A couple of months before the pandemic which has forced us all inside our shelters for a little introspection, I was making tea for the man I was dating at the time: I’m a coffee girl and I take it with a little milk, no sugar. He is a tea guy, going more for the sugar rush as opposed to the caffeine hit and as such, was at a loss to discover; I have no sugar. 

“No sugar?! How is that possible? You’re a Mom! You’re a bad Mom” he said, teasingly. “How are you going to bake your son cookies when you have no sugar?” I drew up to the cupboard where I keep my son’s goodies to show him I did, indeed, have cookies. A variety in fact. His sad reply was “It’s not the same thing”.

Of course, there are very few things better in life than a freshly baked cookie. And one made for you with love from your Mom? Priceless. The kind of Mom who bakes cookies probably sings while doing housework and doesn’t have to control the urge to day drink when the kids are being difficult to handle. I’ve always been a working Mom, career-focused, but I wondered about what I would be like as a parallel style stay-at-home Mom. In my darkest moments of motherhood, when I’m feeling like I’m missing out on understanding my child’s world, the guilt overwhelms me. I’ve often thought about walking away from my career to be exactly the cookie-baking type of Mom I think my Son deserves. Typically, I depend on quick and easy processed foods so I have time between his school and extracurriculars to fit in everything we “have to get done” before bedtime each night. I am not filling my boy with food made with love and this idea of baking cookies started to become an emblem for the type of changes I would make given the chance. The idea worked its way in and latched to the guilt.

I spent the last ten years focusing on developing a clinical practice that I have built into a successful and sustainable career. Long and late hours and a “head down, plow through” attitude have been the hallmark of my life for a decade. As is the case with most young professionals, the ability to grind through adversity and make choices on where and how to devote one’s attention, takes a toll. It contributed to the failure of my marriage and provided an escape from confronting problems. 

My career has always kept me physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted – placing me deeper in the “down” of my down-time. In that mind-frame, when an easier parenting option is available, I will take it; and when there is something that will hold his attention and give me a little break, I’ll allow it. 

The cookies and gummies and treats I buy are all individually wrapped and come in more wrapping adding to my guilt with its wastefulness. I love my son and was always trying to have fun with him, but I have been stuck in the rut of preparing the easiest, quickest meals I can on the go. This means pre-packaged treats for his snacks to keep him happy and compliant, a helpful component for an exhausted adult. Add to that fatigue, birthday parties, swimming, parks, museums, zoos, all the busy work to ensure he was tired and then slept well. While this all constitutes doing things together, yes, we were not cultivating the connection of being together and enjoying the moment. When my son was around 8 months old I remember, thinking, ‘He’s starting to look at me like he knows I don’t know what I’m doing’ and the sense of relief I felt handing him over to the expert ECC educators when he started daycare was real. I happily returned to my work grind.

The position I finally earned in late 2019, just prior to our current pandemic, was one that was going to allow me to make changes. Renovations and hiring at the clinic meant I could set new hours, work less, live more. I was already planning to focus more on parenting just as my son was starting to show signs of attachment issues, likely the result of his father and I separating. I was the one who moved out of the family home so I was the one he needed to know wasn’t going anywhere. My new schedule was going to give me time to do more “Good” Mom things like dropping my boy off at school, take him on road trips and go camping. I would get to better know his teachers and the parents of his friends and hopefully would loosen the grip of guilt I so often feel about our relationship.  And then the pandemic made its way to us.

The career I’ve worked so hard for is in ‘non-essential’ healthcare and overnight our clinic was shut down. My Son is out of school and his Dad can work from home thus leaving me with the burden of figuring out, very quickly, how to become a full-time, everyday, stay-at-home Mom. 

The one-bedroom, 750 square-foot apartment I moved to since the separation seems to have walls that expand and contract depending on our moods. He’s watching too much TV, of course, but there is also singing, dancing, crafting, fort-building, e-learning, board games, and reading. I have found better snack items to reduce the waste his near-constant eating produces and am challenging myself with better waste reduction tactics across the board. When I look to my son I see he is not scared. We have built an army of virus-fighting stuffed animals to protect us in our blanket-fort. I’ve let go of all the scheduling and am not trying to kill time each day. My life was so packed that I didn’t see that the pre-packaged, processed, convenience foods I was making time for, were also the most wasteful ones. Now, with more time and space to think about the broader impact, I can make the types of decisions that reduce my guilt and erase that cookie-baker envy.

It is a joy to sing and play and don costumes for the most important roles in our make-believe world. In a real way, this time of isolation has allowed me to play and poke around in a parallel life I’ve always wondered about. I can make actual changes in my loving relationships because I have the time to see things through rather than put up a quick fix to try and make it stick. I might not be baking cookies just yet, but I embody the spirit I was envious of not so long ago. We’ve planted seeds to watch grow, created playlists of our favorite songs, made living room science experiments, and laughed so hard we can’t speak.

My career is not over. After it’s safe again and we are allowed to emerge from our shelters, there will be a period of regrowth. I trust the relationships I have built over the last decade are strong enough to withstand this emergency and that my stories of bonding with my son during this time are exactly what my clients will want to hear.

I have learned to slow down. I have learned to listen and wait to speak so I can truly hear what’s being said. I have learned that the fun had while making a big mess is almost always worth the clean-up. 

Even though this time has been a struggle, in the most important ways, it has also been a blessing. I desire to be a member of a changing society where we recognize what is truly most important in our lives and not surpass or work through the joy it brings. I have an amazing connection with my child, who is happy and thriving. I have seen how my choices can directly impact his environment and made real changes to reduce waste. It’s a good start and I’m committed. We are a month into our new way of being and the bag of sugar that found a home in my cupboard remains unopened. As it turns out, some of the best Moms aren’t the cookie baking kind after all.