I drift in and out of thought about my grandmother’s tragic passing, her life, her service in her community and her personality.

I grieve the parts of her that are no longer and never will be experienced in the way that I can experience them on earth through our relationship as Grandma C. and granddaughter. Two things are true to me as I morn my grandmother’s passing into grace.

1. Since the first week she went missing, I felt more connected to her than I have in years. All the memories that were hidden by daily life suddenly surrounded me in every aspect of my day. Pine cones scattered upon the running trail, my daughter and I caught in a moment drawing soap pictures on each other’s backs when I realize this was something I shared with Grandma, and the color of mint green painted in the new business of one of our tenants.
2. I also know that I will not see my grandmother wrapped in the personality that I knew of her on this earth.

The personality of one other is what we are either attracted to or repelled by in our relationships. We even seek out personalities in our pets that we admire.

When someone passes we long for the reunion of the actors in the play whose scene is complete, even though we feel their presence as a continuous flow. I tell you this not to be depressing but to encourage you to act your scene fully.

Through awakening, experiencing an equanimity that is larger than this personality, I can live quite contently in an area of gray.

I can take myself too seriously, and forget to play. We are all called to play. Know thyself and know yourself as who you are born to be.

The importance of simple things: what is your favorite color, taste, sporting event? Where is your tickle spot? Indulge and play in the veil of personality, be aware of getting entangled in it.

I remember loving gym class when they would bring out the large orange and red parachute. 20 kids would circle around, take an edge, throw it up in the air and then run under and out of it as waves of color surrounded you. It was like you were the only one playing but sometime you would be caught under the color with one or two others.

I think they took these out of schools because they could were deemed dangerous and could cause suffocation if you got trapped under it.

When we start to awaken to Spirit, we realize that personality can be a trap, even dangerous, sometimes so much we forget to run through the waves of color.

When I run through the memories of my time with Grandma and the stories we share together I feel like I could suffocate, but I also don’t want to trade them in while I have my breath in my body to move through it.

I spent my early mornings in India sitting in a gazing meditation over the sea. At dawn everything is black until the sun begins to shine through the darkness and colors the scene before me.

Allow the light to shine through you, creating what it wills.

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Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Brooke Raymond/Flickr