I remember laying in the hospital bed after delivering my baby. The nurses all left, their job was done. The baby was here. The father of my child had gone to sleep. The amazement of birth had passed as quickly as it had come. Here we were. Newborn baby and new mother alone. That first night I sat awake in bed holding my child as he slept safe and warm in my arms, I remember crying softly as to not wake my ex, after all, he had worked all day and was with me through my 9-hour labor. He deserved some sleep. So I cried, quietly, looking down at this sweet little boy I brought into the world. Knowing that we were alone in this world.

When I think back to the newborn stage, I remember the loneliness of motherhood. The silent cries of learning how to care for a tiny human as well as care for myself.

Change the baby’s diaper then go to the bathroom and change my own diaper. Remember to wait for the water to warm up before I fill my peri bottle. Spray the area with numbing spray. But do it quickly because the baby needs to eat.

The start of motherhood is not glamorous. It is hard and painful. And for myself it was lonely. So lonely. There was no family nearby. To friends to visit. Just baby and me.

My ex worked 80-hour weeks and I stayed home. He worked and when he came home he was off of work. When I was at home I was at work. I never left the house.

My child was taken care of. I took care of him, his dad took care of him, his dad’s family came to hold him, and so did mine. His needs were always met. He was safe, loved, fed, and clean. No cry went unheard.

I took care of myself. My needs were not always met. I went hungry but I made sure dinner was made for my family. Took 5-minute showers when I could but cleaned the home. And did my best to learn to love the new me that had been born. To accept the body that made another being. My cries fell on deaf ears. How can a new mother be sad? What is there to be sad about?

While I struggled to learn how to breastfeed my child I also learned that breastfeeding is apparently sexual. Being shamed for feeding my child in what I thought was the safety of my own home. “Take it to the room.” “No one needs to see that.” “Babies like to be covered anyways.”

This was my journey in motherhood.

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