Read the first part of this article here: Sex & Sexual Healing: Do you Want to Know what Women really Want? {Adult}
If you want to do something amazing for a female lover, give her a yoni massage.
Either look it up and learn some moves, or trust your slowness, intuition, and communication.
Block off plenty of time for this experience. One hour would be a good minimum. Ensure that you won’t be interrupted and turn off all phones and other devices. Prepare the space. Make the bed. Light a candle. Play soft music. Make sure it is warm enough for her to be comfortable when nude. Have glasses of drinking water. She may want you to use gloves, especially if you are not regular partners. Gather any toys she might enjoy or may be curious about.
Feathers, beads, vibrators, dildos. Have her choice of lubricant nearby. Both of your bodies should be clean. The giver should trim nails and clean hands one more time at the last minute (using gloves if the woman chooses).
Before beginning, it’s a good idea to establish a simple communication system for her to easily express what she likes and doesn’t like. For some women, hand signals are easier than speaking, at least at first.
Some ideas may be:
>> She points up for more, down for less, hand palm out (like “stop”) to pause.
>> Choose a safe word that means “pause.”
>> Have a number system like this one:
0= neutral
1= nice
2= amazing!
3= maximum pleasure (basically impossible to reach)
(Any negative number indicates pain. If you’re in the negative, whatever you’re doing needs to be immediately changed. You can always return to cupping her yoni as “home base.”)
>> Start slowly. Encourage her to stay connected to her breath throughout the experience. This will help her be present in her body, increasing her access to her truth, healing, and pleasure.
>> Look into her eyes and set intentions. Some ideas are: “I intend to stay present and responsive to you,” or “I want to get closer to you and learn what you like and don’t like.”
>> Invite her to set her intentions (many women need to learn to receive, relax, and not pressure themselves to perform). Ask her to name her boundaries, fears, and desires.
>> Any boundaries she sets should be maintained for the entire experience. Next time, she can choose different boundaries.
>> Ask or announce what you are going to do before you do it. This builds trust. For example, you could start by saying, “Before I touch your yoni, I’m going to give you a full body massage. Is there anywhere you’d like extra attention, or are there areas I should avoid or use extra care with?”
>> Begin with a five to 10-minute full body massage, touching her entire body gently, lovingly, slowly, and safely, with presence. She may or may not want you to use oil or lotion.
>> Start with the back of her body, then move to her more vulnerable front. Stay present to the sensation in your hands—let the touch heal your hands, increasing your own sensitivity and pleasure. Make sure you stay physically comfortable: be creative and keep adjusting (otherwise, your discomfort will translate). Use pillows or props to support yourself.
>> Before you touch her breasts, or any potentially sensitive area, ask her, “Would you like me to touch your breasts (armpits, inner thighs, and so on)? How would you like them to be touched?” Ask for specifics, but also watch her response.
“How is this? Could it be better?” are always good questions.
Remember, many women never learned to ask for what they want, so this can be difficult and emotional. You are holding space and helping her find her voice.
>> If you wonder if you may have hurt her at any point, slow down, keep your hands on her, look at her, and ask.
>> This is important: don’t jump away when you accidentally hurt a woman. Leaving your hands where they are builds trust and feels as if you’re honoring her. Jumping away can be scary, feel too sudden, and trigger feelings of abandonment. Deep presence with contact is ideal.
>> Sit between her legs, massage her inner thighs. Pay gentle, present attention to the entire area surrounding the yoni: the tendons in the groin, the hip flexors, the lower belly, and the area above the pubic mound.
>> Keep moving slowly, asking her how she feels and how you could do it even better. Remember that nobody knows intuitively how to touch others. We all have to learn.
>> After orbiting her yoni, ask her if she is ready for you to touch her yoni.
>> Continue to slow down, breathe, and ask her questions (or be more quiet if that helps her relax). Keep looking for her unmistakable signals of relaxation. She will likely not know some of the answers to your questions, but her body will know, so pay lots of attention to her physical responses. The body doesn’t lie.
>> If she is ready, place your hand over her yoni. Find a comfortable pressure where you can feel your connection to her deepen. Then, look into her eyes and take a few breaths together. Tell her a few things you appreciate about her at this moment. Notice them now, don’t think of what you already know you love about her; discover her beauty right now. Look at her, appreciate her, and tell her what you appreciate. Make it heartfelt. As you speak to her, feel that you are inside your own body, grounding within. From this home of your body, sense the connection between you, both physically and energetically.
>> Massage the outside areas first, starting with the pubic mound. This is a safe, generally less sensitive part of the vulva. You can grab hold of the skin of the pubic mound and experiment with pulling it away from her body, or straight up toward her head. Try using a few fingertips to make circles in this area. Some women like to have their pubic hair gently pulled or played with.
Then, begin to massage her outer labia. The outer lips rarely get touched; they are usually bypassed as gateways. Play with her outer labia, make gentle circles, drum your fingers on them, pull at them gently, and roll them softly between your fingers. Experiment to learn what she likes.
Remember, slowness is your greatest ally. Approaching her sensitive parts slowly is incredibly powerful; it creates safety, trust, and healing in the tissues.
Here is an important tip: do not touch a woman’s inner parts—the kind that has that different kind of delicate, thin skin—without some kind of moisture or lubricant.
