The Wrong Questions

If you’re reading this right now, it’s probably because you’re in a relationship with a man whom you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Maybe you’ve got a few conflicts or differences standing in the way of you taking the big leap together.

Maybe he just wants “more money in the bank” before he can make the commitment.

Or maybe everything is fine — in fact, your man is “content the way things are” and just “doesn’t want anything to change.”

You see your future together as bright, beautiful, and full of possibility. You think those possibilities will become reality if you are married. You view the declaration of commitment to one another as a celebration of your love. You acknowledge the benefits of marriage, but you feel alone in this. If only he saw things the way I do, you think.

Whatever the case, you’re wondering: Why won’t he ask me to marry him?! What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with us?

Well, I have news for you. These are not the questions you should be asking if you want to get married.

In fact, I’d go as far as to say that asking these questions is pushing the potential of marriage further and further away.

The Right Questions

Wondering why he hasn’t proposed isn’t the best line of inquiry. But it can lead to the right questions, if you’re willing to dig deeper.

Focusing on what he is doing, not doing, or should be doing, distracts you from what really matters. There is a layer underneath these questions that is more important than the questions themselves.

Instead of asking why he isn’t proposing, try asking yourself this question: What does our relationship need in order for us to be ready to make a lifelong commitment?

What does the relationship want? What does the relationship need?

That’s right — I’m putting emphasis on the relationship as its own entity.

In any given relationship, there’s you, there’s them, and there’s the “We Space.”

The We Space

When concerning ourselves with the We Space, we care about the space between two people. The focus is on what’s happening between two people, not just what is happening within the individuals themselves. When focusing on the We Space, we observe more about each individual in more important ways.

When looking at the We Space, questions start to sound like this:

• Are we handling our conflicts with respect and love?
• Are we able to tell each other everything, free from judgment?
• Are we each other’s best friend?
• Are we navigating x, y, and z with compassion and grace?
• Are we turning towards each other’s bids for connection most of the time?
• Which of our issues are we actively working on, and which ones are we sweeping under the rug?
• Are we willing to start working on the issues we’ve been sweeping under the rug?
• Have we organized our finances yet?
• Are we putting equal effort into this relationship?
• Are there any outstanding or unsaid disagreements that are thwarting our full presence and connection?
• What does our relationship need in order for us to commit to marriage from a healthy place?
• What hasn’t happened yet, that if it did, it would make each of us feel ready and excited to get married?

And so on, and so forth.

These are the questions that illuminate potential realities for why he may not be proposing.

So, really, if your partner hasn’t proposed to you yet, it may be an invitation to make your foundation together even stronger by asking questions like those above.

Instead of asking him when he is going to propose, or why he hasn’t proposed yet, consider asking questions from the We Space, and see what happens.

The Magic Is Still Allowed

You may be wondering:

If we really had something magical, wouldn’t he propose no matter what?

or,

Does it have to be so robotic and strategized?

Listen, the magic between the two of you doesn’t have to dissipate in this type of inquiry. This type of questioning can amplify it. Taking the time, energy, and care to answer these questions shows dedication — and I don’t know about you, but that kind of dedication is a whole other kind of magic. Think of this approach less as strategy and more as devotional care.

THEN will he propose?!

You may hate me for saying this, but the focus of these questions is not necessarily to get married. The focus of these questions is to see if the answers you give actually merit getting married, and to invite you to create a stronger foundation that cultivates the fertile soil for marriage at some point.

The emphasis is on having a strong foundation and a thriving committed partnership, not on marriage as the end game.

Put the emphasis on the integrity of your relationship, and he will notice. He will notice that you care more about the relationship than the ring.

That, my friends, is a better motivator to get married than anything else.

And really, isn’t that what matters most?