We are all captains of ships that we’re sailing on the oceans rough seas while trying to do other tasks as well on our way to an important destination. Sometimes we are immersed in our duties on board, not worried because the direction has been set. But how is it when we are not good navigators of our ships, or our life vessels, so to speak? How do we cope with the sinking feeling of our very livliness sinking?

A mother knows,seeing a sea of messiness in her home after days of diligent cleaning while kids steadily create more chaotic noise is defeating. Any teacher feels, seeing students behaving in chaos & not doing their given assignment while denying their teacher respect is rude. Any wife knows not being at peace with her spouse let alone receiving mental appreciation is depressing. And any human knows, being in constant pain in our body due to some chronic condition is unfair, unbearable without the proper medical help.

My essence,my spirit,my soul…was simultaneously stuck on those four sinking ships. There was the ship of the three children with energy of their own and extra despair & drama. There were five of my classes of about 20 kids each, with students that have their own intentions, despite any interventions I made,they would argue & cause more chaos. And then there was the sinking ship of me barely being able to understand the political viewpoints of my spouse and him not agreeing with mine, therefore the big ocean’s hard currents drifted us apart. Finally,my body was falling apart as I pushed it too far doing exercise competitions, wracking pain to my lower back,& finally causing pinching on two nerves sending sciatic pain down my right side.

They say that negativity is like a ship with a hole in it; it will only sink you if you continue to let the water into it. Well, two out of my four ships sank. The biggest ship was my career of 13 years. I resigned for my job as a teacher; my nerves couldn’t take teaching middle schoolers anymore. Essentially the kids had sunken my “teaching desire” ship that I had been steering so long. It was as if I had been in the military; it felt like I had this certain lifestyle of enduring never-ending stress for years teaching preteens & teenagers. It created a certain amount of PTSD for me. I had encountered so much mental disruption and overreaching to try and help everyone. I was always available & the hull was thinning, becoming weaker. So when an incident pierced a weaker area for me, on a day when my sciatica was bad, this ship sank abruptly. After a student that I disciplined for bad words turned me in for some of my own discouraged words. And instead of the dishonor of being let go, I knew it was time for me to let go.

And my body,the signs had been occuring since 2018, before I left teaching high school…I recovered that year from not being able to walk normally for six weeks. But this back issue came back to haunt me in 2020,& ever since February 2021…well every day has been a struggle to walk normally. Whereas, before I had been running and joyfully dancing. Now, humiliatingly enough, this body… my vessel…was walking around with a cane…or stopping every 20-100m to drop to the ground in pain. And at this point, it will take a new career with health insurance to help me afford surgery most likely as chiropractor care has only been an occasional relief.

I am always a mother; I will never leave that..though I’ve often hurt my kids by yelling,” Why did I ever have kids?! They’re so stressful. Why do people have kids?!” But this vessel if motherhood was a concious choice I made one day in college. It was not a surprise, although my third child is the “bonus baby”.

I can improve on how to work with my children and not let their stress get to me. As I stayed home, on leave from my job, I was taking my older two kids to school ànd able to play with my 3 year old who has been with my husband, a stay-at-home dad, for the past two years. Besides the forced COVID quarantine, I got to have more time with him. I got to enjoy what usually my husband himself does. I felt resentment,”It’s not fair that I had to work so hard and he got to stay home with our son,” but at least I am able to now. I’m of the notion, that our third child was God’s gift to my husband, as I was about done having kids after #2. But this time with him has helped me a bit. There is so much I can learn when it comes to creating quality time with each of them or individually. So, they can help me steer the ship of motherhood.

The Marriage ship has not been easy for me. It already has holes in that have been patched over thinly,& sometimes Ive had to go back and patch them up again. We are  co-captain,& sometimes we argue over where we are going, but I have a little boat that I can go out on and watch the sunset when I need to breathe. We are different entities,but that doesn’t mean we haven’t learn to be one with our ship. I say “We” & the kids “our passengers” challenge our teamwork everyday. But when they say “opposites attract” be ready to be a good,patient listener when you don’t agree…be calm during the storm. Pray that the ship will not sink…I did.

Ships can’t be easily turned around,& I’m not on a bunch of speed boats. Though, I hope to salvage my main vessel by repairing it, the old sunken career will be fodder for stories/lessons/wisdom & then replaced with a newer model which I shall steer carefully…I will make sure it doesn’t take over my life and affect the nuclear family ships. Each will get their turn. Each will be savored for their presence without any desire to poke holes. And if for some reason it happens miles later, I will take my life boat on whoever wants to go with me to a quieter existence on the shore, feet in the sand, & telling stories over the waves.