When you are healing from any kind of trauma, you realize how many layers of yourself were created to keep you safe. You were just trying to survive. As you heal, you start to notice that underneath all of those layers is your authentic self. I call these layers Cloaks of Nonsense. I call them that because that is what they are: freaking nonsense. They are not who you are, but who you had to be. As I navigated my healing with the help of my incredible trauma therapist, Rachel, the cloaks started to be uncomfortable and little by little, I threw that shit off. I was full of more sass than I originally thought and extremely in touch with my anger.

When I was young and dealing with the abuser, (my paternal grandfather named Alfred Jebitsch, who is now just referred to as Al) I had to be well behaved and do what I was told. I did not know what would happen if I did not. What did that mean for me as I grew up? People pleasing and making sure I never rocked the boat. I was in survival mode. I also pushed any negative feeling way down. I kept my mouth shut. I did not tell people how I felt most of the time.

I started to study my reactions with people, especially when they made me angry or upset…especially when I was angry. We are never taught about healthy anger, even as adults. If you are a woman and are reading this, you know this to be especially true. I do not mean someone is about to throw a chair, I mean using your voice to stand up for yourself. This also means calling people out when they hurt you in any way. I have learned that if you do this, you are often called difficult. People confuse being assertive with being aggressive. I have also learned if you are someone who is doing the work and speaking up in your family, perhaps you are called the black sheep. And why do you think that is? Because people do not like that boat rocked. People get comfortable, doing the work is too hard. So, people choose not to do it. My therapist tells me often when I’m having a particularly rough day, “This is really hard work, to heal from all these things, to talk about everything that happened. That is the reason why a lot of people choose not to do it.” I have learned for that to be absolutely true. But, here’s the thing, that has nothing to do with you and your growth. Do not let other people’s choice not to heal fringe upon your choice to heal. People in my life, including family, are in or out. You are supporting my healing or you are not. Toxic is toxic and that includes family. See? No more people pleasing cloaks. I constantly feel lighter!

There is a member of my family who told another member, “Alissa is just so angry.” Are they fucking serious? Of course I am! I will give you one guess if that person is doing their work…exactly. People who are not doing their work do not want a light shown on truth. People should be more worried if I was not angry. I am doing a lifetime sentence for a crime I did not commit! That is part of the reason I choose to remove these cloaks. That is why I am writing this article. Maybe you have cloaks of nonsense, things about yourself that are not authentically who you are. I encourage you to find a therapist and support to help you navigate through this. It is so worth it.

There is so much grieving when it comes to trauma. I think often, what would I have done differently if I was not in survival mode? How would my life be different? I danced for ten years. It was my life, my passion, my release. Then, I stopped in my 20s and have not danced since. Through therapy, I realized that part of my choice to stop dancing was because the abuser went to every single one of my recitals. My passion that saved me for years, he took. He took my innocence and then the dance floor right from underneath me. I lost all those years of not being my authentic self. I will never get those years back. My cloaks of nonsense were self doubt and fear of not being good enough. I have removed them since and I am dancing again. He will not take that from me anymore. It is who I am. I am not my trauma. It is a part of my story, but we always have control of how our story changes and how it ends.

I encourage anyone reading this article to reflect on their choices, the life they are creating, their cloaks. Do you have a cloak to take off? Are you making choices based on your passions and goals? Take them off and live the life you were meant to live. I promise you it is worth it and it is so much lighter.