June 7, 2014

Wishing of Wedding Days. ~ Mehfrell Javellana

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There it goes.

The wedding bells stopped ringing, the candles along the aisle flickered dark, the freshly cut bouquet of flowers wilted and the white, vintage styled wedding gown was worn by a graceless mannequin instead of me.

I had dreamed of my own wedding day though I have not met the man who will wait for me as I walk down the aisle. Most of us girls, if not all, have clinged to the notion that there could only be one Best Day. The Wedding Day—the day when we become the fairest and the most gorgeous girl in the whole wide world. It is the sunniest and brightest day that will ever come in a woman’s life.

As a woman full of dreams, I waited for Prince Charming like a damsel in distress until I finally decided to disarm myself with fairy tale endings. At some point in my life, a big needle popped my personally made bubble of delusion. I started to believe that a woman must not limit her Best Day. The sun shines brightly most of the time and the grey skies are just as beautiful as well.

I stopped imagining my wedding day—the way I will look in a beaded wedding dress and tiara.

It felt uncomfortable to see things and situations as they are rather than how I wanted it to be. There is no protective bubble anymore. What was left were the wide blue sky and the green foliage of nature.

I felt alone in this vast surrounding and it scared the hell out of me.

Hope was escaping me and I panicked. I was afraid of the unkown. Everybody is.

Sometimes, I would start to argue with my mind about how skeptical I am when it comes to love, relationships and being alone in a populated world. Some people would find me attractive and would wonder why I am not dating some great partner prospects. I know I am not getting younger, but all I could offer as an answer is silence.

For in silence, everything is neither right nor wrong.

Yet, when loneliness overwhelms me, I would accuse myself of being bitter in my past relationships. Shame would take the empty seat in front of me as I take my daily dose of coffee. Loneliness would travel with me wherever I go—and it would go on for days. I would try to figure things out on my own believing there is something wrong with me.

The Universe responded with a deep silence as well. It was deafening; I could only hear my own breath. I was bestowed with calmness in my heart for a moment. Suddenly, everything feels lighter.

I was taking life too damn seriously.

I’m struggling with my singleness and aloneness instead of enjoying it. We don’t over-think the positive side of things, but we dwell on the negative. Negative thoughts are like dry logs making the bonfire of self-pity bigger and more intense. It happened to me. The whole camp of peace and serenity within me was eaten by a wild fire. I have no one to blame because I am my own arsonist.

Like all great things in this world, reconnecting with my loving Self took time. It is a personal battle that I have to fight everyday. Sometimes I win and sometimes, I lose to my ego. Along the path of finding my true self, I stopped cross examining myself like a convicted criminal. Being single is never a crime and not thinking about my glorious wedding day will not make me less of a woman. I am enjoying myself right now though bad days come once in awhile.

I learned to cherish the good times just like today.

I clothed myself in pajamas, loose shirt and nerdy glasses instead of a fancy wedding dress in my mind and do the thing that I love the most—writing. I believe in the power of words and connection. The Universe is watching over us and I don’t need to see your face because my words will be enough.

Dear girlfriends, let us savour our best days. The day you got published in a local newspaper for the first time, the day you decided to live your passion or the day you realized that you are singularly happy—they all count as best days.

Who knows, our own wedding days with the men who treat us right will be added to the list. If it does not, then, let us continue to live each day like our wedding day to nature, to the Universe, to a stranger, to a friend and most especially to ourselves.