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Holding space is a type of empathic listening practice in which you provide a heartful, supportive, calm presence, but you don’t try to solve the other person’s problems or remove their distress.

In all situations, though, the genius of empathy is that it lets you bypass your judging ego and compassionately listen to someone else’s feelings and perspective.

Here is an overview of the “Ten Steps to Empathic Listening” from my book The Genius of Empathy.

Step 1. Stay Neutral, Bear Witness

As a listener, you bear witness to another’s distress, confusion, (or delights!) rather than getting overly involved or needing to intervene. You are caring, while offering a few supportive smiles, nods, or words. You listen to empathize not to react or try to correct the situation.

Step 2. Cultivate Acceptance

Try to be tolerant of ideas that may be different from your own that you haven’t been exposed to before or reasoning that makes you uncomfortable. If a friend says, “I won’t stop smoking cigarettes even though I have a nasty cough,” or “I can keep hating my former boss if I choose to,” just listen. You don’t need to agree with your friend or condone their position. Sometimes you might learn something new about different traditions and beliefs. Other times you’re just gathering information and showing empathy for their suffering, which may manifest as stubbornness or destructive decisions.

Step 3. Set a Time, Place, and Time Limit

Keep in mind that you don’t have to listen to everyone in need, as many caring people tend to do. Choose who you listen to and for how long (say 15 minutes or whatever feels right) and decide on when and where to meet. Choose a private place where you won’t be disturbed. Since open-ended sharing may become too long and exhausting, a defined stopping point is ideal. If the person wants feedback at the end, you can spend five additional minutes.

Step 4. Stick to One Topic

Agreeing on a topic keeps you focused. If a sharer tries to cover a list of problems, it can be unproductive and overwhelming for both of you. If they jump from, “I feel my sister doesn’t appreciate me,” to “My mother has a bad flu” to “I’m angry at my supervisor,” it is too much information to cover in a single listening session. If the sharer strays onto other topics, simply smile and add a gentle reminder, “Please, let’s stick to one topic.” This singular focus will yield the best results.

Step 5. Create a Safe Container

As the sharing begins, show unconditional positive regard for the person you’re listening to so they feel comfortable enough to express themselves. Help them feel valued and respected, an experience that many people rarely have but may yearn for. Temporarily, set aside your own problems or distractions. Keep focusing on your breathing to center and relax yourself. Your caring presence will help the sharer feel safe.

Step 6. Pay Attention to the Person’s Body Language

As you listen, train yourself to hear what someone says and what they don’t say by observing their body language and listening to their tone of voice.

Step 7. Listen to Your Intuition

Listening to your intuition can help you determine a person’s inner state. It is a nonverbal way of being empathic and understanding someone. Tune in to your intuition by asking yourself, “What is my gut saying about this person? Is it tied in knots or in pain?” If it is, you’re likely sensing their discomfort in your own body. If your gut is relaxed, it’s a sign that they are at ease.

Step 8. Practice Loving Detachment

Loving detachment means setting a gracious boundary by establishing a healthy emotional, energetic, and physical distance. It’s a bridge, not a wall. It is not isolating or unfeeling. Rather, you step back just enough so you don’t overidentify with others’ struggles. When they share their anguish about an illness or exhaustion from overwork, you’re not ingesting their stress as if it was your own.

Step 9. Use Conscious Breathing

While holding space, stay aware of your breath. As many of us do, you may breathe shallowly or tense your body when you’re stressed and overwhelmed. So, keep exhaling any discomfort, anger, fear, anxiety, or other emotions you may be experiencing yourself or have taken on from the sharer. This will help you stay centered and relaxed as you listen, even if emotions get strong.

Step 10. Bring the Conversation to a Close

When you’re nearing the end of the agreed upon listening time, you can gently remind the sharer, “There are five minutes left before we need to stop.” This lets them tie up their thoughts and emotions and ease into concluding the interaction.

As you begin to practice empathic listening, simply offer the recipient a supportive, nonjudgmental presence. Allowing time to listen to someone gives them space to express themselves. People also enjoy sharing happy moments and breakthroughs. Listening to these is a way of sharing positive energy and a sense of celebration with each other.

Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy (Sounds True ©2024) Judith Orloff.

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