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The words “war” and “motherhood” don’t often sound like they belong together.

War is such an intense and rigid word that evokes a feeling of pain, a raw form of ugly and discontent.

Motherhood is a gentle word that often is used to paint a beautiful image of nurture, love, and growth.

It is true, if each word was searched up alone, the images would most likely provoke two different feelings within. Yet, the reality is that these two words blend together almost as smoothly as peanut butter and jelly. Both words carry a level of strength and shame. Not all mothers feel this way, I’m sure. However, the never-ending progression of roles and expectations placed onto motherhood is a war within itself.

In general, it seems like the role and ideologies of a woman in society has been destroyed and rebuilt too many times to count. Everyone wants to paint this picture of what a woman’s role should consist of, creating a hodgepodge of never-ending expectations. The role of motherhood is no exception.

Even though women have been stepping up and filling the role of motherhood since the beginning of time, what it consists of has been ever-changing. The war of whether or not a mother should work or stay home and which is really the “easer” role for a woman. The never-ending, well-meaning advice and images of a perfect influencer mother being shoved down our throats every day creates a war within itself. We live in a society where the aesthetic of a stay-at-home mom or working mom is more important than the mental health of the mother herself.

I’ve been blessed enough to step into the shoes of a full-time working mother, a hybrid work from home mother, and a stay-at-home mother. Each had their own ways of being beautiful and fulfilling, and each had their own ways of being hard, tiring, and lonely. It was like each had their own dark mirror that reflected back onto the beauty.

I found each to have this taboo by any negative feelings that were being felt. Motherhood is beautiful, there is no doubt about that. However, with each one, the idea that you are a mother should be enough to keep you happy and motivated at all times. If you have any negative feelings at all, you are told to be grateful, count your blessings, and suck it up.

If you work, you’re told to appreciate the break you get from your kids. If you stay at home, you’re told to appreciate the fact you get to be with your kids all day. If you do both, you’re told to be grateful you get the best of both worlds. Although, all these facts can be true, there are days they aren’t helpful.

Sometimes you just need someone to understand, to acknowledge that whatever role you’re playing in motherhood, it’s not an easy task, and allow you a moment to just be human. Sometimes you need a community of other mothers who aren’t trying to one-up you or compete with you, but who are just there for you in your moment of weakness as you fight the inner battle. Whether that’s in the workforce or at home.

As a working mom, I was never allowed to let my personal life seep into my professional life, as many will look at you as weak and incompetent. Yeah, I got a break away from my kids, with a huge side of guilt for leaving them, even when they were sick. A huge feeling of guilt from missing out on certain events because I had to work. I learned how to push my feelings down to get a job done, although all I could think about was if the person watching my children was loving them the way I would or listening to them. Learning how to not cry at work because many of my childless coworkers didn’t care that my child just told me they hated me that morning or asked me why I loved working more than them. Trying to explain to a five-year-old that I work because I love them and want to provide for them was basically impossible. Children don’t understand that; they just understand that you’re not there.

The fact that even as a full-time working mom, I was expected to keep a clean house, keep up on school activities, and be there to bathe and put them to bed was a type of hard that can’t be explained. The fact that I would have to explain before a promotion how my children would bear it, unlike my male counterparts, and I couldn’t just say they would because none of us have a choice, we need the extra money, was hard.

Being a working mom came with a level of shame when it came to my family. Constantly, people would remind me of how this only comes once and I’m missing out. My response was always, “Well what other choice do I have? How can I provide?” It’s funny how people are so quick to shame you and remind you of what you are missing out on, with no solution to offer you.

As a hybrid mom, I was excited to try the best of both worlds. However, kids don’t understand workspace and meetings. Coworkers won’t accept that your meeting minutes were wrong because you were typing while feeding a fussy baby. Again, it’s not an easy task, but your husband and your boss or customers don’t want to hear you complaining. Just that you are getting it all done with a smile on your face.

As a stay-at-home mom, I’ve found that I barely have a moment to even think my own thought. There is something always that needs to be done in the house, things that I managed to ignore as a working mom because they didn’t have priority. I have a pressure to still somehow bring in some money so I feel like I am contributing. I may not be in charge of booking meeting rooms or scheduling my boss’ flights, but I now take over the whole family’s schedule.

Again, there is now a new level of shame when people ask what I do. So many think stay-at-home mom means you are lazy. When really you barely even have a moment for yourself. Something always needs to be attended to and someone always needs you. Outsiders will tell you not to be a stay-at-home mom because you will have no identity of your own and nothing once your children leave. Like raising kids isn’t an accomplishment in itself.

At the end of the day, motherhood is the best thing I have done. I would never change it for the world. My kids give me the greatest purpose in life and I hold onto that purpose whether at home or working. However, it is the hardest thing I have done, and it’s not even because of my children. It’s because the outside world wants to tell mothers how they should be, what they should do, what is right, and what isn’t.

Television paints mothers one way and people are confused when reality isn’t that way. Programs have painted this story that a working parent is an absent parent who doesn’t care. When in reality that parent and their love for their family is very much there in the home that is provided, the vacations, the gifts, and the fact that every day they can they spend with their family instead of by themselves.

Working moms judge stay-at-home moms and stay-at-homes moms judge working moms all while secretly envying each other. The idea of what society thinks men should do has for the most part stayed steady. Meanwhile, the idea of women is now to take care of home, children, and work to help provide. A cluttered house is a disgrace, taking a day off of work to take care of your sick child is frowned upon, taking some time for yourself is being a bad mom, complaining is selfish, being tired is just hormones (sometimes is can be, but sometimes it more), and being emotional from it all is weak and shows you are incapable.

As mothers, we need to support other mothers. Whether they are working, staying at home, or navigating through a new world of both. Let’s bring back casserole exchanges. Let’s make it okay to ask for help with things around the house or with kids. Let’s bring back women who support and love each other. Let’s bring back letting mothers rest after birth and take care of themselves while others help with life.

Let’s stop the war of which motherhood is harder and accept we all need help sometimes and someone to tell us it’s okay to be stressed. You’re not selfish, you’re not too emotional, you don’t need to be perfect. We are here to lift you up whatever that may look like.

Let’s bring back a community mentality to motherhood. Let’s bring grace back into motherhood, for others and ourselves alike.

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