I am excited to finally be writing something. Anything. To you specifically. Who ever you are. I had been obsessing daily about journaling for an embarrassingly long period of time.  I found myself bitching in my mind, often. I noticed that each time I would think about actually putting pen to paper, I would immediately feel resistance because I wanted, nay, needed to know that some one else who’d potentially benefit from my writing would actually be reading it.

Journaling, I thought would help ME get through whatever had been preventing me from feeling joyous lately by writing out my complaints on paper.  I could burn it afterwards and feel something shift that way maybe?  I had done that before and though it was the exact thing I needed to do then, I noticed this time was very different. This time it wasn’t happening because doing so for myself apparently wasn’t enough? Hmmmmm. I am recognizing that  I am needing to not feel so Goddamned lonely in my thoughts and quite frankly, I am bored with my problems.  I am sick of dealing with my own shit alone in my head. I am sick of even thinking about how sick I am of my problems. Yick.  I don’t want to think about them anymore. I have been obsessing about my blessed problems too much and I knew that the only way to shut up that part of me that was stealing my joy was to write an article.  Specifically an article designed for others to read. Basically,  I NEED to know that SOMEONE who might benefit from reading this is actually well reading this and benefiting in some way. Have I expressed this concept enough?

I feel like I wilt if I am not actively engaging in bettering someone else’s reality. Do you ever feel that way? Also, happy side effect, writing all this out is making me feel better already so there is some thing to this AND I am tapping into some major gratitude for you. Yes you, dear reader. Of course. If it wasn’t for you, I would not be feeling good again as I do now. Thank you for inspiring me to feel grateful and engaged with life. I hope this article has done some of that for you. Gratitude is some amazing beautiful joyous stuff and I had been depleted of it. What are you grateful for?

During my meditation today, I cried and processed through some heavy shit, then I found myself writing again in my thoughts. Am I writer? I am not a writer if I don’t write. Well here we are; I am writing and its making me feel so much better- like a weight has been lifted and now because I decided not to numb myself out with TV this evening, instead I listened to my heart and opened my lap top to connect with you. Because of you, I am feeling some spark of joy come back into my beingness. Its not selfish and yet it is.  heh.  would ya look at that ;).  Ok welp, to be able to access any type of self healing through this process and potentially strike a nerve with you in terms of maybe your also moving through some shit yourself or even better, perhaps you already have, I think I may need to talk a little bit about the beautiful complex creature that is ,well, me.  Here goes.

I am a hypnotherapist, Kriya and Kundalini yoga instructor. I am a singer.  I am also a mom, a soon to be wife, a daughter, a sister, a recovered bulimic, a former BDSM submissive who is seriously deprived of what used to be my sexuality and I live with mental illness or something else that likes to identify with not living with mental illness but rather being an extremely sensitive empath who is sometimes “too” connected to the collective that my system shuts down and manifests as what has been referred to in some circles as depression, anxiety and bipolar with psychotic tendencies.

Sometimes these intense reactions to “feeling too much” leaves me isolating myself and feeling unable to reach out to anyone because……ok then…….I spent the last 10 minutes editing what I wrote so far and when I got back to the point, I find myself not wanting to go there.  Perhaps another night.  Tonight I overcame the urge to letting Netflix take the wheel of my life force.  This is a major accomplishment for me this evening as I had been struggling with this lately. It all started with a cup of tea.  I had just put the kids to bed and actually went upstairs with the intention to watch something on Netflix. Our TV room is upstairs by design so as to make it more of an intentional thing…as apposed to mindlessly “turning on the tube” if it was otherwise always in the common area.  Instead of plopping down on the couch immediately, I thought it would be a good idea to have a cup of tea. SO I did.. then I realized that there is nothing in particular that I was wanting to watch on netflix or any platform the remote control could get me to.  I decided to read a book instead.  I admit, it was hard.  I really wanted to just turn my mind off for a while and “veg”. But I knew that the joyous parts of me that loves life was recognizing that I was being a coward. Reading the book made me want to write my books but then that familiar voice in my head was wanting to connect with someone now and do something in the realm of journaling.  Thanks again for showing up and clicking on my post. It literally means the world to me. Oh, did I mention that I am also an artist.  I think I’m going to go work on the Zen tangle piece I have been meaning to get back to for a while now.  Not tomorrowing my today (again) feels amazing. Life is in all the spaces in between life no matter how much you try to run away from whatever, life is always here reminding us that where ever we are, there we are. Might as well do something that sparks joy and lights us up. Sometimes we need a little help from our friends or complete strangers to remind us how and that we can. Thanks for being that for me now.  By the way, there are also a few books that I started a long time ago that are waiting to be breathed into creation. They have been patiently waiting for a long time. too long. Do you have any projects that are patiently waiting for you to return to nurture them into existence?

All of a sudden, I have alot of work to do and I feel inspired to get back on that horse. What through me off again you ask?  Lets just not go there. I am feeling that its not necessary.  It feels so much better to just drop it and move on. Your being moved in some way from my article just lights me up by the way.  I think I may have mentioned that a few times.  Also, I am definitely recognizing that this article is appealing to my ego big time because as I write, I am getting to be that person who sits in front of their lap top and writes meaningful shit.  Being that person is a dream come true. And all I had to do was open my laptop.  What seemingly effortless thing could you do to help make one of your dreams come true? It would mean so much to me to know I had any part in inspiring you to do it, what ever it is that sparks joy in you heart. If you wont do it for yourself, do it for me. Remember to reach out to me and let me know what it was you did. It will make me the happiest person in the world to know that my article launched inspired action in you.