Searching for a way out of the darkness I stumbled on a remedy used for thousands of years, Ayahuasca. I had reached my wicks end, my life was a mess: divorced for fourteen months, financially broke with debt after being a vice president in a bank in Miami at age 30, living with my parents at fifty after leaving home at 16, implicated in a high profile corruption case that I have nothing to do with and was involved due to my ex father in law, having been fired from my dream job two months ago, losing my sister in law of 34 years weeks ago, losing my uncle to cancer days ago and terrified of losing my children’s love to an angry ex-wife that had left me in ruins all for money. I sometimes thought my symptoms were similar to what was described as post-traumatic stress disorder, I had gone through some traumatic stuff in my life but I had not been to war. It was a heavy load and my soul was caving in from the weight. The drugs and alcohol were no longer doing the trick and I felt more and more like I was drowning in it all.

Having been in therapy for over fourteen years, medicated and recently increased in dosage; none of it was working at all. I was crying all the time depressed and losing the will to live, if it were not for my children. Desperate times called for desperate measures, I had read about and seen a documentary about ayahuasca and just days ago a friend mentioned it to me, telling me it was something she had done and was going to a retreat in Peru to do it again due to a personal crisis she was going through. I began to explore and immediately found I did not have to travel to Peru to experience it and signed up for a ceremony that was to take place the next day. I read more about the procedures and testimonies, believing strongly that this ancient ritual could help me now. I was a nervous wreck, but at the same time giddy with excitement, finally I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I had tried LSD, mushrooms, mescaline, peyote, but that had been when I was a young man in my late teens and twenties. I began to read too much as we tend to do with the internet these days and saw everything that could go wrong, I stopped reading and said to myself “I was on the brink of suicide, what are the odds this will kill me”.

I began to prepare with a journal, it was clear to me I was not going to a party to trip out, this was serious work and I was not going to enjoy it. The testimonies reemphasized over and over that the process was like hell but coming out was like ten years of therapy. I wrote my intentions: heal my heart, my soul, my life, leave all dependences behind, loving kindness with my closest and finally prosperity and abundance. I packed a bag with a yoga mat, a towel, change of clothes, water bottle and my journal. The wait for the time to go felt eternal, when I arrived I saw I was the oldest of the bunch and only knew two people, my friend who told me about the session and his girlfriend, of the eleven that would be involved in the ceremony. They were all so happy to see each other and the room seemed more like a party of friends, little did I know what was to come. I felt way out of place, probably due to the age difference but also my nervousness for the process to begin.

The lights were all turned off and many candles lit the room, they explained the process to the group and told us we could not leave till the ceremony was over. We all committed and began to prepare, one of the group leaders took me aside and told me he was going to give me a tobacco cleansing. I heard about it and followed his lead, since I was the first I had no idea what was to come. He takes a sack of tobacco, seemed like fine snuff, that smelled strong and sweet at the same time. He put some in a little pipe he had and told me to hold my head up straight, he then proceeded to blow the tobacco up my left nostril. I was shocked, it burned my nostril and my eyes began to water immediately, I thought he was going to light it and blow smoke, but it was the actual tobacco. My face feels like it is on fire and I can’t see anything since my eyes can’t stop tearing. He sits me down and says you need to do the other side, I thought fuck this is like mustard gas and I can’t even breath. I get the strength to get up and face him as he blows another packed pipe of the fine brown powder on the other side. It wasn’t as bad the second time, since I knew what was to come, but it was nasty. The taste and smell of the tobacco would stay with me for days after that. I went and sat at the main table which had been set up for the eleven of us to sit around and spent the next twenty minutes spitting into a plastic bag, trying to get rid of the tobacco that was in my nose and mouth. All the others took turns getting the tobacco cleansing and it was a lot harder for some in the group, it took forever and I was impatient. What felt like hours later the main leader or shaman said its time to drink, I got up and was the first to go. He told me to take twenty-five cubic centimeters and I decided to pour myself thirty. I went back to the table, but saw that the rest of the group after taking their dose went to the living room, an hour went by and I was feeling nothing. The group continued to socialize and I felt isolated and pessimistic about the whole process. The shaman then said to the group, “ok let’s take a second dose so we can sit and begin”. It had been about an hour and a half from the first dose and I was not feeling any effects, I asked the Shaman how much I should take and he tells me fifteen cubic centimeters, I begin to pour and reach the thirty-cc marker, he tells me it’s too much and I ask what to do, pour it back? He says no, don’t pour it back in the bottle, so in order to end the conversation I take the whole shot glass of the medicine and walk back to the table. I was thinking I was not coming back, I had to get this therapy done today.

