The last time I had sex

I was with you.
Or was it with you?
Or perhaps it was you?
Or was it you?

The last time I had sex
was I with you. Yes, you.
together on your single bed,
crumpled with honesty
and sheet smooth kisses.
Heart connections and practicing
pussy muscles.

Or was the last time with you?
Dancing and laughing
and saying goodbye
the single soul
with two bodies
so close
a happiness orgasm,
a connected few moments

Or was it with you?
the last time we talked
about faces and delight
care and attention
positions and submission

the last time I had soul
staring sex was with you.
lights on
sigur Ros melding our hearts
talking quietly, talking rationally.

Or was the last time I had sex
the vulnerable bullshit that lacked your respect?
That challenged my boundaries of safe
and made my heart
sink for you
leaving a bad taste for both of us.

Or was it with you?
Communication and sweet.
Thankful and exciting.
Open and sexy.
You reminded me of a movie character
I once adored.
And you were here with me.

The last time I had sex was with you.
no labels concerning
vanilla notes
or kink antics
just human connection
thriving, tickling my new found
body

The last time I had sex was with just me
with moments of you
you,
you,
and yes, you.

It always is.
My saliva, your memory.

The last time I had sex was with you.

It will probably be the next time too.

**

In my sexual relations I always find glimmers of others showing up, melding all the whirls of excitement together and apart. Our past experiences are such a present matter in the folded sheets, in the masks that we use, in the ways we giggle between kisses.

Is there a love you hold on to dearly through others? Are there many types of love that you hold dearly in relation to others?

I always find my definition of what “sex” is always evolving. Yes, there is the physical sexual acts. Oral, penetration, orgasms. My body shifting around another. Talking, experiencing. Touching that makes you shiver. Emotions that release your inner butterflies.

But I find each experience with each lover so entirely different and I have a hard time comparing what “sex” I just encountered. The last time I had sex was with your smile or the way that you explained philosophy to me.

Mind blown/mind sex is another aspect of my sexuality.

Did you tell me about a business plan that you are working on? Well, it might have turned me on. It might have given me explosions. Sex. Mind sex. Who has turned you on mentally in the past? Currently? How does that relate to your sexual desires?

I was walking a new sexy time friend home after an epic dance party this weekend. He jolted my bicycle off to the side of the path. Took me. Pressed me against the brick walled background. My eyes closed but they could feel the street light’s vibrations.

He kissed me. My eyes opened and then he asked, “Is it okay if I kiss you in public?”

My response in giggles, “Yes, I think people could do it more often in this city.”

He then mentioned that he also enjoyed vanilla sex as well as kink. My pectoral muscles still sore from the night before were a little surprised, disappointed, and relieved all at the same time.

My mind thought, “Why do we even have these silly labels of what type of sex we could have, are having or might consider to have?”

I’m always renouncing labels in sexuality. Hi, my name is Tanille, I am a human, I am sexual. Ending there. Isn’t that enough to connect with another human?

Aren’t we all looking for the same thing? Connection, sex, love, hope, safety, partnership? I am not monogamous, I am not polyamorous. I am not gay, straight, or even bisexual.

I am Tanille; I am a lover of humans.

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Editor: Renée Picard

{Photos by Trae Jaxen}