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We all want to give our best in relationships.

We want to make our partners happy, give them the best version of ourselves, and honestly—this is completely natural.

But when we begin to abandon our needs, wants, values, interests, and beliefs for the sake of the other person, this is where the trouble starts. This is what we call “self-abandonment.”

In short, self-abandonment happens when we don’t have a strong self-concept. It happens when as adults we are still playing out our patterns of co-dependency, people-pleasing, and abandonment issues we learnt as children. At its core, self-abandonment is a deep fear of rejection and abandonment.

When we abandon our needs, wants, and all the important part of ourselves, something feels wrong inside. We might not be able to pinpoint it exactly (especially if this is all we have ever known), but deep down, we know we are living a big lie. We are not being true to ourselves and we end up feeling resentful toward the other person in the relationship. To be quite honest, it becomes exhausting!

People who know they are worthy of love (and I mean know on a cellular level) do not self-abandon. People who are fine with being alone (knowing their worth and not needing another person for external validation) do not self-abandon. People who have healed their people-pleasing tendencies do not self-abandon.

As you can see, we must make a conscious decision to heal ourselves from our patterns to make sure we don’t end up abandoning ourselves when we’re in a relationship.

Here are four signs we could be practicing self-abandonment whilst in a relationship:

1. Not saying what we truly think.

Not speaking our true opinions and beliefs about things for the sake of keeping the other person happy is a sign that we are not being true to ourselves. When we agree with everything the other person says simply for the sake of not rocking the boat, we are not really acting out of love, we are acting out of fear (which is exactly what people-pleasing is). The same goes for when our partner has done something which has really bothered us and instead of bringing it up, we shove it under the rug so as to not create conflict. This slowly builds up resentment within us and eventually the bubble bursts (usually in an explosive manner).

2. Not setting boundaries.

Having boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. We need to feel that it is safe to say “no” to the other person. Even though we are in a relationship with another person, we need to remember that we are still a person with boundaries and limits. If we struggle to stand up for ourselves, we are certainly going to struggle in relationships. We should all have strong physical boundaries, sexual boundaries, emotional and financial boundaries. Ideally, these should be discussed and made clear right at the start of the partnership.

3. We stop seeing our friends, and our relationship takes up our entire lives.

A sign of a healthy relationship is that we still take time to be with our friends and we have a life outside of the relationship. If we are hardly seeing our friends in order to make our partner happy (especially if our partner shows signs of jealousy), then we are neglecting a fundamental part of our well-being.

We need companionship, but we don’t need to spend every second of every day with our other half. The same goes for giving up hobbies and interests for the sake of a relationship. If this begins to happen, personally, I would genuinely question if this relationship is one worth having. We must remember that we are still unique beings with our own interests and friends.

4. Hiding ourselves, making ourselves small, not showing our gifts.

We also self-abandon by playing small. By not asking for too much. By not “being” too much. By being scared of coming across as too “high maintenance” or too “needy.” By hiding our talents and gifts and all the special parts of us that make us the wonderful people we are.

A relationship is supposed to be a safe space where we can expand and grow (both individually and together). If we feel ashamed of being too much, all our relationships will struggle. Playing small does not benefit anyone (especially ourselves). We are supposed to be the best versions of ourselves, and we need to own that.

How to heal:

A healthy relationship will not require us to suppress any part of ourselves. The opposite of self-abandoning is respecting and honouring all our parts and needs. To heal our self-abandonment issues we need to first take an honest look at how we know that we are doing it. I would actually write a list down of all the ways I know I am not honouring myself fully.

The next step is to begin to heal the fear of abandonment and rejection, which are both results of childhood trauma. We do this by feeling. We can’t think our way out of these wounds because they are not just in our heads, they are held in our bodies.

We need to do nervous system work. Few people understand this, but our nervous system is actually our life. It determines how we act, behave, and all our wounding is stored in it.

Somatic experiencing is a fundamental tool when it comes to healing our childhood patterns and wounds. It involves getting back in touch with our bodies and learning to safely process the emotions that we weren’t able to process as children. Learning to feel will take some time (as most of us live disconnected from our feelings), but it is probably the most worthwhile thing we will ever do in our lives.

Sometimes if the emotional wounds are too big, we may need to work with a somatic experiencing practitioner to help us, and this is perfectly okay.

As we begin to heal, our brains will actually begin to rewire, and we won’t have the need for people- pleasing tendencies, co-dependency, and playing small. Our nervous systems will understand that it is safe to set boundaries and to show off the best parts of ourselves.

And as a result, our relationships will improve—most importantly, the one we have with ourselves.

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