She may produce her own juices. If so, you can ask her, “Would you like me to use your own juices to touch you?” Use your fingers gently and carefully, and do not enter her yet.
Place flat fingers along her opening to get them wet and then slowly spread the juices around her soft skin parts. Saliva works great and will add to her juiciness, if she is open to it and if you are sharing fluids with her (reminder: get consent every step of the way).
At this stage, you have to be extremely careful. Everything you have done so far has been a foundation to help her learn to trust you with this deepest, most sensitive part that has been treated carelessly in women for millennia.
Your radical act is to stay with her at this threshold, in this moment. Simply connect with her and move slowly.
This is the area where much of the trauma started and got stored: all of those soft, sensitive bits got torn and harmed from being touched without readiness and moisture. Many women have vaginal scar tissue they don’t even know about. The inside of many women’s sacred, sexual areas need ultra-care, deep healing, and lots of slowness and presence.
Stay close to her emotionally. She is learning to trust. Slowness and presence can heal eons of rough, premature, dry touch.
When she is ready (keep asking), with well-lubricated hands, begin to make long strokes on her soft skin part.
Starting on the sides of her clitoris (not touching the clitoris), use light, gentle pressure as you travel the distance down toward her opening. Avoid the opening (the “introitus”), and instead, massage the area around it. Pause at the bottom, then reverse, sweeping back up along the same route, meeting above her clitoris. Continue to massage this area, experiment with speed and pressure, using circles or whatever massage technique that increases her relaxation and pleasure.
The next step is to ask her if she would like you to touch her clitoris and inner labia. Spend some time getting to know these areas, listening to her, asking questions, and seeking signs of relaxation.
Most women like to be touched 100 times slower than porn style. This doesn’t mean weirdly slow. You don’t need to be hesitant, just present. Keep returning to slowness or stillness as a baseline. Keep watching her breath and checking for relaxation. When she constricts in any way, slow down, maintain contact, talk gently to her, and breathe with her.
Remember: don’t take her emotions personally. Many women carry huge trauma that is personal but also linked to our entire gender, all cis women, all our mothers, and grandmothers, and so on. It’s a deep pain, but it can be healed, one breath at a time.
When you have touched the outside, and she seems relaxed, you can cover the opening to her vagina with your palm. Similar to cupping the yoni, this is a protective signal that tends to elicit feelings of safety and relaxation.
Any penetration must be at the woman’s request. Only enter her if she desires it. It can be very empowering for her to stop right here, to only have her outer parts touched.
If it feels right, with your hand still covering her vagina, ask her, “Would you like to have (my fingers, a toy, and so on) inside you now?” Watch her body’s response.
Many women never get asked; it just kind of “happens” (I have barely ever been asked this question).
If she is curious or enthusiastic about being entered, gently lay your sensitive fingers along her opening so both of you can feel for her body’s authentic desire. When a vagina is ready, it will draw fingers/toys/penises/tongues in.
Feel for her readiness—or resistance—and help her feel and acknowledge it too.
“It seems like your yoni is pulling my fingers in,” or “I’m sensing resistance—how about you?”
If you agree that she seems ready, enter her just the tiniest bit and sense her internal environment. Wait for the layers to open. Feel for any tightness inside and simply make contact with it. Don’t push through it.
Pause and breathe at every constriction. When you find one, you have arrived, you are touching her pain, her hesitancy, the part that needs a voice, gentle contact, and lots of patience. Wait for her body to trust you. Let her continue to invite you in, layer by layer. Going slow here will pay off big time.
If you are using your fingers, you will be able to feel the constriction more easily. If you are using a toy, tune in to feel through it. Invite her to tell you (hand signals are good) when to pause. Keep feeling for resistance and watching her for any signs of tension.
When you are as deep as she would like you to be, pause. Look into her eyes again—if they are open—and take a few breaths with her. This is big time trust, big healing.
From here, you can experiment with pressure in different areas. It may or may not feel good. Just keep going slowly, checking, and testing. Not in and out and in and out. The vagina is a sensitive muscular canal, and you can gently press and rest into the walls in different places, at different depths.
You can imagine a map with three depths: deepest, mid, and shallow. If you are using your fingers, you can measure by your knuckles.
There may be surprisingly sensitive spots inside. Try pressure toward the front, sides, and back. She may have little connection to her internal landscape. Every woman is different inside; we each hold trauma in different ways. Stay close to her, move slowly, and keep asking about what she is experiencing and how you can make it better. Often, a simple shift in pressure can turn a painful spot into a huge healing experience, and even unforeseen, unexpected pleasure.
The focus of this massage is healing. But she may eventually want to be stimulated by you, herself, or both of you. Or, she might just want you to wrap things up and cuddle with her, to be left alone, or for you to talk or listen to her.
Keep asking. Take nothing personally. None of us were taught this. We do not have true sex education, only prevention education about how to avoid pregnancy and STIs.
Hopefully this is changing.
Support her choice to stop at whatever stage she feels complete. Honor her boundaries and thank her for sharing the time and space with you. Ask her for what she would like so the ending of your session is just right for her.
Afterward, go smile in the mirror. Give yourself big props for stepping into this radical service role.
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