I used to daydream of cabins in the woods,

Of fireplaces in the winter and no one around for miles.

Of huts in the jungle

Where there isn’t a tv or a wifi connection

And the only sounds I hear are monkeys & birds.

Of unique airbnbs, with windows into how the other half of the world lives

Of waking up to dips in the ocean

And sand in places I never want to get out.

Of walking the earth with my bare feet,

Braless,

Houseless maybe,

But never homeless.

But now I daydream about bookshelves

And counter tops and cabinets that are just fine as there,

In fact the nicest I’ve ever had,

In fact the best I’ve ever had.

Yet my mind wanders to white or blue,

White

or

blue

I used to think that wasting my time on making it look right, on buying to nicer brand, the more expensive one – was pointless.

It’s just a couch.

It’s just a table.

It’s just that it’s just this place I’m nesting in

I’m trying to make it a home

Even tho a voice always says “it’s temporary”

And I’m wondering what it means to own something that doesn’t feel like mine.

I’m wondering what it means to own something that takes 30yrs to pay off.

I’m wondering what it means to own something when your HOA says you can only have so many trees in your yard, and your fence can only be so tall.

I’m wondering why it feels like a trap,

Like I’m stuck here in one place forever,

Like an animal who can’t get out of its cage

Who screams inside – desperate to be let out.

But I am trying to make it a home

I am daydreaming about light fixtures, and shelves, and plants to put on shelves.

I am remembering to be grateful.

I can’t shut out the sound of the ocean calling,

Or the call to sink my toes in wet mud.

I want both.

There’s a way to have both, right?

Both my daydreams have to be realities

Within me

That aren’t either or

Bcuz there’s room for both

There’s room for both.