Have you ever felt dead inside? Removed from reality? Distant from yourself? Numb to everyone and everything around you? Then something happens, something too painful to ignore. It’s an earth shattering type of sadness or loss. Suddenly I’ve been jolted from my sleep. My ears ringing with sounds I’ve been missing. My eyes flooded with colors I hadn’t seen. My heart aching in ways that felt impossible a moment ago.

Nobody died. I wasn’t dying. My heart was just thawing out from the deep freeze I had locked it in. There was no stopping the flood of emotions. Crying and sobbing in ways I don’t remember ever doing. My inside aching and my brain running from it all. I remember therapists telling me many years ago that I would eventually have to feel my feelings in sobriety. I remember thinking, but I AM feeling my feelings. They knew I was only feeling what I allowed myself to feel. They knew that deep within my hardened heart was pain and torment, guilt and shame, fear and anger. Years went by, real life happened. My heart was still frozen. Safe and encased, protecting it from loss, grief and accountability. I was just trying to survive myself.

Feelings aren’t facts, I’ve been told. Hmmm… well some feelings are based on facts. Cold hard, black and white facts. You’ve filled yourself with; drugs, mens attention, money, jobs and sobriety. You’ve worked hard not to admit those facts, because underneath them are feelings. And feelings can be facts. Your daughter was sexually abused by her father; you didn’t stop it. You lost custody of a baby; lost in a drug addled life. You got sober and lost all aspirations. You quit trying. Those. Are. Facts. And those are feelings. Gut wrenching sadness. Disappointing myself over and over again. Guilt that settles in my gut. Shame that flows with my veins. Grief that thumps with my heartbeat. Those. Are. Facts. And the exact feelings I never wanted to feel. My dad died and I hadn’t repaired our relationship. I didn’t see him. I didn’t help my sister. Those. Are. Facts. I was sleep walking. I cried but mostly I felt numb and distant and different than everyone else. My life was constantly playing out in slow motion. It was on mute and the captions where turned on. I was truly not awake, alive or happy. 

It took something gut wrenching to wake me from the sleepwalking, it took being cheated on by the only man I’ve ever trusted. I literally felt like I had been jolted awake. I wasn’t going to stop trying anymore. It was time to chose myself.