We all sat around the table and the shaman with the help of the other three group leaders started guiding us on what was to come. Everyone at the table was very quiet and the shaman was reciting ancient scriptures, that to me at the moment made little sense, when all of a sudden, I felt a tremendous force come from within my abdomen and I began to throw up very aggressively into a plastic bag I had been given for that purpose. The shaman was to my right and began to chant louder, when I heard one of the other leaders say, “here we go” as I belched into the bag aggressively. I felt the need to hurl again and got up to go to the bathroom, when I reached the toilet I could see that what I had thrown up was the second dose of the medicine. I went back to the table and was given another plastic bag, I tried to open it and could not get the plastic to separate, I noticed right that moment I was tripping. The effects began to take over, first it was all audio, the sounds became sharper and the chanting began to make so much sense. Then I began to see tracers where the candles were, the light was distorted and I was seeing lines of light streaming.

The first part of the ceremony was about transformation, the shaman went through several scriptures and began to take us on a transformational journey. I felt like I had the medicine under control, but as the night went on it seemed like the energy from all those sitting at the table was making it stronger and stronger. I could not make out what exactly the shaman was saying but it was clear I was understanding it all and my journey to wisdom had begun. During some parts I would try to throw up again, but now nothing came out just that horrible feeling. The shaman told me that depending on what he was chanting at that moment the effect would be felt immediately by my physical reaction, the medicine was cleaning me. I felt like I was going in to a deep state of unconsciousness and so many things were being revealed to me, some were horrendous and others enlightening. I began to feel fear from the effects of the medicine, the shaman said it was normal that evil spirits try to sabotage your experience and he would practically scare these away to leave the group alone. The visuals became too heavy for me, some of the faces at the table began to sort of melt in front of my eyes, I laid my head down on the table with my arms crossed. As I stared down at the floor I could see the white plastic bag dangling from my hand, but it did not look like plastic, it was more like liquid and the effects were mesmerizing. The voices in the room all became one, people were shouting out gibberish and it was being answered by the other side of the table in a coherent way. I saw geometrical lines connecting over our heads, the whole time keeping my head down I did not need my eyes to see, they were like laser beams making triangles and shapes over the table between each of the participants. It was around this time I began to suffer like a baby and all I could say over and over was I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Then I would go on a rant for several minutes saying thank you, over and over again. “Thank you lord, thank you”. The table continued the ceremony, but I felt like I had at the beginning that I was secluded form the group on my own journey. I thought that my baggage was so much heavier than theirs because of my age and all the shit I had been and was going through.

I remembered at that moment when I was five years old, our family moved to the other side of the world and until I was thirteen I lived in a developed nation with very different ways of thinking. Global minds looking always to improve their knowledge by searching for new ideas while at the same time studying ancient cultures. When I moved back to the third world country where we came from I had the hardest time fitting in and many saw me as a weirdo because I was different to them or thought differently. It was ironic since I had come from a country where I was the only Latin American and everyone treated me with more respect than where I am from and where we are all the same nationality. Some of these personalities were just jealous of me for some reason and some of these became bullies I would have to deal with in my school and on weekend. One of these guys came to mind, he was a couple years older than me, which at thirteen is a lot. He made my life miserable and would always tell me he was going to beat me up, but he never did. I would be scared shitless of him but always stood my ground, not letting him get the best of me. I don’t know why he came up in my trip, but it felt like it had to do with the hardship I had suffered from my move, the trauma I had suffered at that young age had gone by unperceived. I repeated over and over, “I’m sorry, thank you for the lessons”.

