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So many people feel as if in order to be successful, they need to be in competition and prove that they are better than everyone else.

I want to be perceived as someone who plays nicely in the sandbox with others; a team player, cooperative, and not competitive, easy to work with, reliable, open to sharing ideas, and mutually supportive. My wise father referred to it as “one hand washing the other.”

I am consistently stretching and growing my skills and offerings. I would like to think that my follow-through is impeccable, if somewhat obsessively so at times. I want to be seen as a person of integrity who says what she means, means what she says, but doesn’t say it mean.

When I think back to the way I lived my life 5-10-20 some years ago, I am astonished at the difference. Even though I would never have admitted it, I worried incessantly about money, relationships, school, and job performance. Beneath a confident façade was a woman who was riddled with self-doubt.

As a result, I attracted experiences and people who gladly and maybe unconsciously reinforced that attitude. These were among my greatest teachers. I bless them. I have also learned that I needed to allow aspects of who I thought I was to fall away and die off in order to become the woman who is typing these words.

Am I always confident and in control? Nope. I just laugh the fear thoughts into oblivion. At 65, I still second-guess and ask myself what the outcomes could have been if I had made different decisions. Knowing that I can’t rewind history, I have regrets and use it as a springboard to make better choices that are more fulfilling.

I have also learned that when I have felt like things weren’t happening fast enough, according to my schedule, all I needed to do was glance back over my shoulder and see how far I have traveled. I take stock each day of accomplishments, large and small, and still see how much I get done. I have mostly put down the self-flagellating whip thoughts and instead hand myself floral bouquets.

I told myself that I had to be on in order to be loved. I told myself that my worth was based on my achievements and what I did for others. I told myself that I was broken but needed to make it look like I had it all together. These days, I embrace wholeness and take great delight in life for real.

Aspects of the change I have welcomed have come as a gift from the pandemic. Hard to imagine that there was anything to celebrate about that sometimes-terrifying time. Duck and cover is more like it some days. Four years ago, right about now, I had begun to emerge from the cocoon and go out into the world, masked up. I was trepidatious because I am in a high-risk group with cardiac and respiratory conditions. Once I was out, I was eager to dash back home, which became my haven.

For several years, few people passed through the door as they had “in the before times.” I had hosted twice a year gatherings, and last year was the first time I welcomed family and friends back in to celebrate my birthday and the winter holidays.

This once upon a time wing-spread social butterfly who would have numerous activities on my schedule on a daily basis had folded them in protective mode. People in my life would tell me that they would feel exhausted just hearing what I was up to. My social calendar was filled to overflowing since I had a hard time saying no and because I wanted to see and be seen. Now, I am more selective about where I invest my time and energy. Even if I say yes to being somewhere, unless I absolutely am obligated, I give myself the freedom to change my mind, with apologies. That is who I am today.

Some of my work in the world is as a therapist. For the past 40 years, I have served clients who may be struggling with who they are and how they want to be seen in the world. I witness them as is and dive into inquiry with them about a rebirth. I have never taken for granted the trust they place in me and revel in their successes as if I am a proud parent. The Yiddish word for that feeling is “kvell.” We are a team. They know I am an ardent cheerleader and accountability partner for them.

My biggest challenge is maintaining balance and boundaries, not practicing “savior behavior,” and refraining from taking on their pain. Secondary trauma is an occupational hazard for those of us who are in the human services professions. I have needed to decompress by working out at the gym, reading, napping, meditating, praying, writing, listening to music, watching movies or TV, taking a walk in nature, or calling a supportive friend, in various and sundry combinations. I want my clients to remember the lessons and not just the person who offered them.

When I interviewed the Dalai Lama in 2008, I asked him a question about the legacy he wanted to leave when he died. His response was adamant and unwavering:

“No, no, no. Many years ago, a New York Times journalist asked me that question. I told her, as a Buddhist practitioner, not allowed. If I take serious my legacy, that means self-centered. So, I answer that and then again that lady asked a second time, and I answered same way and then a third time and then I lost my temper. If you ask, I may lose my temper. (Laughter followed.) Your motivation should be sincere, and your life should be of benefit to some people. That is the main thing. Don’t care after my death.” 

Although it is hard to argue with His Holiness, I consider legacy being about scattering seeds that may take root and grow into a beautiful garden. I choose to be of benefit to the world.

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