Why are so many women turned on by dominance?

Excerpt, Fifty Shades of Grey:

“Christian is standing over me grasping a plaited, leather riding crop.

Every month, elephant inherits a few angry comments from readers who hate the fact that we write about sex (a lot). We get nasty comments vilifying us for sins like “objectification.”

…And then, today, and yesterday, and last week, and the week before…I hear from my interns, Kate our editor, Kate our editor again, and—you know—millions of women that they’re all reading, loving, and—you know—getting off on some dehumanizing trashy bdsm “porn for mommies” novel called…

“Fifty Shades of Grey,” the erotic novel by E L James, features cliche characters, highly implausible plot turns and dialogue that alternately induces cringes and giggles. (Sample line: “ ‘Look at me,’ he breathes, and I stare into his smoldering gaze . . . cold, hard and sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look.”)

…Another benefit of a book such as “Fifty Shades” is that it just may get your mind off work pressures, the laundry or having to make the kids’ lunches — and back into the bedroom.

Speaking of gagging…

So save yourself 10 hours: go have some mutually-respectful awesome sex with someone you love.

Or if you want to “read” some porn, god bless, go get yourself some Anais Nin. She’s amazing.

{drum roll}

But now it’s time for my list: 10 Reasons why Empowered Women should find something more Empowering to do.

Deflowering a Poorly-Written Opiate for the Masses: 10 Reasons Why Fifty Shades of Grey should never Tie any Self-Respecting Woman Down.

This list is too easy.

1. You’re a hypocrite: Shades of Grey is (I hear) a glorified airport romance novel that is so a cliché-ridden and poorly written, it gives Twihards fifty shades of self-respect.

2. By romance, I mean abusive sado-masochistic 100-years-of-feminism-f*cking fantasy.

3. Not having read the book, I’m out of ideas.

~

PS: to all you angry masochists ready to comment and say “don’t tell me what to do, young man,” don’t worry—unlike, say, Christian the Somehow-Sexy Abusive Billionaire, I’d never think of bossing a woman around. This is my kind of play.