Different perspective in healing and triggers.

I guess seeing people’s true intentions in their actions and words have changed how I let anyone close to me. I guess I put up my walls super duper high, and if you want to come into my little world, gotta be patient and climb. Learning how the mind works was something I needed to understand by researching, books, different observations in different social situations and I love crime shows. By being honest with myself it had helped me understand myself and my triggers.

By understanding what had triggered  me and where it was coming from was the first step, I took into helping myself with my traumas. At first it was ugly trying to find my way through that mess, it was hard I ended up relapsing from getting triggered so much and not being in a safe environment either. I did get off the drugs a few months later, after finding out about my sister being sick with cancer and I just coming to face that I could lost it which I worked so hard for everything. So when I made that decision to stop again, I had decided to stop doing it for myself (its very important)  and I can finally stop hurting so much.

The trigger I had worked on was loud bangs against the wall like some being thrown against the wall or two people fighting in another room. I was in my older sister’s living room with my brother who was on a different couch on his phone. There was a roofing company working on the apartment building that day, so when they came over the living room nailing the roofing in. I was triggered, but I was aware I was being triggered. I knew my brother was there in the room with me (unaware if he knew how much he had helped in that moment, as we don’t really speak), I knew it was the roofing guys were making the banging noise on the ceiling, and I knew no one was being hurt at the time.

I knew I was in a safe environment and that was really important at the time because I would have walked out of there or been irrational about something small. I sat there through the banging, breathing in and out, telling myself “I was safe I was safe I was safe.”. My heart was feeling like it was going to burst from my chest from beating so fast because how scared I was. I knew I was safe, so I stayed until I was finally able to calm my breathing and the roofing guys had stopped. I didn’t move till they had left the parking lot, I just sat there trying to escape what I had just put myself though.

The reason why banging on the wall was a trigger was I grew up with my mother being abused by men in her life. I have heard my mother get beaten, and no one doing a thing about it. I have seen my father get beaten up by some one who was a friend of the family and call the cops to help to him. I have heard my father with his exes, not sure what it was but it was a trigger.

I did not have the best childhood and I still get flashbacks as I have bits of pieces of memory of it. Its like how the mind protects itself by locking up the memories of trauma from childhood.

I think that’s enough self reflecting tonight now I got what I needed out to share.

This is my own experience and not all things works the same as with others.

Until I figure out what else to write about what I’ve done or need to say.