A while ago, a woman asked me the question, “How do I give a better blow job?”

On the surface, it sounds like a simple question, but to me, simple questions have such depth.

We spoke a little about it and she said that her first thought was about technique. She thought she didn’t know enough and if she learned more of the skills involved, it would improve her performance.

I asked why she thought of it as a performance—who was she performing for?

She said she wanted to give her partner the most pleasure.

But maybe performance and pleasure aren’t the same things. And maybe believing that it is a “performance” was about creating pressure. Performance is about being judged, graded, or given a bronze, silver, or gold medal.

Then, we spoke a little about pleasure. And whose pleasure. Ah, that struck a chord somewhere.

“Pleasure for both of us?” she said, “I never thought about that before.”

We spoke about how many women do things sexually—a blow job being a good example—that they don’t really enjoy because it’s expected, because it’s part of sex, because it’s what their partners want, or because it’s in porn. And there’s not always a whole lot of pleasure for them.

She said some of her friends had the same feelings about blow jobs. They’re neutral about it. They don’t mind it. It’s not that enjoyable for them. They do it because he wants it.

I love teaching the technique stuff. It’s wonderful helping people to be able to do something differently, enjoy it more, feel more confident doing it, and own more of themselves in it. So, we spent some time with the different techniques.

It’s also important to understand that the techniques of sex are not everything—and actually, probably a small part of it. So many of us get hung up on the techniques.

If that’s our focus, connection and intimacy generally aren’t.

Pleasure isn’t. Energy isn’t.

The techniques—if that’s all we’ve got—are about performance. We want an outcome or a result. One result. And we lose the amazing, delicious possibilities that arise along the way.

Then, I shared this with her:

Forget about what we’ve just done and shift your perspective.

Bring your awareness to you—to your mouth, to your hands, to your heart, to your breath, to your body. Bring your awareness to your energy, your sensuality.

Feel what his lingam feels like when you hold it—what it feels like for you.

Feel the texture of the skin—for you.

And when you bring your mouth close, close your eyes, and breathe in his scent—for you.

And when you kiss his lingham, anywhere, whether it’s hard or soft, feel the sensation on your lips. And when you take him into your mouth, feel the sensation, the feelings, the heat, the throbbing, the energy in your mouth. Feel it for you.

Slow down so that you taste him. Slow down so that you feel him on your tongue.

Bring your awareness to you.

Every movement that you make—firm or gentle, quick or slow—feel it in you. What’s are the sensations you are feeling?

I saw something light up inside of her.

It’s about not “giving a blow job,” it’s about making love with your partner. It’s about making love with yourself.

With this awareness, you’ll naturally let go of the performance and the technique. You’ll do things that you may not remember, but your body will. You’ll do things that may be different every time. And what’s interesting is that the pleasure for both of you is deepened and expanded.

When there’s pleasure for you, it flows naturally from you to your lover.

A world of possibility in your mouth, your heart, his lingam.