Until my early 30s my mindset was very fixed and quite skewed. This is an acknowledgement of a deep lack of self-acceptance and self-love, which created a vicious cycle of low self-esteem, neglect and unhappiness.

I viewed myself through a warped lens. Deep down I felt that I wasn’t worthy, that I was flawed and unlovable. Unclear of the cause of my unhappiness, it took a long time to find the jigsaw pieces and put them together, eventually revealing the bigger picture of what was “the matter”. I know that I’m not alone in this. Many of us struggle to develop a sense of self-acceptance and self-love.

Somehow I muddled through in my 20s and early 30s. I was the first member of my family to graduate from university, followed by a master’s degree in Psychotherapy. I pursued a career as a therapist. I was doing well. Yet I still felt this void within me, with a hunger needing to be satisfied.

I had a tendency to suspend my happiness and contentment. With hard and fast beliefs such as “I’ll be happy when…” I lose 3, 7 or 10lbs or when I graduate from University or earn more money, I’m in a meaningful relationship, marry… then I will be truly happy.

As I entered my 30s and I was introduced to Mindfulness, I began to realize that our deepest joy comes from living in the moment, making happiness a decision; as well expressing our gratitude. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve ourselves and achieve, yet there is when we place our inner peace “on hold” or our self-worth depends on it!

Yet, back in my 20s I was always chasing the next thing, to make me feel complete, acceptable and more lovable. It was exhausting and painfully unfruitful, especially as the goal post always moved.

A turning point emerged when at age 25 I stood naked in front of a mirror. I was supposedly my “ideal body weight”. As I stared at the reflection looking back my heart sunk. I was so desperately disappointed and deeply unhappy.

The illusion came crashing down as the pennies started to cascade into a flood of emotions, followed by the realization that my “I’ll be happy when I’m skinny” was a big fat lie, if you pardon the pun! I had worked so hard, dieted, massively deprived myself and this still wasn’t enough.

Some of my other illusions were dispelled in a similar way. I began to question what is really going on here? This experience started me on an inward journey, that continues to this day.

Below are 6 lessons learned (and I’m still learning) from my road to recovery and useful tips that helped me; How shining light on the shadow aspects of our psyche can have a profound impact on how our lives unfold. I truly hope that what follows will be of service to you.

1.  There’s no quick fixes baby! – This was a disappointing and painful realization. I remember my first therapy session. I read out loud to my therapist, a long list of what I wanted to “fix” in 6 months or less… I can smile about it now, but I really meant it at the time!

We live in a world of fast food, click bait & Tinder, which perpetuates the somewhat  unrealistic expectation that everything is at our fingertips or on speed dial “I want it all… and I want it now” as Freddie Mercury once said! That may work for fast love and fast food – but for lasting change? Nah, I’ve yet to be convinced.

Deep shit that runs deep, such as a lack of self-worth, takes time to figure out and heal. Sure, there are amazing energy healing and therapies that can speed up the process but for the most part it takes time, kindness and generosity towards ourselves. My experience has shown me that unrealistic expectations can cause a lot of additional pain.

Top tip – Reminding ourselves that we are worth the effort, time and money that’s involved in this journey is key. The incremental improvements, insight, changes and small wins (sometimes big wins) all add up.  

2.  Rome wasn’t built in a day! – This depends on our starting point, but as we begin this glorious voyage of creating a soul-led life, it pays to be open to change knowing that it takes time and energy. Consider how long the negative self-talk has been on repeat! It will take time to gently and lovingly re-programme our inner dialogue! Taking an honest look at ourselves isn’t easy, but it is immensely rewarding. It can be a process of insights, progress, stumbling, getting back up, dusting ourselves down and repeat.

Nothing stays the same. It either gets better or worse, moves forwards or backwards. In time, if we don’t make an effort to heal our wounds and shine light on our shadow side, we are likely to repeat the same ol’ patterns that keep us stuck and miserable. There is a huge pay-off to starting the process and putting one foot in front of the other – Hallelujah to that!

Top tip – Taking the time and space to acknowledge and embody any progress we have made, and celebrating the small wins, is so empowering.  Let’s remember to be kind to ourselves when we feel we haven’t made the progress we’d like to. Course-correction is always an option to getting back on track – kindness and patience above all else.

3.  Nourish your soul – Bubble baths, mindful walks in nature, digital detox, massage and all that jazz are beautiful and much needed. Yet, nourishing the soul can also take the form of doing our tax return, paying our bills and acts of self-mastery. Particularly, as putting off these often dull and mundane tasks can create anxiety and angst. Our thoughts often tell us we don’t have time to nourish our souls. This is where listening to the prompts of our inner wisdom comes to play.

