Accept it

They have gone. They would rather be with the other person. It’s hard, but it actually doesn’t matter how you feel about that. It’s not your decision, it’s theirs, and they have made it. And they made that decision for themselves sometime before they told you. It is a done deal. And, as hard as it may be, as unfair as it may be, it is the truth you are now living. So you must accept it. He or she or they are not coming back to you. Wishing will not bring them back, nor will any other strategies you may entertain, such as explaining why your rival is not worthy of them, or confronting your rival, or trying to have your rival put in jail… it’s not about a third party, it’s about what your ex chose. Don’t even waste your time on questions like “But why did they? How could they…?” You may never know, they may not know themselves. It has happened, and now you need to figure out how to live with that.

Rebuild your life- today!

I know. All you want to do is lie around in your pyjamas crying and watching TV. Eating chocolate. And you can. But you also need to break out of your self-imposed prison. You may even blame the one who left you for putting you in the solitary confinement of loneliness. But as they have gone, they actually are not keeping you there. You are. The good news: the door isn’t locked, and outside the whole world is still there waiting for you to re-enter it. It is still there, pretty much as it was before you met them. And now you are actually better equipped to make your way through it, because you are armed with more understanding of what goes on out there.

So… reach out to your friends. You probably have seen less of them while you were so wrapped up in love. They are still there, and they want to support you. If you let your feelings be known, you may be surprised at who will appear out of the past to lend a sympathetic ear.

Rebuild your life (part two)

When you invest in someone so deeply and they let you down and desert you, you may feel that without them you are nothing. Because they have disrupted your life direction. They turn out to have been a distraction from what you are truly about. Remember what you liked doing before they came along. Do that. Do all of those things- especially the things they didn’t like or had no interest in. Remember, your life is for you! As you do the things you like, you will begin to remember who you authentically are. You will slowly begin to see that you don’t need them to have a sense of yourself.

Cut the cords

The temptation to contact them is strong. They were part of your everyday and you miss them and there are things you want to tell them. If nothing else, you want them to know how they are making you suffer. I’m sorry, but they don’t want to hear that. They are happy with someone else, they no longer see you as their responsibility, and your emotions no longer resonate as strongly with them as they did when you were together. So it is better to make a clean break. Block them on social media, resist the urge to stalk them to see how (and who!) they are doing. Don’t reminisce too much about the good times. Maybe later you can, but for now you need to move out of the past and break the emotional ties. Look for meditations and sleep hypnosis on YouTube for letting go of an ex… there are literally hundreds of them, and, over time, they do work.

Have Self Compassion without Self Pity

Even as you start to reclaim your life you may find yourself slipping back into regrets and longing for your lost love. Give yourself a break, you’re only human, and this is what we do.

Don’t become lost in lost love, but practise some compassionate self talk. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel what you are feeling and it will take as long as it takes to get over it. Even a relatively short relationship can take an extended time to recover from, maybe longer than the relationship itself

No one can tell you how long it should take you, and it’s okay as long as you are reclaiming your own life at the same time. If you feel that you are unable to start rebuilding and you are stuck with a sense of failure or worthlessness, it may be time to seek professional help. In fact any time is appropriate to seek professional help. That is also part of self compassion… talk to yourself as you would to a friend you care deeply about.

It will get better. You will be okay.

Just focus on each day as a new beginning, do what you love, get involved in social activities, do everything according to your energy and in your own time, and with time will you will heal. You will be okay without them. You have still got you.