June 2021. I was washing dishes in my studio flat in Nice, French Riviera, and listening to Gabor Mate‘s talks on the use of psychedelics for trauma healing.

2 months before I’d met a girl on a plane who did an ayahuasca retreat. The name of “that plant” kept on showing up. Must be this was the case due both to Google who indeed has ears and to me being ready for that journey.

At that time, it had been a year since I came off antidepressants, ended the unhealthy relationship, and left the toxic work environment. The “trash” was out, I would say, while still unconsciously identifying as a victim.

Years and years of psychotherapy made me heal from depression, find a new job and run 25 km a week. Still, I was unhappy and unable to forgive myself and others. The unexpressed rage was manifesting itself as monthly otitis, while my pelvis was screaming sharp pain on a single thought of being intimate with men.

Under the appearance of a strong woman who has just turned 30, the wounded girl was still whipping.

This was the moment when I realized that I was ready to die on that matres with “that plant” rather than keep on living the way I lived.

I found the website called Retreat Guru, and decisively chose the retreat center in Spain. 5 days, 3 ceremonies. Super. The determination was there, but how can I find € 900 plus money for the flight when I was already € 500 in debt?

This shook my “it is complicated to find a second job” conviction and I started searching.

2 weeks of sending tons of emails every single day, and nothing. Not a single reply.

I was ready to stop pushing, so I decided to do the meditation for letting it go. The voice of The honest guys made me fall asleep. 15 minutes after, a call woke me up.

It was a lady from the telemarketing company I worked for before. They asked if I am available for work in the next 3 weeks. “The pay would be € 1500”, she said.

I was stunned. If this is not called a sign, what is it then? This is when I understood what it means when they say “the plant is calling you”.

I did the retreat a month after. It was the most significant and profound experience I have ever lived. A year after, I can say that in 3 ceremonies with ayahuasca I achieved more than I would in 5 years of psychotherapy.

I thought that I came there to fight my demons, but the plant showed me that I am done with suffering and that all I need is love. “I suffered enough”, she said, so she gave me love. Healing. Forgiveness. Clarity. She gave sense to my long-lasting wish to die. She gave me more than my little mind could ever have imagined.

I will not go into the details of my dance with the plant medicine, at least not in this article, but I want to share with you the wisdom that she spoke through me, as well as my process of failing & raising in following the guidance I have received.

Here are the 12 lessons I got from ayahuasca: 

The answer to all of your questions is TRUST.

Love with no regret, GIVE WITH NO REGRET. The universe is always keeping you safe while teaching you lessons and giving you exactly what you need.

Cuddle your daily fears and worries. Speak to them, dance with them. CHANGE ALWAYS COMES AFTER THE ACCEPTANCE. 

Love your strong mind, LOVE YOUR EGO, love your flaws – this is the only way to soothe them.

EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS FREELY despite the consequences. Be scared and still do what feels right. This is called bravery.

You are your own flower. YOU ARE CHOOSING WHO ELSE’S FLOWER YOU WANT TO BE.

You are so beautiful, powerful, and infinite, and everybody else is. The responsibility goes to those who know this.

Live without much planning. Everything you seek is already HERE, in the NOW.

The body feeds the soul, but the SOUL CAN ALSO FEED THE BODY.  You don’t need much food or sleep if you feel connected to your being.

Your body is your best guide. You are YOUR OWN BEST MEDICATION. 

Your talents are your gifts. Your ego seeks others’ feedback and reassurance, but your SOUL IS HUMBLE. Your soul sees your gifts in service of others.

Anyway, it is just LOVE or someone’s PATH TO LOVE. Even this sh*t happening in the world right now is people craving for love. Why would you ever need to protect yourself from love, then?

You might think that this all sounds beautiful, but is also so abstract and hard to apply daily. AM I RIGHT? Because if I am right, you are right too.

I thought that the state of love and connectedness I was maintaining for 6 months with long meditations will never pass. I was wrong. Oh hell, I was wrong. Everything passes in this human experience. It is a hard truth to hear for the awakened newbie that I consider myself.

The good news is – truthful living does exist. And it will come. But it does not come right after discovering the divine truth. It comes gradually. It comes with practice. The practice of being human.

My way to the awakening was with help of ayahuasca. It was instant. And I do not think it is, by any means, everybody’s way.

Every flower grows on a different ground. The paths to the truth are diverse. Still, how we become the living truth is universal. We try and make mistakes. We keep on trying. We fail and rise.

The middle can only be found by experiencing both ups and downs. This is what this play is all about. Learning and unlearning. Sweating and enjoying. Forgetting and reminding who you are and what all this is about. Until… until it settles. Until the changes change the mask you put on every day. Until you are ready to choose the role that represents who you truly are.