Tidings of Comfort and Joy?

I was raised Catholic, but the teachings of The Bible didn’t change the fact that some of the authority figures in my life behaved as the Devil himself. By the time I was sitting in pews of church, during the first years of Catholic elementary school, the lessons of good versus evil fell on deaf ears. I had already experienced the terribly dark acts of men, leading me to question how a God could even exist.

I did not adhere to those religious beliefs and philosophies, witnessing weekly confessionals as congregants sought to repent for their sins—an act that somehow let them off the hook—never addressing the ones they’ve wronged directly. As if that was a sufficient practice to “make it into Heaven” yet their actions could be contributing to another’s “Hell on Earth.”

I ended up feeling victimized and stuck in the endless loop of an internal narrative, seeking answers to “how can this happen,” and “why me” among other unanswerable questions that drove me quite mad over my adolescent and young adult years.

I spent more time alone with my thoughts in quiet spaces (preferably out in nature with expansive views). I wanted to believe a God did exist, but couldn’t conjure any reasoning to support that theory.

I was deep in the throws of my own suffering.

I was certain to deny that an elder white man sat in the clouds overseeing our efforts to be good in a land of temptation, preaching temptation was evil. Or that he sent his son through an immaculate conception as our savior from all the evil in the world, if we gave ourselves over to him.

My power was taken away (along with my innocence), and I fought long and hard to take it back. Once I did, I was certainly not going to give it away to beliefs and philosophies that didn’t align with my heart and soul. The only thing Catholicism gave me was a clear understanding of the duality of light and dark, good and evil, black and white.

What took me decades to understand was the gray areas inbetween. To deduce with critical thinking about the places in the middle. Not to create false truths or to bend a truth to fit my perceptions, but to allow the direction of my own dark thoughts and feelings to seek out the light.

Peace, joy, comfort, and love are always shining (somewhere), sometimes you have to dig deep into your will to find it. But that you shall, if you want to.

Nature (my found Church) gifted me the lessons of a greater force, and a collective source energy. My devotion to this religion got me to truly believe that to live, is to suffer, but that struggle of survival is so worth it.

Because on the other side, it is truly wonderful, mystical and divine. It was the teachings of Yoga (tantra specifically) that got me to understand that without experiencing one (dark) you cannot enjoy the other (light).

It’s hard for me to not be negative this time of year.

From what I can remember, my abuse happened over holiday gatherings. I’ve sat in the dark of my own suffering enough to have digested it and speak about it freely. Isn’t that in and of itself a blessing?

I share to give others permission to break their silent suffering. We are not alone in our pain and when it is kept hidden we can feel alone (and lost) in the dark. As I did for many years.

My mind, heart, and soul are at peace with it. But my body is not. It remembers being unsafe and afraid, on guard and unable to be comfortable with an urgent need for protection.

Fortunate to have the practices of my spiritual journey help me through, I manage better and better each year. I learn more about compassion as I do. And accountability too. I have been vocal for decades about my suffering at the hands of others, and still no action has been taken. So, I mostly stay away to keep my peace, and I have grown to accept that, hearing my Mom’s voice loudly remind me to “go where the love is!”

Whether you’re Christian and celebrate the birth of Jesus, or another religion with a holiday around this time of year, I beg you to think critically about the why?

What are you gathering to celebrate?

Christmas has always been a short lived excitement of getting gifts and a whole lot of anxiety, stress and fear. For me, it never held a lesson in love, or gave comfort and joy.

That would take accountability from the elders in my life addressing poor actions in the past. To value and protect my seat at the table over those that have hurt me.

Until then, I will continue to go where the love is. And celebrate that time together in ways that have nothing to do with the birth of Jesus. He won’t even be referenced, probably much like many of you reading this.

Our society has (intentionally) commercialized it to profit off our desire for this year’s novel gift. The overconsumption is almost as horrifying to me, we don’t have to be abused to lack feeling seen, heard, and valued by our loved ones. May your gifts offer good tidings and joy, not just more stuff to collect dust and contribute to a landfill one day.

I do not seek to shame, just encourage us all to question our actions during this holiday, and contemplate: are they in alignment with our beliefs and do they foster tidings of comfort and joy?

We truly need belonging, a sense of security, and more peace. If that foundation is already there, I get that gift giving is fun, but if not, it can only reinforce a feeling of alienation. Please offer presence over presents…

Here you can find the classic Christmas carol “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentleman.” Give it another listen (with intent) and see how it makes you feel.

May whatever God you believe in help you to the light, offer the light, guide those in the dark, back to the light.

Be the light; you are God, God is you (us).

I believe that Heaven and Hell are not places we go after this life, they are what we create here, everyday. Being the light and sharing the light is my Christmas wish for us all, so we can be the Shepard bringing good tidings of comfort and joy. Create a heaven on earth.

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