Top tip – Our thoughts are great at convincing us that they are facts and we must believe them. No! They are just that; thoughts, viewed through our personal lens. Observe, acknowledge, smile and we can say “thanks for your opinion”. Maybe gently enquire “Is this really true?” then we respond from a place of LOVE. Rewrite them where required! We can ask ourselves “what support would I give to a loved one?” and then do this for ourselves.

4.  Education for the Nation – If your formative education was anything like mine, it was lacking on self-care, self-awareness and boundaries. If so, re-educating is a beautiful gift to ourselves, particularly in those areas where we are struggling the most. In my 20s I read books by Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant. They were often a life saver and opened up new ways of seeing the world and new approaches to life.

It’s a precious gift to ourselves to learn what we weren’t taught or was not modelled for us during our early years.  It can also be a incredible gift to ourselves to unlearn what no longer serves us. There are incredible self-help books, podcasts and coaches out there, that can lead us to extraordinary insight and knowledge to get us off to a great start!

Top tip – If you are not sure where to start, give a shout-out to friends and trusted groups for recommendations. Be led by your gut and your heart. Think of the one area of your life where you most need guidance, and start with that!

5.  Cultivate a support network – It’s a strength to seek help, not a weakness. Be it therapy, social groups, friends, meditation groups, women’s circles or a combination. They all play their unique role in our healing journey. When we are sick we go to the doctor, and yet many of us find it difficult to ask for help for emotional or psychological support. The sooner that we accept emotional, psychological support when needed, the better.

Those of us who struggle with self-esteem and self-love must acknowledge that it runs deep in our veins. Self-worth lies at the heart of our happiness and quality of life. Opposing this is our capacity for self-destructiveness, neglect and self-harm, in its many forms. It can be so nurturing and self-affirming to connect with others who we trust and who are supportive.

Top tip – If you find it hard to reach out and seek help, ask yourself – “If someone you love was in your situation, what would you do to support them?” And then do this yourself.

6.  Forgive yourself – There is such huge pressure on women to be beautiful, thin, youthful, “perfect”. It’s a manufactured, money-making, constantly changing, unachievable lie, and it is invasive and everywhere! It’s multi-billion pound industry creates advertising targeted towards exploiting women’s insecurities, whatever your age! With the explosion of social media platforms in the past decade this is ever more intense. So it’s important to forgive yourself & be understanding especially when we get sucked in to the narrative.

Top tip– If you are susceptible to body image triggers, unfollow anything on social media or elsewhere that puts you on a downhill trajectory. Especially when you are feeling vulnerable. It can be so nurturing to take regular digital detoxes for a day or more at a time, where possible!

Where’s the finish line?

I won’t end this article with the lie that I’ve worked through all of my layers of baggage – I haven’t. I’m not at the top of the mountain about to plant my flag and proclaim “I’ve done it, I’ve arrived.” That’s of course laughable!

Our souls are eternal, and we are constantly growing. We will overcome many untruths that we once believed about ourselves, as we unlearn many damaging beliefs we picked up along our way.  We can learn to accept and love ourselves more deeply, despite, and because of, our perceived and actual imperfections – both visible and invisible. Learning this sacred dance is part of the beautiful paradox of what it means to be human 🙂

It’s ongoing, never-ending and has seemingly endless twists and turns. That can be a good thing, it keeps life interesting. Our soul’s journey here on earth is to learn, grow and thrive. It’s not a linear path, but rather a winding multi-faceted spiral!

I’ve just celebrated my 50th trip around the sun. It’s certainly been a wild and often bumpy ride! I’ve survived cancer, I’ve studied, I’ve travelled to far-flung places. Laughed till I’ve wee’d (a little), grieved deeply, witness both beautiful and tragic things, as we all do during this thing called life. I’ve learned and still have much to learn. My relationship with my body has its ups and down, but I am more accepting of it now than I was in my 20s!

It turns out that I am lovable I’m so grateful for my beloved soulmate of over 18 years. My 20 year-old self would not have believed she was worthy of such deep and accepting love. To my younger self I would say trust your path, live each moment, be loving, gentle and kind towards yourself and everyone you meet.

If you are feeling unlovable, broken, or not enough, know that there is hope. Know that you are powerful. Although it may feel like an uphill struggle at times, the path leading inwards will steer you towards the authentic, sovereign and fabulous woman you always wanted to be, that you already are.