I had a conversation with a man recently who was offering advice and understanding in a situation that occurred on social media.

I had posted something that was seen as unkind. It wasn’t; it was assertive. Not even really—it certainly was clear. He messaged me about how he appreciated “level-headed responses” I post.

I appreciated his effort a great deal, and I know he was being kind in his offerings. However grateful I was for his offering, I also saw through the colored lens of “rest well knowing you’re doing the right thing.” I totally get that, I do. I used to have that mentality until I realized it was nothing other than the other side of ego. Not anyone’s “right way” is everyone’s right way.

When we just see ourselves or others “doing the right thing” by doing it our way, it does not differ from judging someone for doing the wrong thing. Certainly, having a way for ourselves is important just as allowing others to have their own judgment. Of course, that doesn’t include apparent, nondebatable actions such as rape, murder, or physical abuse. I’m speaking outside of these issues.

I’m speaking about the mentality that many use today to soothe themselves and somehow bring in resolution to a situation. but it’s still an act of superiority. Doing the “right” thing is just a mind soothing way of resolving.

I gave up on the idea many years ago when I had this epiphany that “feeling as if I’m doing it better, kinder or right “ was a diversion for the reality of a situation. It also kept me from being proactive. I thought that inaction was the highest form of right living. As is what this man was suggesting.

I’m not saying that there isn’t a way of being that is more supportive of other ways of being. I’m saying that it’s “our” judgment of the “way” we do it being “right”. This mentality has kept many people from speaking up, being accountable, being proactive, and making change. Shifting the status quo. It’s not always the right thing to turn the other cheek and not speak up and let it ride out. Let it pass by. It might be the right thing to do – is to speak up, rise up, take action. It might be the right thing to do is to be assertive. This idea many share of being silent, passive, nonaction oriented creates more of the same. Someone bullies and you just let it pass. Then the bully goes to someone else to bully them and they let it pass. Another bully comes around and once again, we let it pass. We do this because we feel we are doing the “right” thing. It’s only enabling the bully to find another target. It is solely there to avoid ripples in what is a peaceful way of being and not breaking the cycle. More often than not, it’s a self-protective measure and the easy way out. If we feel we are doing it the “right” way that settles our conscience. Often what might be the right thing is to speak up, stand up, advocate – take assertive action.. It’s most likely not going to be the most popular way to do it.  Often, people confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. It’s not the same.

Being passive has rarely changed anything other than just waiting it out and allowing it to happen to someone else. We’ve decided that is kind. It can be kind to avoid conflict or judgment. It also can be enabling. Not getting involved. It’s not necessarily always kind. It is passive though and they are not the same. Passivity is often just a cop-out. We label it kind and “evolved” to avoid the energy and risk of speaking out. I’ve come across people with this mentality. Absolutely convinced they are taking the high road. The better way. Someone that is assertive might get labeled as unkind. Because of this passive mentality, often we avoid conflict, uncomfortable conversations, and action. We call it peace.

This societal belief system is keeping many from working through whatever needs to be worked through in order to grow from the situation. It often is nothing more than avoidance. Passing it on to others. We each have our own obstacles to overcome in our journey. There is no “one way” on the high road. There is, however, a common goal with the ego to have some sort of significance in the situation.

If we act, we risk being less than; we risk making a mistake; we risk judgment from others. Also, we might risk our genuine selves. The one that is allowed to speak up, make mistakes, the one that is human and has human responses and reactions. If we train ourselves to just be passive in all situations that are uncomfortable, possibly have conflict or risk losing our facade, we’ll never know that part of us that desires to grow and evolve from just being human. That part of us that desires to create change in the world. It’s absolutely your choice. Be aware of how you’re projecting “your way” onto others. Breaking systemic systems isn’t wrong. Being silent or passive isn’t right!  Ask yourself if your right way of being is really, deep down a way of avoiding.