My apparent lack of wish fulfillment caught up with me today. It hit me while on a slightly rainy run; it caused me to stop and yell out “I give up”!

It wasn’t a “whiny-ass, woe is me” moment, but a flash of recognition in that shout. I guess the universe heard me, because all of a sudden there was a torrential downpour and gusts of wind kicked up (the wind and I do not get along).

Today equals not just moments, but multiple hours of recognition. Recognizing that I am basically in the same place I was five, 10, 15 years ago, in relation to the success of my outward goals.

By electing to end the battle of wills with the universe vs. me, you’d think the universe would do the happy dance. Not so, first there was the pouring rain, followed by a flat tire. Awesome! Where’s my universal fairy godmother?!

Now I realize there is the whole kit and caboodle of innergoals, peace, love, tranquility, birds singing and wrapping beautiful ribbons in my hair as I embrace the meaning of life. Yes, I definitely do have those voices inside my head, which over time has resulted in my dumping a ton of inner baggage into the already polluted Mississippi River.

I call my heart, my home. I possess a ton of inner peace; feel joy and contentment on a regular basis with a dash of excitement most days. Interspersed in this “potato cheddar soup”(bad for me, but so good!) are feelings of discontent, sadness and “old” worn out patterns, which are like bad 80’s songs replaying in my head on days such as today.

I am “pretty” whole, accepting all my bad, good and ugly.

What sucks today is that I realize with all the “inside” work, which indeed created a shift in how my “outside” work looks, there ain’t no action showing any improvement or success.

I am an action, doer kinda chick. I see a pattern; I take action to change it, poof just like that! And that pattern becomes a sweat bead rolling down my nose to join the pool below (thank you, downward dog).

In bringing down the house with action, I have beaten the ground, the air and myself multiple times to get in alignment and be okay with who I am. This has resulted in a sum zero in terms of visible “real life” goals.

I am no closer to a real committed relationship than I am to visiting Bali. I am no closer to career success than I am to being Dolly Parton.  The list branches out from there.

It’s all fine and dandy to have inner fulfillment, but why does my life feel like a broken down tricycle?

I have spent years, actually, make that decades with a microscope tuned into my inner being. My edict was to find the dust mite of a pattern that would be holding me back from success.

Where was that drawbridge hidden in the dark leading me to the castle of secret realization?

I had an ongoing dance with believing “I am a failure, deserve to be punished and must suffer”. Yep, got all that sorta potpourri of beliefs that suck and I have enough awareness to catch myself more often than not, before I do something to support that old dance.

Obviously, I must need something besides reading glasses (which I keep refusing to use) to see what stops me right in my tracks.

I have heard and practiced the philosophy of once you have the inner temple built, your outside nirvana begins…well my temple will always be a work in progress, and that concept is acceptable to me.

It’s this darn real life thing; I keep looking for the inner peace to show up as groovy in my “real world”.

What this has all come to is the opportunity to “give up”.

Let it all go.

Let my dreams and goals; just be as they are without my input or participation.

Stop taking action, do what I want all the time.

Whether it is to write a story, paint a painting, hang out, do yoga, hike, etc.… and figure the bills will pay themselves?

It is almost as though I climbed to the top o’ the mountain and after virtually falling off numerous times, I land at the destination. And it is no different than the climb (Yeah, yeah, I already know to enjoy the journey). I am still without the gift of attainment, except displaying I survived the climb.

If I take the Buddhist perspective, it may be etched as a time to just “be”. Stay with the stillness of where my life is currently plateaued and as I stated, enjoy the activities that come to me.

I have gone through times of letting go and floating down the river of flow. It does change things, because my resistance is no longer here…but the gratifying achievement I am seeking to walk beside me down this road has not appeared and therefore, I give up. Or in other words, I surrender.

And yes, I need to end this on a happy note…so I notice the flicker of light in the grey…

 Edited by Hayley Samuelson.

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Tracy is a hyphenate: female, writer, curiosity quencher, artist, poet, gardener of real gardens and existential ones, clairvoyant, momma to grown ups, life coach and real, imperfect chick. Loves life, even days when she doesn’t like it and appreciate, appreciation for everything. Website: www.13degreez.com and Blog: 13degreez.wordpress.com