In the summer of 2019, I battled with depression, anxiety, and a severe case of loneliness to the point it affected every aspect of my life, from work to relationships to my progress in the gym. It was a dark time, and all I wanted to do was get away.

Working as a manager in a restaurant, colleagues of mine were taking PTO and taking fun adventures. Not having enough funds to go somewhere extravagant, I decided to pull out money from my 401(k) and take a vacation I’ve been dreaming about since I was a kid — a trip to Hawaii.

Naturally, I was apprehensive about taking this trip because my mental health wasn’t at its best, and I hated being alone. Yet without having anyone to go with, I researched stories and experiences of taking a solo trip. I had all of the hostel and hotel info entered, I reserved a seat for a helicopter tour (first-time experience), and I had an itinerary planned out. I even had my information typed out on my plane ticket. Pressing the button to book everything felt like I was going way too far out of my comfort zone. Going through a rough time, I said f*ck it! I booked it all and a one-way ticket to the island of Kauai with the possible intention of not coming back.

On the early morning of my flight, I intended to eat a micro dose of mushrooms to help combat any fears and anxiety that would arise. When I got to the airport, I realized I had left it at a friend’s house, and the next hour felt like hell. I sat shaking in my chair at my terminal, running to the bathroom, breaking down from the anxiety of traveling ALONE for the first time across the country. I called my friend for advice, who said the most truthful thing I needed to hear, “Dimitri! You are going on your dream vacation. You will have a blast, and you have nothing to worry about. If there is a legitimate issue that isn’t from the stories you’re telling yourself in your head, then call me. If not, have a great time, and I’ll see you in a week.”

I went on a trip that happened to be life-changing for me. For the first time in my life, I felt free. Free of my thoughts, worries, and anxieties. I enjoyed every aspect of my own company, from being stranded alone on a beach for three hours to walking along the coast where Gilligan’s Island was filmed to allowing my inner child to go bananas when hiking the Waimea Canyon (pictured). I learned that I was enough for myself and the fears that haunted me were only because I allowed them. At that moment, I realized all my worries were wrapped up in my head, and if I didn’t face them now, they would become more significant than me.

Aside from that, the freedom to explore a new place on your time doing the things you want is riveting. I was mistaken many times as a local, which only helped me feel I belonged somewhere. I used an app that was my own personal tour guide for all-day and half-day excursions. If you are ever traveling to Hawaii, I recommend downloading the “Shaka Guide [island name] app. It is a private tour guide that guides you on adventures that range from 4–6 hours and takes you through the ins and outs of the island without feeling like a tourist.

Being able to strive in solitude takes courage. Not in the sense of bravery, but being courageous to experience life in the present moment with oneself fully. To overcome something that troubled my way of life, leaving me to feel I was alone in this world only to see I could be dependent on myself. I can have fun and experience life with myself. I’m a freaking blast! Stepping way out of my comfort zone for this trip was the best decision I made. Push yourself out of your comfort, even if it’s taking yourself out to a meal. You are enough.

I was grateful for not having cell phone service for most of that trip. It allowed me to be in the company of myself without distractions, in awe of the beauty of nature on the miraculous island of Kauai. I have many fun stories about this trip that I love sharing. If you’d like to hear them, leave me a comment, and I would be happy to share some traveling stories.

Shaka!