I realize now that I have always looked to help people, and my friends have historically come to me for advice. When I needed advice, I looked inward, and of course, it is easy to say this retrospectively. Because in the end, I looked everywhere else but myself. In my case, I turned to people that did not have my best interest at heart.

I’m writing this because I’m on a journey. I have been following intuitive hit after hit, and here I am in “Finding your Voice.” Here, I discovered Maitri, and I really want to dive in. When I listened to the intro, it was as if I was listening to my conclusion being said right back to me.

I want to be of service to others. I have documented notes of how I crawled out of despair in case my experience can help someone someday. I don’t know how I will be in service to others, but that, too, is part of my journey.

Right now, my new story is a blank canvas. I know that is Ok.

I’m realizing now that perhaps telling my story and the pain that caused me to despair will do nobody, including me, any good in its retelling. Possibly the overall theme of how we get failed by systems in place to protect us and how to spot the signs of psychologically unsafe environments would be more helpful.

As I received this message a few weeks back, I looked at how systems in place are breaking. If it’s happening on the macro level, it’s happening on the micro level. Just how many systems in place to protect us fail? Just how many suffer in silence?

I know that drugging up memories is not helping me, and it’s not helping anyone else. I was angered by remembering, and I wrote a lot about that I did not publish. I thought a lot about it, and the exact moment I started to watch the videos in Maitri.

I spent the week writing about how I made friends with myself. It was a new way of looking at it because I always use the word healing. Making friends gives it an extra texture that is often overlooked.

Recently, when faced with a narcissist or a person with narcissistic tendencies, what they were trying to teach went in one ear and out the other. I tried some tools I was taught and stayed embodied, but the words remained in my head. I knew something wasn’t right, and I needed to end it, and I did.

I also know it is so very subtle at first that even if you say something, you sound “overly sensitive” The list of things I was called can go on, but the result is worse. The result is I changed myself too much to fit the narrative of others, and that caused me to systematically break. In the end, I look weak. To some, that is the worst look one can have.

I still find myself apologizing for things that are not my fault. I’m learning to show emotion again, and it has been challenging. I’m relearning that I am not a bad person. I am relearning everything good that was chipped away over time. I’m learning to move through my fear.

It’s Ok to rewrite your story. I know many people think I am crazy to rewrite mine. I’m rewriting my story one experience at a time. I’m starting from scratch with only my battle scars and the parts of me that are learning to be friends again at my side. My faith truly guides me, and it is a beautiful thing.

I also realize that I just wrote that through the new moon. One of many moons I have been working to recollect the pure and broken pieces of myself and make friends with them again.

It’s Ok to be your own counsel and best friend. It’s Ok when you know your heart and intentions are coming from the right place.

Becoming my friend again has taken a long time, and I’m still sifting through what is mine to befriend. I have come a long way from where I started.

Namaste.