This week, when I was working with a new client, I was reminded of what it feels like to work with a coach for the first time.  It made me think about the difference between productive and unproductive coaching relationships.

When you’ve experienced a lot of coaching yourself, and when you work as a coach, it’s easy to forget that, as a client, you feel nervous at the outset.

Even though you’ve chosen this person you feel unsure about what’s to come. You wonder what they’re going to think of you. You wonder how much you’re going to have to expose yourself and what that’s going to feel like. You ask yourself what expectations the coach has of the outcome and whether they’re going to judge you as a ‘good’ client. Whatever that means. Every non-verbal and verbal response can feel like a judgement and there’s a desire to explain yourself to make sure that they really see things from your point of view, or from the perspective you want them to.

Projection & Expectation

There’s a part of you that wants to ‘perform’ well and meet the imaginary or projected expectations of the coach. There’s another part of you that wants to run out the door or shut down the call so that you can maintain control. I mean, we all know how to drive the behaviour we currently have, even if it’s unhelpful, we know we can do it!

What the client may not realise is that, to some degree or another, it feels the same for a coach. The client is also judging the coach. It’s like a first date. We trying to feel the connection and help the client to feel trust as quickly a possible.

We have to be on our game and ensure we observe everything, listen with the widest ears and take copious notes of precisely what the client is saying and resist our natural human programming of making assumptions and paraphrasing. Fortunately, since we’re more focused on the way a client says something, rather than precisely what they say, there’s no time to make judgements! And guess what? We understand that if you judge yourself harshly, we KNOW you’re judging us to the same degree! Ha!

Connection & Co-creation in Productive Coaching Relationships

As a coach, we have to present the electric socket to the client and give them the choice of connecting to the flow of current, or not. What’s more you never really know how long it’s going to take to achieve that connection so that you can co-create together. You’ve got to have a wide range of tools in your toolbox to manage any unconscious resistance that pops up out of the blue.

Just as you’re aware the client is trying to decide how open to be and whether or not it feels safe, you’re also trying to work out how much of the process steps you can share, without removing the whole experience from the now, giving the client’s conscious mind the tools to deflect, or minimising the chances of accessing the unconscious we need to support the client going forward. It’s ironic really, since the client is always in control, we can only take them where they want to go. And yet, that sounds easier to believe for the client than it actually is.

Teamwork Builds Productive Coaching Relationships

If you’ve never had a coaching session, and you’ve been surfing the net, you may see some people giving clear outcomes and timeframes. And that’s great. It just doesn’t always happen that way.

It’s a process of co-creation. You guide the client in and then you follow to wherever the client goes. Sometimes it can be predictable, sometimes it can’t. The coaching relationship requires a great deal of investment from both sides and it’s very far from a one-hit wonder, pop in the mind and jiggle around a bit experience! Ha! Sorry Tinder ?

Ready For Commitment?

If you’re sick of dating that never progresses and you’ve decided you want a committed relationship. Are you going to register on Tinder and find yourself swiping left and right or up and down based on looks? Not so much.

You’re going to open your mind beyond the immediate gratification of lust and look for someone who aligns with your values, can share your dreams and can give and receive support in a long term relationship. You’re going to find a dating site that specialises in matching life partners. Something a bit more Match Dot Com.

You’re in this together, on an equal basis and you’re working to get to know each other to understand how to make the most of the connection. You approach it for the longterm rather than a one-time meeting to achieve a checklist or a quick win. A few whizzy tools and techniques are no substitute for a relationship built with a future in mind.

The Self-Awareness Journey

When we’re working on the relationship we have with ourselves, things can get complicated. Just like on a first date, we try to make a good impression because we want to put the other person at ease, allowing us to get to know each other. It’s just, when we’re in a coaching relationship, we’re often having third or fourth date conversations in the first date. No matter how open a client wants to be, there’s something about it that feels unnaturally exposed and can make the unconscious mind ring the “GET OUT” alarm bell in our lizard brain.

Moreover, both people in the room, at some point have to address the big white elephant in the corner. Here it is ….We ALL lie to ourselves. We can’t help it. The reason doesn’t really matter and it sure as hell isn’t anyone else’s business unless we ask them to get involved. It’s just that when we engage with a coach, we’re asking the coach to get involved. We’re asking them to come into our wondrous web of truths and untruths. We have to explain to them that we’re not really sure which is which, and would they mind helping us do our filing? It can feel somewhat vulnerable and requires a trusting relationship.

Experience Can Be Useful For Productive Coaching Relationships

If you’re thinking about working with a coach, I’m going to let you into a little secret. Almost every coach trains as a coach to “find themselves”. They may have had coaching and then decided that they want to do this to impact the world or help other people. However, the training forces us to stare at ourselves and expose all of our little weird and wonderful behaviours. And when we come face to face with our ego, we realise that the only impact we have stems from partnership, it’s never a one-man show. We can’t ‘help’ people unless they’re in the market for helping themselves.

Just like driving, we are rarely highly skilled drivers when we first get our certificates. We develop our skills through practice, challenge, success, failure and achievement. What’s more, through the wonderful process of law of attraction we end up working deeper and deeper into the crevices of our own mind until we realise that the learning journey never ends. And that’s because life is a journey rather than a destination. It’s not a set of certificates or accolades, it’s a journey of experiences and connections.

So, when you’re sitting in front of a seasoned coach, you can be safe in the knowledge that they know what it’s like to feel vulnerable, scared, frustrated, uncertain, confused, angry, lost and lacking in faith. They also know what it’s like to feel like their real selves, to enjoy a sense of achievement and how to flow with their emotional compasses. They’ve arrived here in the room having, at some point or another, felt all of those things. They can empathise rather than sympathise and they probably have some pretty good ideas of how to guide you out of the darkest corners or your mind and elevate your strengths beyond your projections.

So, when we’re looking for someone to surf through our unique and wondrous weirdness, and introduce to our other half; you know, the voice living inside our head, we want to choose wisely. Take the Match Dot Com approach rather than Tinder slide and select for the most productive coaching relationship.

The relationship you choose will determine how deeply you can connect with your REAL self and to what degree you can grow into your ever-expanding potential.