A real « what did I do or not do enough of «  with my twin sons living with Autism.

See while strangers actually have time to ponder their strong feelings about whether My sons should be referred to as my Autistic sons, my sons  living with an Autism spectrum disorder, my sons with high function Autism or my neuro diverse sons I live it every single day.

Oh and apparently the puzzle piece is Satan now while ABA is the spawn of all that is evil.

I have to tell you something.

I couldn’t care less about what my sons are labeled as.

We are all labeled.

Fat, skinny, snobby, guetto, loser, over achiever, weird, crunchy and the list goes on.

There can’t always be a winner and you need to fail a couple of times to learn to get back on your feet.

That’s life.

Moving on.

Tonight this is about you Autism.

I hate that you robbed me years of our life.

I hate that you snuck up on us around 16 months old and was so good at manipulating psychologists, evaluators , the CDC and even Dartmouth.

For 10 years you made me feel like I had some type of  developmental disability munchausen while my sons lost years of services as you weren’t yet stamped on their records.

I hate that you interrupted my sons social, emotional and bevhavioral , not to mention academic progress.

I hate you for the missed friendships made, the missed birthday parties, the missed athletic achievements and the missed connections.

I hate you for tripping over my sons belonging in middle school to the point of isolation and a manifestation meeting.

I bet you remember 2010.

That was my scary age.

I told myself if the boys regulation, speech and sleep was still kept hostage by you, this was it.

For real.

Well.

Welcome to scary age 2.0.

Freshman year.

First date.

Drivers license.

Prom.

Graduation.

College, trade school or a year abroad?

Independence.

I hate you even more Autism for another big “nobody talks about” reality you come with.

Although I am proud and excited and thrilled for friend’s children accomplishments?

After I genuinely congratulate or compliment their parents?

I hide.

And I cry.

As shame devours me I am left in a puddle of envy, pity party and guilt.

See Autism, You are a cruel MOFO.

Not only are you still around video talking loudly as ever, running across parking lots and worse awkwardly missing the social cues needed to navigate high school.

You have rolled out the regression red carpet for all of us to experience.

Regression.

Wow.

Really?

Everyday skills that were acquired, generalized and maintained?

Poof.

Gone.

After everything we have experienced together, I thought maybe, just maybe you would get easier as we grew older together.

Instead?

You are slowly crushing my dreams and wishes as a mom as my biggest fears paralyze me.

And yet.

You still don’t win over me.

You may even be the reason I am still standing after the last 4 years of heartbreak.

You push me to wake up every morning, teach a new skill and re- teach another. And repeat.

But tonight?

I still hate you.

And I forgive myself for doing so.

?