The past few weeks I have been torturing myself, self-sabotaging as I continue on a frenzy of asking, “Why the fuck do I people please?” After reading my friend and mentor Erin Lauvick’s blog, I feel the need to express my sadness. I have been hating myself because I know what it’s like to be rejected. That’s the reason it’s difficult for me to be so honest with anyone. Because I’d hate for them to feel rejection. The rejection I felt in my childhood caused me to force myself into a mold – a mold that I wasn’t meant to fit in at all.

I know I have codependency issues and I have wanted to be rid of them for years. The worst part of it is I don’t like to reach out to anyone because I am afraid of being found out. Found out that I’m not this perfect person. Everything about me is a puzzle that’s put together, but it’s not who I am. I know that because I don’t even know who I really am. I’m the result of all my shortcomings, my mistakes, my pains, and my unlovable attitude. But I’m also the good I’ve done, the people I’ve made laugh and smile, and the many more I’ve helped. If I could put it all in a cylinder and shake with all my might, would all the bad things sink to the bottom? Or would I just drown in all the muck?

Just because you’ve seen me at my best doesn’t mean I will always be at my best. I have my moments of despair. And unlike some people, you’ll know when I hit rock bottom. Don’t take it as weakness when I show my emotions. It doesn’t matter what emotions you are showing if they’re a part of you. Embrace the shit out of them because accepting them can improve your life. It may take time because you will only BE when you are ready to accept to grow. This is why I am having a hard time; it’s hard for me to accept myself. But accepting myself means growing and learning, and so that’s what I’m going to do.

I just want to grow. I heard on the TV once, “Never change. Only grow.” I’ve always aimed for growth, but I can never get used to what this journey really is and how it ought to feel. I have so many demons inside me that I can’t even say certain things out loud, not even to myself. The feeling of shame and guilt kills me so very softly and slowly.

It’s so pathetic that I feel this way at this age and I am tired of pleasing people and hurting this way. I know I should always say what I feel but, in all honesty, I’m hurting so much that no one should have to deal with what I have to say. I just don’t have the courage to hurt the person intentionally.

It’s amazing that I can only recall one event in my lifetime during which I fell apart before this journey I am taking. It’s not clear as to why I was crying on the floor of my bathroom. I just remember my ex Jason in front of me, not saying anything but just being there. I don’t even remember if I even thanked him for that night. That was the last time I broke down badly.

Now that I am in this self-evolution journey, it’s a never-ending roller coaster ride of emotional and vulnerable feelings. It’s not that I’m ashamed to show others I’m crying. It’s just that I don’t want to be seen.

When some see you as this joyful person or this aggressive person and others don’t, something is wrong. But it’s not always true, because I like the silence, the peace, and the fact that my mind isn’t running a hundred miles a minute wasting energy on something so minuscule and useless.

Dear God, guide me and keep me moving forward in this path you have for me. For I know that I will be better than where I am at right now.  You keep blessing me with these wonderful opportunities and lessons, and I must learn along the way. Give me the courage and resilience to stand on my own belief and integrity.  Keep me grounded with all the chaos that goes on inside of me.