The ceremony continued and the mood got darker harsher, the voices of the participants were loud in my head but felt like we were all very dispersed around the universe, again I did not need my ears to hear. I began to tire and heard the shaman that soon we would take a break. I have no idea how many hours it had been but the feelings were so intense they were taking a toll on my body. I suddenly go into a trance resting my head on my arms on top of the glass table, that at one point I thought I could break through it. The Shaman then gets up from the table and tell us to stretch and rest. I head to a corner with a sofa and lay exhausted on it. The leaders and the shaman then go into a musical dream and begin performing old Andean music with acoustic guitars and lyrics that spoke about the journey we were on. While lying on the couch I began to cry uncontrollably, saying sorry over and over again. I let it all out and remember the shaman telling me to purge all of it out of my system. I think of my children and kiss them and tell them how much I love them, I beg for their forgiveness about the whole divorce thing and tell them as if I could see them in their sleep at that very moment, it must have been four in the morning, that I would always love them unconditionally. I continued to cry and quiver like a child on the sofa, but had this very clear image in my mind that I was cleansing myself, purging all the shit out of my system, out of my mind, out of my life. Every now and then the Shaman and others would come by and check on me and all I could tell them was how grateful I was and how much I loved them all. Then I would roll over and continue my process thru what felt like purgatory. After a while the shaman came over and began talking to me one on one, the medicine seemed to have peaked and was beginning to ware off. I began to come down and was so grateful for going through all that, he began to console me and tell me all would be fine. He was like half my age and I felt like I was talking to a wise old man. I told him I had been suicidal and thought this process would help me erase all those thoughts from my mind, he was so kind to give me his contact and tell me anytime I felt that again to call him so he can scare those evil spirits making me think that crap. What a kind soul this young man, well educated, looking to help others, this is what our youth should look like. While we are talking another first timer comes over and tells the shaman he has a stomach ache. The shaman gets up from the couch where we are seated and begins to concentrate on this guy’s belly, he points his finger at it and sort of thinks hard and the other twenty something year old tells him, “all gone, thanks” and walks away. I look at the shaman with amazement and tell him how brilliant he is, I have been around the block a few times, I don’t fall for scams usually, this guy seemed to me the real thing and was helping me get rid of all my demons. He tells the group to head back to the table, we have to finish the ceremony, I consider staying on the couch but I follow the shaman’s advice and head back to my seat tired. As I get to my chair I see my journal, I grab it and toss it in my bag thinking I cannot use a pen right now. I pull my chair up to the table and see the white plastic bag I had been using on the floor, I go to grab it, when I notice it still has that liquid look and feel to it, I can’t grasp it, the medicine is still in full effect and at the table with all these other souls it became more intense.

The next process in the ceremony was about prosperity and abundance, these brilliant minds all begin to talk about their genius projects and the shaman begins to bless all the projects individually and he goes thru a series of chants and blessing that cover all your family, friends and relatives in the past. At first, I feel strong and keep my head up, but as the gibberish and telepathic messages go back and forth between the minds at this table I bring my head back down to my position on the table on my arms. At this time my elbows begin to hurt and I notice by the candle light that they are red from the pressure I have been putting on them. I continue to receive all the messages being sent and ad an “amen or yes get it out” to the messages being sent. I continue to say thank you over and over and sorry again and again. The vibrations at the table are the highest I have felt since I arrived about ten hours ago, this is insane, it does not end. The Shaman goes on with the ceremony which is on his lap top, he is seated to my right and I feel fully connected to him, what a great soul I keep telling myself. He suddenly hands me a tube with some sort of liquid and tells me to take it in my left hand which confuses the hell out of me at the time since I can’t tell which is which. I take the tube and as I do he says hold that energy and absorb it. I do not feel anything physically, however in my mind I seemed to calm down a bit, the intensity of the ceremony was taking me to a state of euphoria which subsided when I held the tube. I could not understand how the Shaman could manage the computer and follow the ceremony, it was mind boggling to me due to the strength of this medicine. I reach a point where I am just exhausted, I ask the Shaman if I can get up from the table and go back to the couch I had been lying in earlier. This time on the sofa I feel calmer and again I can see my children sleeping as I kiss them on their heads. I begin to rest but continue to hear every word being said at the table where the rest of the group is still seated. I see the light of the new dawn begin to enter the room we have spent over twelve hours in. I continue to rest and feel several minutes later when the group all arises from the table and begin to sing and chant as they had done before during the break. Now the sun is out and everyone in the group begins to hug and say their goodbyes. The bond formed there that night was very strong, the eleven souls were now eternally connected in this universe. As I begin to sort of wake up from this state, I realize I have not slept all night and feel no need to do so anytime soon. I’m so energized, smiling, still trying to process so many things that had been said and learned that night. What a fucking trip it had been all that I had expected and more. I felt pounds lighter and with a completely new perspective on life, an awakening that had rocked my soul.

As I gather my stuff to get going the shaman comes over to me and hugs me, telling me what a pleasure it was to meet me. I tell him how impressed I am with him and what a wonderful person he is and he says, “yeah, I feel a connection with you too, you have to know my father he tells me.” Earlier in the evening we had been talking about the concept of “six degrees of separation”. I ask this young shaman, “what’s your father’s name?” As soon as the name comes out of his mouth I feel in my mind, the shout of that bully that tortured me in middle school. My shaman was the son of who had been my bully thirty-eight years earlier, this beautiful soul that I admired so much had come from that guy that I detested and feared so much. The universe was so small, it was incredible how we are all connected, we are all evil and we are all good, we are all God. It seemed to me the universe was correcting a mistake made decades earlier, something to help me cleanse my fears, that were blocking my chakras not allowing me to evolve. What a blessing to be there that night, to have met this amazing shaman, to be part of that event, it will live in my soul forever.