It was a slow night for a Friday night, out on the streets it was a ghost town. There were three women including me working this night, all secretly hoping to get enough work so we could have Saturday night off but also deep down knowing that even if we could, we would still see each other’s faces the next night. Sex work has a way of trapping you into believing it is all about the money. Once you were in, it was hard to get out and so you just accepted that even if you did not want to be there, that this was your life now. Your life, your friends, your relationships, your family, they are all in the confines of the gentlemen’s club.

Music was playing through the speakers; we were all quieter than usual.  Just after midnight, a swarm of men rushed through the front door. We could see them one by one through the camera in the girl’s room. It was enough to spring us all awake and fix ourselves up before we were called out to meet the men and hopefully, impart an impression so that they would “choose” us.

As I walked back into the girl’s room after my brief introduction, I heard my name called on the intercom. “Chloe, you have a client, one hour.” Jazzing up my hair one last time I walk out of the room and greet my new client before leading him up the flight of about twenty stairs and a quick left into room 1. I noticed he was only about nineteen, small in stature, very polite and not too talkative. I did my usual STD check and sent him in to the shower while I got myself ready.

As he finished his shower and walked over to the bed, we begun a conversation which somehow led to Christianity. I caught myself both dying of embarrassment and laughing inside when I heard myself joyfully proclaim that I was a Christian and loved God! As it turns out we spent the next 30 minutes speaking about God and how we both ended up in this place before he quickly put on his clothes and said he had to go! In that moment I felt so much shame, I felt dirty, disgusting, and wanted to hide, from God. This was not the first time, or the last time god would meet me in my brokenness in one of the darkest times and places of my life.

The truth is that I was so angry at God. I blamed him for putting me in a broken family, I blamed him for the sexual abuse, I blamed him for my mother trying to take her life my whole upbringing, I blamed him that I felt so alone and had no one, I blamed him for not saving me, I blamed him for my lack of self-worth, I blamed him for everything! In fact, at that time, I thought I hated God. But really, I hated myself.

Early one morning just before the sun rose and I had just finished my shift I went upstairs to one of the rooms to get some sleep before my next shift, as at this time this was my home. I was tired, I was sore, I was cold, I was afraid, and I was alone. In my darkness and despair, I laid in the foetal position, and I sobbed, and I sobbed. I cried out to God, “Why don’t you hear me!!!! Why don’t you do something!!! I wish I were dead!!! For the next year I spent every night there taking drugs to get me through each day, each hour, each moment. I had no reason to work there, I had no reason to live. I began gambling my money away, hoping that I would win enough to start a new life for myself, spending all my earnings from the night before forcing me to go back, night after night after night.

I would buy drugs, and as much alcohol from the bar as allowed and gamble the rest. This was my life. Most days I would fantasize about how I would end my life, but I was too scared to die. I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t know how to live. One night as my fellow friend and co-worker was getting the ice pipe ready for me, I noticed she was not her usual bubbly self. I asked her if she were okay and she fell into my arms, sharing of the pain, heartbreak and hurt in her world and how she needed to find a way to get out and live a normal life so she could get her kids back. In that moment, my heart broke for her, for her kids, for me, for all the other women before and after us. As I stroked her hair, I silently prayed and promised to God that if he got me out of this work that I would go all in for him. It was only 4 months later that I left and not long after that god put it on my heart to work for him through sharing the hope and love of Christ with women in the adult entertainment industry.

What I know to be true is that our timing is not gods timing and god knew I was not ready then. But 20 years and a lot of work later I am ALL in for God! Even when he was not listening Even when I could not see he was working Even when it did not feel like he was working He never stopped, he made a way!

He showed me through his love and grace that even amid our pain, in the midst of our shame, in the midst of our brokenness, the darkness and hopelessness, God loves us and sees us.