When I first thought about this prompt, I was utterly confused.   What do you mean what is my relationship to loneliness?  I don’t have one, of course!   Although divorced and not currently in a romantic relationship, I have three active kids, an engaging social life, and I work in an industry where I’m constantly around people.   So like I said, I don’t have a relationship to loneliness!   Next question.

Wait, or do I have a relationship to loneliness that I’m just not admitting up to?   If I truly take my mask off, there actually IS considerable loneliness.   I know this.  I feel this.  Why was it so hard to admit this?   According to Oxford, the definition of loneliness is sadness because one has no friends or company.   Well this isn’t accurate, right?   I have friends.  I have company.  I’m not sad!   Or am I?   Yes, I am (at times).   And I know I’m sad, at times, because I deeply feel the sadness, the emptiness, the yearning for more and deeper connections.

Last weekend, I didn’t have my kids with me and didn’t have any social plans.  As I stewed around my house looking things to do to remain “productive”, I recognized the immense loneliness within me.   I did feel sad.   I was wanting connection; physical and/or emotional.  It was palpable.   What did this mean?   Did I need to now label myself as lonely?   Apparently yes.   What also was interesting about last weekend is that when I was feeling some sadness and loneliness, the sadness was exacerbated by a few conversations I had that failed to deeply connect with me.   Frankly, there was some self-pity there, too.   I was feeling sorry for myself that no one seemed to want to connect with me in the way that I wanted to connect.  Well, at least that was the story I told myself.   Why was that?   That was one of the many unproductive questions I asked myself as I began to go down a rabbit hole of self-doubt and loathing.  I quickly caught myself and pulled out of the rabbit hole as quickly as I could.

However, beyond the labels, admitting my loneliness has started allowing me to feel differently about it.  I don’t necessarily feel shame or tremendous discomfort; on the contrary, it feels good in the sense that I clearly crave human connection and when I don’t have it, there comes some sadness.   I love my alone time and independence just like anyone else, but deep connections with people are really important to me.  So in terms of my relationship to loneliness, can I be friends with the occasional loneliness?   Can I accept my loneliness and not shame myself for feeling it?  After further reflection and thought, yes, I believe I can accept it.

To be completely transparent, I am still not exactly sure what my relationship to loneliness is.   I can now recognize it and appreciate it.   But I don’t know what the waves of loneliness mean.   Or do they mean anything more than a period of time in where there is a lack of connection?   I think my first step was recognizing that loneliness does in fact exist within me.   The loneliness does in fact generate some sadness within me.   As someone who tries to mostly exhibit light and upbeat energy, accepting this “darker” side of me has been a challenge, to a degree.   There’s fear here.   Fear that people will think I’m too dark, I’m depressed, or not the optimist that I generally tend to be.   Oh well.   Better to be authentic, be truthful with my feelings of loneliness, and let people decide on their own on how they choose to see me.