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Childhood trauma.

Two words that predict how our entire life turns out to be.

We don’t get to choose our environment or caregivers. When we’re small and helpless, we don’t get to choose anything really.

All we want is love. Attention. Validation. Support. I look at my one-year-old son and notice how he glances at me every now and then to check if I know what he’s doing.

With eyes full of innocence and openness, he wants to notice me noticing him. He wants me to see him—really, really see him. He expects my return when I walk out the door. He expects me to pick him up when I physically approach him.

I, like him, also wanted the same kind of validation when I was a baby. I glanced at my parents every now and then when I wanted them to notice me. Although I don’t remember it, but now I know it thanks to my son.

We’re all born with the same need and desire, which is unconditional love. When something goes awry with that need, our entire nervous system shuts down. Our emotional regulation gets disrupted and we start looking at the world through the lens of a baby whose needs have never been met.

That, is childhood trauma. Trying to function as healthy, regulated, happy adults when deep inside we are still looking for our main caregivers’ love is childhood trauma.

You may think you’re okay. You may think that your childhood was perfect. You may think that your current actions and reactions are random. They’re not.

That’s the thing about childhood trauma. Although we may think it hasn’t affected us (or it has never existed), the truth is it’s always been here. Without our consent, it has been traveling in our subconscious minds for decades and has discreetly manifested in our relationships, careers, friendships, and alone time.

Childhood trauma comes unannounced. There are no warning signs. All we have is this present moment and the emotional triggers that come with it.

Nothing is by accident. You’re angry for a reason. You’re sad for a reason. You’re stressed out for a reason. You think you’re ugly and worthless and a failure for a reason.

And though we may never know or remember the real reason, it’s enough to say that our childhood trauma will always be an unwavering part of us.

Today I came across this post on Instagram that perfectly describes what childhood trauma looks like:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Dr. Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist)

“The result of childhood trauma is a mind that can’t be present. It’s a constant hypervigilance around who will betray you, abandon you, or what crisis is coming that you can’t control.”

The result of our childhood trauma is mental absence.

We’ve been living on high alert for many years. We expect hurt, disappointment, rejection, shame, guilt…we expect something to remind us of the lack that we experienced as children. Subconsciously, we want to relive the past. It brings us comfort and familiarity, no matter how painful it was.

That’s why we remain stuck in destructive jobs and relationships.

Although childhood trauma is ugly and messy, please know that you can heal, slowly but surely. The love we haven’t received as children does not define who we are today or how our life will turn out to be. We can make peace with our primary caregivers and understand that they did the best they could with what they knew.

We might not be able to travel back in time and undo our traumatic experiences, but we can recover and give ourselves permission to forgive whoever may have caused them.

~