Memories are coming up to be reprocessed with a new perspective

Over the past several months my whole adult life has been scanned and reimagined (my childhood was reproccessed last year!).  It happens spontaneously. I’ve been forced to make space for it. Isn’t this exactly how growth happens? Almost without our consent. It can’t be scheduled or rushed. 

The key is to allow it, sit with it. It’s important that we experience it all and support ourselves through it. Allow emotions to surface then move through and out of the body. Let go of any attached thoughts or stories about the emotions, the people involved and the experience. There is no fault on our part or theirs. We were simply reacting from our limited perspective at the time. 

Current experiences call to mind similar past experiences 

Looking back at pictures of vacations we took together without the kids, I noticed all the photos of me alone. I never liked having my picture taken, so I only felt annoyance in those moments. This time I saw myself from his perspective (the picture taker) and tears started to flow. For the first time, I was able see and feel his love for me in my heart. 

In my marriage, I felt like I was never getting what I wanted. I felt my partner was able to do whatever he wanted, but I always had to ask for what I wanted. I blamed him, thinking he was selfish and just refused to understand what was important to me. I was always focused on the problems and the ways he was letting me down. I was never satisfied with life, as if he alone was responsible for my happiness. With my new perspective I’ve looked back on the relationship and realized I’m the one who abandoned myself. As a long-time people pleaser and caretaker, I gave away my autonomy. I wished for things to be different, better or more fulfilling, but never taking real action on my own behalf.

A higher state of consciousness

Because of this victim mindset, I rarely experienced the love, joy, fun and warmth that were truly present. I’m not saying there weren’t problems that ultimately couldn’t be resolved. The way we each viewed the world was very different and not reconcilable. However, there was, at the same time, so much happiness that I missed out on, that my narrow perspective didn’t allow me to experience. I can only see this now, looking at it from a higher perspective, a higher consciousness. 

Memories are flooding in to be re-experienced from the whole 28-year relationship. There’s lots of sadness and tears. I’m grieving what I didn’t feel and what I didn’t do or say back then because I was unable and unaware.

At this higher state of consciousness, I am more aware of what I’m feeling in the moment. And all emotions are available to me now. It’s an expansion of perspective. The victim mentality blinders are off. So there’s bursts of love, laughter and joy in my heart along with lots of spontaneous tears. I am so happy and grateful to be feeling it all now and so sad that I didn’t feel it then. This is integration, where the old stories of “how it was for me” are dissolved. A bigger more nuanced and beautiful picture of my married life is taking shape. What a relief! I feel lighter, happier and at peace.