{Adult Language Ahead—Very Adult}

I want to verbally lash her with the f-word.

As soon as I hear her say, “I remember what it was like to date. I am so happy with my husband,” I want to beat her like Rocky in the title fight with the Russian.

You know what, go fuck yourself! Fuck your happy fucking relationship where you can hang your hat and reflect back on your dating life as a pastime. Further, take your happy fucking relationship out of my fucking face.

I have been told, “You are so strong.”

To which I reply, “That is my only option.”

I could march around like every other single thirty-something woman and attempt to live on the campaign, I am just investing in me and focusing on my work right now. But I know that is bullshit. If you so much as offer to carry my groceries for me let alone fuck me until I see god, I’m going to want to shack up with you.

I have focused on me to the point I have astigmatism. I have taken all the steps to become an interesting person. I can even amuse myself with irony. The pure reality of it is that sometimes I am more interested in the life I could be living than the one I currently exist in.

Nestle up to the fire kids, because I am about to outline Why It Sucks To Be Single.

1. Dating: I hate dating. I hate the farm to factory way we date in the 21^st century. If someone told me that the rest of my dating life would look like never leaving puberty, I would have started a heavy drug habit long ago.

Instead of passing notes, I get a two sentence text-message arranging a time and place to meet up. I’m not sure if I am going on a date or figuring out where to bury the body.

We have already started out on the wrong foot. Fuck it, you are sitting down and I am dragging my feet. The whole arrangement stinks of licentious ambitions soaked in as much effort as it takes to make yourself cereal for breakfast.

And the stupidest part is, I agree to it and then post my stupid agreements to Facebook.

2. Facebook: You are a mother fucker. In fact I’m sure there is a fan page for “mother-fuckers” and I have yet to “like” it.

Thanks to you I found and reunited with my first love who is now my latest ex-lover. Thanks to you I can post my pathetic musings at one a.m. and hope that the person I am interested in will read them and somehow want to marry me after he decodes my carefully crafted tag-lines that are also linked with pictures of cats doing stupid things. You have now mainstreamed stalking and turned my friends into reconnaissance warriors scouting pages for the post that says, “I want her back.” I would have never known my ex was in a new relationship if it weren’t for status updates. You have taken passive-aggressive to a whole new level. So, thanks for that Facebook.

3. Grocery shopping/weekly chores: “Hum, what shall I eat tonight?” I’ll take a double of mac and cheese with a side of table for one. Would I like help carrying these upstairs? “It’s cool I got it.” In fact, I will cook, clean, do laundry, balance my check book and rub my own feet. Fucking fantastic!

4. Other happy couples: It is unfair that the representation of my crushed dream gets to walk down the street holding hands on their way home to have the eight hours of amazing sex that I am about to download off a free porn site and then turn off five minutes into watching it because I feel like an alcoholic drinking alone in the dark cold void of solitude. Fuckers!

5. Masturbation: I am a pro at getting myself off and knowing what gadgets to use. But, I just spent the day running my own business, cleaning my house, getting my car repaired, creating a sustainable business plan, doing yoga and eating right, and now I have to give myself a hand job? Suffice to say, I am overworked and it is turning into a chronic condition.

6. Activities: Besides shitting, I pretty much prefer an activity partner. It’s a Friday night and the pubs are full. Let me just belly up to this bar by myself and talk to my whiskey. Um, no thank you. In this case, having someone to do fun things with is like adding ice cream to pie; it just makes it better.

7. Creepy men: When you are with a good guy who will watch your six, you have a built-in labia blocker. No creepy guy is getting past your man-shield. “Thanks for taking the creep bullet babe, now let’s go home and have sex!” If you don’t have this, then you can always travel in packs of girlfriends, but someone is going to be taken out by the ever-heard-of-double-penetration-call-me guy.

8. My parents: When you’re single, this is standard parental conversation.“How are you honey? Who are you dating?” “Shit ma, I just came over to borrow some Tupperware, and yes I will bring it back!”

9. Religion: “Hold up. You are telling me that I can’t have sex until I marry someone?” That is like telling an innocent man he has to do hard time in order to get laid. I’m not bending down to pick up the soap. I prefer body wash and I want someone else to be rubbing it on me while telling me how sexy I am. I’ve yet to read a verse in the Bible talking about that.

10. Divorce: Some people my age have been married twice already! It’s like they are fishing in a hatchery and I have been ice fishing all these years. That being said, being single after being married is a whole other article.

I’ve got my bridle and saddle ready boys. Just let me know which one of you lucky fellers is going to let me ride you into the sunset. Yee-haw bitches!

But for real, for a good time call….

Author’s note: Life is a parody of itself unless the decision is made to make it serious. Say what you will, and so will I. Thank you for reading. 

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Editors: Lori Lothian and Anne Clendening
Image: Flickr/Dan Queiroz