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Great partner but…a lack luster sex life?

Being stuck in a rut happens to a lot of couples. Sometimes the energy it requires to “have sex” is more than we want to give out and therefore it gets pushed to the back burner for another day.

Relationships thrive with physical intimacy, but it has to be the kind we want, when we want it. Couples are also just fine for extended periods of time without sex, but going too long can be a relationship killer.

Now, let’s be clear here. We know there is a difference between “f*cking” and “making love.” Both are equally important. We need to feel loved and respected by our partner—treated with care and consideration—but there are times when a fast, sexy “quickie” is simply what the doctor ordered! Feeling uncontrollable desire and hot within the moment is a fantastic boost of adrenaline coupled with confidence. Nothing wrong with mixing it up, right?

Either way, we should never feel like we’re simply going through the obligatory motions when it comes to our sex life. There’s nothing sexy about that.

How do we engage in physical intimacy with our partners like we mean it? There is a way to build a sexier sex life! Ruts are bad. Grooves are good!

Here are 10 tips to ignite some dormant passion to get out of the rut (and back in the groove).

1. Go for the slow burn. It’s nice to let the feelings swell (ahem). Gentle touches throughout the day, signs of affection, sweet words—all of it works! Whether the relationship is brand new or decades old, the set up is actually important.

2. Let it be somewhat spontaneous, never planned. Planned sex is the worst. There’s nothing fun or sexy about checking it off our “to do” list. Penciling it in on our calendars is going through the motions. When sex is treated like a chore it becomes intellectually and emotionally associated with something we don’t want to do. It’s good to be “ready” but organic; in the moment sex is the kind that strengthens the bond.

3. Say it without words. It’s beyond important to show desire with our eyes and actions. PSA: Compliments, tenderness, and laughter—all of it takes us (and you) to the moon! Contrary to what the porn industry will have us believing, humans are not always light-switch horny. A sexual encounter should be result of compounded good vibes in other parts of the union.

4. Be sensual, not corny. Dress tastefully provocative on purpose. When we do a little something out of the box, something unexpected (the cliché of wearing nothing under a trench coat comes to mind), it feeds the imagination and gives our partner something to think about, which fuels, you guessed it, great sex!

5. Be subtle. Make it known that sexy time is on the brain, just sitting there simmering, but don’t say, “Hey, I want to have sex with you!” Bring those sexy thoughts to a boil, slowly and quietly.

6. Connect in the head. Doing something fun together or discussing something intellectually agreeable is a serotonin rush. Echoing ideas or simply enjoying each other’s company can lead to a great sexual encounter.

7. Create a perfect stage. Clean house, great meal, a little wine, a project completed—all of these feel-good things add up to create the perfect storm of settled and accomplished ambiance for some fun sex.

8. Add an unusual element. New locations! New moves! If your lover raises an eyebrow, it’s a good thing. Trying something different can spark desire, and bonus, if our partner is fully engaged, we benefit!

9. Be honest. If the moment isn’t “happening” come clean about it. There is no great reason to continue “bad” sex. “Getting it over with” should never be an option when it comes to a sex encounter with our partners. We should all understand not every experience will be mind-blowing, but a low-energy dial-in isn’t overly respectful of our partners, and quite frankly does nothing but add bad juju to the relationship.

10. (Really) listen to cues. My favorite line in “Train Wreck” (the Amy Schumer movie) is when she tells her love interest to “concentrate up top.” How often, during sex, do we keep our thoughts to ourselves for fear of our partner thinking we are criticizing them or being weird? We must be assertive and direct in order to get what we want.

The moral of the story is…the pleasure we get from sex with our partners is completely up to us! Being stuck in a rut is our own damn fault. A couple can thrive without high frequency sex, but high quality counts whether it is a slow jam or a quickie. When we make each sexual encounter count, we let physical intimacy enhance and fuel our relationships. Resentment and boredom in our sex life do not exist when we implement these 10 tips!

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