slowly ease. My pace becomes steady, with the connection to my heart. Each breathe in and out, intentional, purposeful, powerful. “Look up.” I had not noticed that I was so consumed by blocking out my fear now, that I was missing the magnificent views that surrounded me. What I see takes my breath away. I am no longer at the base of the mountain. From where I stand, I can no longer see the point from where I first started, and I notice now that the anguish I felt when I first began is also a distant memory. From where I stand, I look around me and see how spectacular this earth is. I slowly turn around soaking in the panoramic views. The colours, the smells, the patterns, of nature as far as my eyes can see. In this moment, I feel so deeply connected to everything I almost do not want to leave this place.

“We must go on”. I can feel the voice of my heart is enjoying this trip, and the space of which I am taking in it. I can feel my heart’s joy as I completely surrender myself to embarking on this journey. I turn to face the next steps of this trek. From where I stand, I still see no peak, and the questions arise from my mind, “where can we possibly go from here? What more could I possibly experience that is greater than what I have just experienced now?” Right on cue, my heart replies “Take a step.” “Now take another.” “Look up.” One foot after the other, I climb the mountain, my eyes fixed ahead of me so that I can see all that there is to see. The thoughts come and go, willing me to believe in them, the stories they had to tell. “Give up. You are not strong enough. You are so tired. This is not worth your time. Just give up before you completely destroy yourself. You are going to hurt yourself. Just stop.” One foot after the other, I climb. I notice the thoughts, but I am looking up and I can see that there is so much more than what my thoughts would have me believe. I can see the brilliance of what creation can do. I can see how, one foot after the other, has birthed a sea of trees that stretch for eternity around me. This landscape was not created in a single step. It was created from one step, being firmly rooted into the earth, followed by another being firmly rooted into the earth, followed by another, followed by another. Knowing what I know now, I simply can not ever turn back. I must go on.

I sense that this journey God is taking me on today, is one that is not meant to have an ending. From where I stand, there is no base of the mountain and no peak. It is a journey that is ever unfolding, and the purpose of bringing me here was for me to meet with the thoughts of self doubt that have been pressing on me so heavily with the weight of the world. From where I stand, I can feel at peace in the moment by taking a second to pause and breathe in the beauty that surrounds me, even then my thoughts pause to soak in the wonder. From where I stand, I can recognise the pattern of thoughts that start every time I must go on, and I accept that they are here only to keep me safe, for which I am grateful. But knowing what I know now, and seeing what I see now, I simply can not go back. So on I must go.

One foot after the other, I continue to climb, I continue to look up. I leave this aspect of myself, who is tirelessly, willfully and joyfully climbing to new heights every damn day for me. I know that I can come back here to climb with her every time my thoughts need to be seen again, so that I can remember to step one foot in front of the other, and look up.

I am back in my seat now, and with a beautiful big breath in and out, I come back into my body. Ready to take one step, and then another, into the here and now.