I’m sharing stories of women I’ve come across in my coaching career… And the lesson each one has taught me. This is the first tale from vol. I. The characters, settings, and names have been changed to protect the identity of women.

Let’s begin.

…

I met her on a rainy night.

She had left her toddler at home with his baba, took the keys, and drove off in the storm.

On that dark night, she came to my house. I remember giving her the address to my house in case of an emergency.

Well…

This was an emergency.

“Everything is going exactly the way I always wanted. I have everything I desired. Married the man I was supposed to marry. I have a beautiful son that I prayed day and night for…” she blurted out all at once, as she stood there dripping wet on my grey carpet.

I listened carefully as I handed her the cup of warm, frothy coffee.

“But I am not happy. I don’t feel anything. I’m dead inside. Sometimes I hate everyone around me… They deserve better. My husband and my child deserve better…” she continued and then broke off.

Tears rolled down her cheeks.

I kept listening.

And listening.

To her silent muffles.

…

The case of Maya wasn’t complicated when she came to me. She emailed me on a hot afternoon in July 2021. She wanted to talk about professional growth. She was an artist, a yoga teacher, and a student of Literature.

Her biggest fear was not being able to grow her business at the pace she wanted.

In the first month of our coaching program, we worked on her confidence, her zone of genius, and hiring someone to take care of her business when she was away.

Pretty basic business coaching stuff, right?

Or so I thought.

Around our fourth or fifth session, Maya shifted our conversations from professional to personal.

She started asking me probing questions like, 

Have you ever felt like you’re guilty of something?

Have you ever felt like you don’t love anyone, but yourself… That you’re selfish?

There was trust among us. My intuition told me Maya had pressing thoughts in her head waiting to explode.

I was always honest and careful in my answers. I tried bringing us back to the problem at hand, but now, it seemed it wasn’t even her biggest issue.

With a background in Psychology along with my three years of coaching experience, I know people are looking for one thing: Happiness.

They claim to want more money, freedom, fame, ease, peace, friends, or success. But what they’re really seeking, is happiness.

And I knew Maya’s happiness lied in something other than her professional growth.

…

That night, Maya told me everything.

She told me that she had been a victim of domestic violence in her last relationship.

And while this one was different. She was constantly looking for ways to sabotage her marriage.

She told me that this was generational abuse – she has seen her mother go through the same cycle. And while she was strong enough to leave that relationship. She still blamed herself for what had happened.

I asked her, why didn’t you tell me this before? I remember doing weekly check-ins on her mental health status. And her cheery replies to all of those…

“I was embarrassed.”

She replied.

And I didn’t respond with a question.

Because… of course, she was. The narrative of victim-blaming, especially in South Asian families runs so deep, that even victims of abuse adopt their narrative for one another.

“The worst part is… I miss the old times. I was young full of energy. We had a good life together. Except for the occasional abuse and that one time it turned deadly… I wonder how things would have been if I stayed.” 

Maye looked at me, as if, expecting judgment. I was well aware. So I smiled.

And told her this…

“What you’re feeling right now, or what you’ve been feeling for so long isn’t you missing your life with someone who harmed you. Your brain is trying to tell you a different story. It’s trying to minimize the harm and amplify that sense of old joy. And it’s doing all this to protect you.”

Our brains are crazy.

They care about our emotional wellbeing so much so that they’ll gladly twist the reality and tell us a different story altogether just to make us feel better. The brain doesn’t know that you’ve moved on because you’ve kept that loop of thoughts alive in your head. And the brain is trying to do what it does best: tell you a better story than reality.

Maya was stunned.

I told her she needed to learn the art of detachment. And that I’ll help her with that…

She got up and hugged me.

“It’s like a weight has been lifted from my head.”

“Easy tiger, this is just the tip of the iceberg. You need therapy. I’ll hook you up with some useful resources. Go home, and get a good night’s sleep.”

…

Here’s a round-up of the five things that can help you move through detachment. Detachment from an unfulfilled dream, a career, or a relationship.

1. Stop feeling guilty about your emotional investment in your dream. People who have spent over ten years working on something, and seeing it fail, tend to blame themselves. Instead, be kind to yourself.
2. Replace your dream. Find a bigger, better obsession. Start learning a new skill or begin a new hobby. Something to occupy your thoughts in a positive way.
3. Every morning, list down five different things that you’re grateful for.
4. Move. Dance. It always makes a difference.
5. Make a BIG change. Change your hairstyle, your wardrobe, or celebrate something that you haven’t before. Like your thirty-fifth birthday! Change something about yourself that you’ve believed for so long to be true.

Lastly, I invite you all to think about all the stories that you’re telling yourselves.

How much truth do they hold?

Do you need to change your narrative and start telling yourself a better story…

Perhaps.