I’m on day 2 of my six-month mental health intensive, live-in program. Since it’s all men here I find myself feeling very much like the ‘new guy’. There is an acute awareness that this is a state-funded program and that most of the people here seem to be very focused on the sobriety aspect of the program.

Outside on the smoking porch, I overhear one of the men may be getting kicked out for Subutex residue they found. “I told them you can’t kick me out to go back to so many moving parts of my life. I’ll never make it.”

“Damn that sucks..” another man responds.

“You know you’re my friend right?” The man asks the other sincerely. “God please let me stay. I hope they let me stay.”

Another leans in and says over the Spanish playing from his earbuds, “You got to pray all you can.”

I find this whole interaction touching and wonder if I too will make real bonds with some of the men here. Also, I hope that I will find this whole program as beneficial for me as the others here.

So far though I have found myself combating the desire to shower and do basic hygiene things. On account of state inspections yesterday there were no day groups or usual things so I found myself with little to do and, upon laying down to watch the Isaac Arthur channel on YouTube, I fell asleep and lay in bed the majority of the day.

My hope here is to gain the skills and tools necessary to better handle my mental health issues to return to ‘normal’ life. I want to go back to running my freelance web design business — a career which I successfully built for fifteen years — and not be crippled as I have been since Covid with depression, anxiety, and profound hopelessness.

This program has offered me hope. It’s something I intend to hang on to and build-out. So far I have yet to understand how this program will help with any of that. Although the ability to feel comfortable with freely admitting my depression and past drug issues— including an attempted suicide/ overdose a month or so ago— is a nice change of environment. Also, the ability to access caring professionals just a door down feels fantastic.

Reporting from day 2..