when i began writing my own book…about a year ago now, i became obsessed with reading memoirs.

my book is about my own personal journey (s) thru depression…thru-out my life.  i am a person who was BORN with depression, and i believe this with every fiber of my being.  i am a person who “HAS” depression.  i have not had bouts of it here and there thru-out my life.  it lives in me, ALWAYS threatening to pull me down into it’s darkness, and tho i’ve learned many of the triggers and signs to keep myself from being pulled down, still at times, i don’t catch the triggers and signs fast enough before depression’s octopus like arms pull me down in it’s dark abyss.  the struggle is real.  the struggle is ongoing.

so, after this last journey thru the darkness (this time the depression lasted over 5 years and was joined by menopause which intensified all the hardest parts of being depressed), i decided that i wanted to write a book.  what i really wanted was to create something that i was always searching for myself, in terms of feeling validated and not alone in the things i was going thru that were NOT understood by those around me.  i wanted to create something for others…i wanted to reach out and let them know that THEY WERE NOT ALONE, no matter how alone they feel/felt…even when in rooms full of people/loved ones.  NOT being understood is it’s own lonely…and it’s a painful one.  they have those commercials about “hiding behind masks”, and people who do not suffer depression, often do not understand how real that becomes.  how if your real feelings of despair and darkness are revealed, people don’t know what to do, and they advice they offer, like “you have so many wonderful things in your life…be grateful..snap out of this”…just fall on ears that ALREADY KNOW that, but are completely UNable to FEEL the joy of those things.  people do not understand the UN part of UNable in depression.  so…you learn to hide, because your true feelings are just not accepted well.  your TRUTH makes people uncomfortable.  if you are TRUTHFUL…they do not want, or are often unable themselves, to see you, because of how it makes “them” feel.  being so UNseen…is the one of the loneliest things.

anyway…it’s a horrible place to be…that kind of alone-ness.  i just wanted to find a way to ease that loneliness, if it were at all possible, by using my words of understanding for anyone who mite pick up my (someday written) book.  i know that i, myself, looked for books that would comfort me somehow…and i wanted to BE that book and HAVE THOSE WORDS for others.  so…i started writing.  but it didn’t take me long to realize that in order to write it in the way that mattered so much to me in order to REACH people, i had to be willing to really dig into my own pain.  i had to allow myself to re-feel it, so that i could convey it in it’s total raw honesty.  that’s been a struggle, let me tell you.  but the importance of this to me…has pushed and motivated me thru the first third of my book.  i’m getting there.  or i was, until i got sick…and now i’m having trouble getting back on the project.  yet…it matters so much to me, that it’s a constant thing in my mind.  i KNOW that i have to finish it.  and i will.  but i digress from my topic…

when i first started writing, i realized that doing my book the way i was, was basically the same as writing a memoir.  i was just high-lighting the depression.  and so i began ordering and reading other memoirs.  not only was i inspired by the bravado that people shared their lives with, and the fact that my story could be read just as easily as the ones i was reading, but i learned something really beautiful that has changed how i “SEE” people…in that…more often than not, we really DON’T see people.  not for who they really are anyway.

most of the memoirs (not all tho) that i have read, have been those of famous people.  some for instances…i’ve read jane fondas, odem lamars, sally fields, diane keatons…just to name a few, and there are many more.  when you see these people on the big screens, or in any kind of public appearances…you just have no idea what they’ve been thru in their lives that brought them to these places and moments.  we SEE only what they show us in their famous moments….even years ongoing for some of them.  without knowing who they really are or the pains they’ve suffered.  that amazes me.  and then it doesn’t.  it’s how i’ve felt my whole life…UNseen.  so i feel a kinship with these people that i read.  i understand fully that they show what others deem acceptable and feel comfortable with, and how they fight horrible feelings of being alone for it.  and now when i see them in any performances or appearances…i just want to hold them and give them what they’ve needed and in many cases, not gotten.

the stories are inspiring, in that they’ve risen above their “hard spots” in many cases.  the stories in my life that have triggered some of my depressions, are things that i too, have risen above in regards to having been thru therapy and steps for healing.  but even having said that, i know that when people look at me…sometimes even my closest, most loved ones…they do not SEE me.  and i feel it’s because they cannot SEE what they don’t understand or haven’t experienced themselves.  it’s no one’s fault.  it’s just how it is.  but it can create a wall between people that is painful.

if i can get my words right while i write my book, and i can convey things in the most honest way to reach not only those suffering depression, but maybe help some people who don’t suffer, but are at a loss while loving someone depressed and struggling, it will feel just a little bit like what i go thru myself…is worth it…because it will at least have bred some sort of purpose and eventual meaning.  being UNseen, is the saddest thing ever.  being able to live your truth, even when it’s not pretty…is so important.  loving validation for those not so pretty places in our lives…is so important.

to be SEEN, is an amazing feeling.  i’ve rarely experienced it, which i think is why i write so much and have my whole life.  my AUTHENTICITY is spilled on pages of journals and letters never sent…as a life saving outlet.  but in that moment when you first realize that you are SEEN, the loneliness is eased…even for just a bit.  it’s a priceless gift.