From blushing two year old to Confidence Coach in 48 years……………if you want to be more confident in less than 48 years (please tell me the answer is yes?!), then you need to read on NOW!

My mum used to say that I was the only 2 year old who blushed when spoken to. Aww cute right…..? Well, no. I was embarrassed when I blushed, which made me even more embarrassed and even more red. I would get such a hot face and want to hide in a hole. I vividly remember that feeling of wanting the ground to open up and swallow me – even at that young age. Weirdly, I wasn’t a quiet child though, I had friends, chatted far too much at school and was confident at home and any non speaking situation at school.

However, this embarrassment followed me through junior, senior school and college, where I did have to occasionally speak in front of the class, but when I finished my education and headed into the world of work, this was where things actually got worse.

I had to do my first brief in front of seniors as part of my training. I faffed about choosing a subject and then didn’t have enough time to prepare and practice. The day arrived and when I got up to speak, I was so hot and red that I forgot most of what I was going to say, it didn’t make sense and I hated every minute of it. On top of that, the other junior staff who had already briefed, seemed so calm and collected and so well prepared. My delivery was so fast and then when we had questions at the end, I didn’t have any solid answers and what I did say was so weak and had no depth at all, it just highlighted the lack of prep I had done. Not a good day for me! Example number 1.

Example number 2, was a different situation, but same feeling…. To get promoted, you had to sit in front of a 3 person panel, who asked you various questions to see how suitable you were for the next grade, usual stuff in the world of work. I had done my prep……lots of it, rehearsed my answers and felt ready. Tick. I sat down and was asked what I currently did in my role, ‘Ok I thought, I’ve got this!’ rattled off my answer, my mouth getting drier and drier all the time. I was red a beetroot, but was used to that by now. Then the second question was related to what I just told them about my current role, my mind went blank, I got flustered and even redder. They were kind and said don’t worry, we can come back to that question at the end. They asked me another related question……still nothing…I felt like a rabbit stuck in the headlights with tumble weeds in my head and now I was not just flustered, but truly panicking. (We were taught to take a moment and take a sip of water to help calm nerves and give yourself a bit of breathing space, but I wasn’t going anywhere near that water jug for fear of knocking it over!) The rest of the interview tanked completely and I never did recover, nor did I manage to answer that first question later in the interview. I could not get out of there quickly enough. It took me about 3 years to not feel embarrassed when I saw one of the panel members around work after that.

Example number 3 – Last one I promise…One of my roles was to put together briefing packs for contractors during the pre-bidding phase. I was good at the admin and great at the meet and greets etc, but when I was asked to not just facilitate the next briefing, but give the briefing, I was terrified. I didn’t want to do it with every fibre in my body. My manager at the time said it would be good for my development, but there was a reason why I had avoided the briefing skills training time upon time…..I hated being up the front and speaking. I definitely knew what I was going to say and had a well trodden agenda to run through, but when I got up to speak, not only was I puce red, but now my throat had gone dry and closed up too, so only a squeak came out. I managed to explain that I was VERY nervous and please be patient with me. That helped as the audience relaxed and realised that it was my first time doing this and were actually very forgiving. I was literally having to force my voice out to make sure they could hear me and that actual words were uttered, rather than random rodent like noises. Again, I felt utterly humiliated…..my manager just grinned and if looks could kill he would have vanished on the spot. When I spoke to him afterwards, I said, ‘I can’t believe you made me do that….’ He smiled again and just said ‘It’ll be easier next time.’ Next time?! I was determined there wouldn’t be a next time….but there was and over the many years, it did get easier. I do still have the odd rabbit in the headlights moments, but I don’t dwell on it now and just chalk it up to experience.

So, where am I going with all this verbal diarrhoea?  The point is that getting visible, whether briefing or being on social media WILL get easier. However uncomfortable it may feel at the time, you do have to just rip that plaster off and get stuck in. The longer you put it off, the worse the fear becomes. I have a feeling there might be a book about that….However, there are some steps that can help ease that process along and get the confidence juices flowing. You don’t have to be perfect, no one is perfect, but just have enough confidence to get the job done. 80% solution and all that!

That’s enough of my waffle, onto the simple steps that I have employed for myself and staff I’ve had in the past:

1. Start small – identify what your confidence nemesis is and write it down. Once on paper (or in notes etc) and not in your head, it starts to lose its power over you. Then screw it up or delete it!
2. What small step can you take to begin to get out of your comfort zone? If you are in the corporate world, ask to attend a meeting with your manager that they usually go to and just sit at the back and watch. Get comfortable with just being in the room to start with, take it all in and then graduate to ask your manager to stand in for them if they can’t make it one time.
3. For those in the online world, start to get your face visible to start with. Just post something with your picture up front and centre and try not to hide behind the stock photo. Then graduate to posting a short reel or recorded post. The beauty with the online world is that you can record and record and record again if you’re not happy, however as I said above, ‘You don’t have to be perfect, no one is perfect, but just have enough confidence to get the job done. 80% solution and all that!’ then in time, graduate to ask to help co host something or even host something all on your own! Eeek!
4. Practice what you want to say out loud….it might sound great in your head, but as soon as you engage your mouth, often it can sound nonsensical….or is that just me?
5. When we’re nervous, we often speak quicker than normal, a subconscious act to get the situation over with quicker I think, but actually it doesn’t help. Take it slow, deliberate and remember to pause and breathe. It will come across as being relaxed and can hide your discomfort until you start to feel better in that space.

None of this will improve over night and that’s ok. Confidence takes time, whatever the situation is, but everyone can gain it – take as small steps as you need to, everyone is different and has different paces.

As for keeping it……simply repeat the above until you start to feel more confident in your own skin and then keep repeating it to keep your hand in. You almost need to get to where it becomes ‘normal’ to get yourself visible and the fear has at least reduced.

And lastly, although the above may seem horrendously daunting, by building up slowly you can gain and keep that confidence. Then, you never know, but you might actually start to enjoy it and have fun.

Helen Stevens
@helenstevenscoaching
[email protected]