“If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be chasing people who don’t love you, either.”

~ Mandy Hale

What is a life partner? The term may sound self-explanatory, but let’s take a moment to break down its meaning. I prefer this phrase over soul mate. Although in some cases the two may be interchangeable, “soul mate” tends to conjure up images of Hollywood-projected princes completing the pathetic lives of shallow princesses whose entire Disney existence involves waiting for their prince to come and make them happy forever after.

A life partner is a mate, a friend and lover with whom you wish to spend your life.

Your whole life? Well, maybe or maybe not. Again, Hollywood, media and society tells us we need to find a mate and settle down for life. For some, this works. (You know, that particular class of people who meet each other in school, get married young and have a happy marriage that endures for decades.)

However, in many cases, the life partners’ destiny is to spend just a year (or two or five or ten) together. Then, the situation shifts. One or both of them outgrow the relationship. Or something. Shit happens, and staying together is no longer mutually beneficial.

So, for the purposes of this article, a life partner is a compatible mate (and ideally lover) with whom one connects deeply—physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually—for some meaningful chunk of life.

Are you looking for one? Just follow these simple steps.

1. Exit Your Current Relationship if Necessary.

Are you presently in a relationship with someone who drives you bananas in a bad way? Release it. Liberate yourself, ASAP. Because the truth is, as long as you’re settling for an incompatible partner, you’re most likely not open or available to meet a suitable, potential partner for life.

I know it’s hard; I’ve been there. But no matter how good the sex is or how stimulating the conversation, deep down you know when a partnership is no longer viable. Be compassionate, and get out.

2. You Complete You.

Basics first: you need a home and a job. If you are living with your parents or your ex, find a place of your own. Once you have your own space, you can begin to take actions that make you feel content and complete. Join a recreational sports team, take an art or cooking class, read, do yoga more consistently, learn another language… whatever it is, do the things that feed your soul. Maybe even move to another city, state or country if so inspired.

It’s a cliché for a reason: you’ve got to complete yourself and love yourself first.

3. Know Who You’re Looking For.

There is great value in knowing yourself, exploring all the nooks of your unique personality, and identifying exactly what kind of life partner you seek. Write a list or a poem or a story describing that person’s traits. What are your top priorities? What are your dealbreakers? With whom do you want to share your precious life this time around?

4. Give Up The Search.

Really. Get off match.com and take a hike. Do the things in real life that you want to do, but not with any ulterior motive of snagging a soul mate. Tune into the peace and joy and abundance that are your true nature. Be grateful for what you have and who you are. And one of these days, sooner or later, you will find yourself standing in love with your wonderful life partner.

We all desire and deserve happiness, but our bliss cannot depend on our relationship status.

To recap: stop settling, find wholeness in your solitary life, define the qualities of your ideal mate, and quit searching for him or her. With perseverance and a little luck, you will enter a healthy, mutually-beneficial relationship with your life partner. It will feel too good to be true, but it will be just plain good and true.

Relephant bonus:

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Relephant: 

The one Buddhist Red Flag to watch out for & how you’ll know if he or she is The One.

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Ed: Sara Crolick
Image: Henri Pham/Unsplash

Mindful bonus: