It was suggested to me and I agree. I feel like I should, for prosperity and a laugh, document my experiences in my hoe life. I could publish a book when 70 (after my parents have passed) and everyone can be interested, excited and humored by the tales this senior citizen had when she was just a middle aged hoe with purple hair.

I think, by most accounts, I have been pretty successful on the 2nd level of hell they call Tinder. How, you ask? Well, for starters the male to female ratio is 9-1. NINE to ONE. Fellas, if you are not swiping on right on just about anyone you find REMOTELY attractive, you should be. Because the super hot ones are either not real accounts, people just looking for you to sub to their OF accounts- or 90% of the men in their vicinity (and beyond) are swiping on her too. You are one face in a literal SEA of photos she opens her app to see. I am a solid 5. A 6 on a good day and I get about 200 likes a week. Jesus. That’s just stupid, considering I am not a head turner out in the world. There is absolutely no way I could really look at every profile and assess whether or not I would want to talk to that many people. The only way for a guy to really stand a fighting chance is to swipe on a LOT of people. I have shared that one statistic with my FWB and he has changed his tactic- and is starting to see some results. (More matches, more conversations).

Next, ladies, realize that this IS somewhat of a time commitment. You can’t win if you don’t play. Casually opening the app and messaging one or two people of the sea of likes will not produce results. Of the 400 likes I’ve received in the past 2 weeks, half of them are likely not real accounts, looking for a long term partner, too far, etc etc etc. Of the half left you have to weed thru those that don’t have pictures (requirement for me), dull profiles, not my type and so on. Of the 400- I swiped right on about a dozen- but I’ll get back to this point in a minute.

What I find to be most important at this step is to show your commitment to what you’re looking for. The men on this app are frustrated. They have been ghosted, faked out and had their time wasted by Instagram or OF models. I truly believe that a lot of them are coming off as complete gross dicks because, why not? Throw it at the wall and see what sticks. I had a guy open his message me with “you DTF?” I politely said, “I’m good, thanks.” He actually replied and said, “I’m sorry for being so forward like that. I’m drunk and horny and Irish. (it was St Patricks Day) Thank you for even replying.” I asked him, “out of curiosity, how often does that tactic work?” He said “Honestly, about 10% of the time. LOL” Hey, 10% is not bad numbers. Had I replied with, “Yes, but maybe not TODAY.” the whole thing may have gone differently. He got human real quick as soon as I treated him like one. But of course I can’t do that with every lame ass message I get. So in general I ignore things like that. Understanding that this app USED to be JUST for hook ups in its heyday, and that a lot of people are really NOT looking for a relationship is important. Tinder is really NOT the place to look for love, even if that is what you are ultimately looking for. This can’t be a surprise to anyone. I’m saying, know your audience. But as I was saying. It takes a lot of time and effort and patience to talk to the few people I do match with. I don’t match with people unless I have a few minutes right then and there to have a conversation because there is always the chance that they will message you right away.

side note- yes, I pay for tinder gold.

I can usually tell fairly quickly, a few minutes, if this is someone I want to continue talking to. Yes I do judge based on how they spell (wat u doin 2nite), if they ask me anything overtly sexual etc. We all come up with our own ways to weed out people based on what gives us the icks. YMMV. Since I most often get complimented on my smile, it’s a good starter for me. “Thanks! I just got it!” and I comment about something on one of their pictures or what they may have said in their profile. I immediately ask a question. Most men, do like to feel that you are interested in them. And for me, if something about them made me want to swipe right, I usually have questions. “How many times HAVE you jumped out of a plane? I don’t know that I could ever do that!” or “Have you been playing guitar for long?” etc etc. If they are willing to have a conversation with me- then we chat until someone inevitable asks the question, “so what are you looking for on this app.” It’s a question I hate to receive, but like I said, know your audience. It IS Tinder after all. We all know why we’re here so lets not beat around the bush and waste more than a few minute.

Saying “I’m not looking for anything specific” is too vague, and often a lie. You know why you’re here. You are hoping to meet a nice guy or girl. You are looking for a FWB, you are looking for a long term relationship etc. Just SAY that. They are not going to think more or less of you for it- and who cares if they do? At this point they are just words on a screen. If they unmatch, move on. If its not your vibe, then move on. I have been talking to people who, when they find that I am not looking for a relationship, say “I’m looking for something more long term” and I answer, “well, good luck on your journey. I hope you do well.”

Once I am in a conversation with the person, how that conversation goes depends on different things. Sometimes the vibe is more friendly, sometimes more sexual. Be open to it, keeping your goal in mind. Don’t be shocked if they want to meet right away. Understand that everyone is a flight risk. The men are in heavy competition with a sea of men that are messaging you. The women are frustrated and annoyed and just WAITING for the men to say something icky. If you are not up to or able to meet right away, say so. “I usually don’t meet people the first day I start talking to them, but if you’d be open to having a little more conversation with me, I’d like that.” If they don’t want to, move on. If they are open to it, then keep talking.

So I am/have been in conversation with 6 men this past week. (actually only 5 now because one of them, who seemed promising gave me the ick so I unmatched with him). Talking to 5 different men is a chore. It’s distracting and it’s time consuming. However, it’s a numbers game. Starting at 400, I was at 6. And as things go on, half of them are going to drop off. You have to leave room for the fall-outs. I suspect I will only actually meet MAYBE 2 of them due to schedules etc.

The conversations are different with every one of them. Once interest is established you can relax a little and get to know each other. Be interested and be interesting. Be honest. Flirt. Accept their flirting. Remember the goal!!