Caution: adult language ahead! 

Who really gives a fuck about adulthood except women who are in relationships with men that “have a lot of potential,” but just won’t seem to grow up?

Adulthood isn’t a very sexy topic. Getting rich quick or getting what you want is sexy.

And not all that glitters is gold. Sometimes it is cheap imitation shit. Sometimes people fake adulthood by assuming that because they are doing adult-like things such as having kids, earning money and owning a home that it equates to actual adulthood. It doesn’t.

Adulthood takes emotional maturity that goes way beyond the instincts that drive working, having kids and owning a home. As a counselor, couples will come into my office ready to end their relationship because one person is playing the “parent to their spouse” role and the other person is using “earning money” as proof that they are in fact an adult.

What is really happening is that both people are keeping score of “what’s fair” and are stuck in an adolescent loop.

The reward of adulthood is being comfortable with who you are, clear on the gifts you have to share with the world and choosing in which directions to give a fuck. Getting to adulthood is like a walk-about or a vision quest.

Somewhat akin to the book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, I think there are (at least) five thresholds you have to pass through to get to and reap the rewards of being an adult:

1. Our Inner Child: When crossing the threshold into adulthood our inner child behaves a little like a shit-throwing monkey. It is disruptive, throws tantrums, wants to be taken care of all the time, wants total attention and has only one priority: “me.” Most people deal with the shock-waves that come from their inner child by disassociating—not listening and checking out.

The slightest twinge of discomfort will send the mind into a tail spin with thoughts like:

“Why am I not getting what I want when I want it?”

“There is something wrong here!”

“I shouldn’t have to work to get what I want. It should just be given to me because I’m a human and deserve it.”

When the inner child doesn’t get attention it looks like an entitled, narcissistic, asshole of a human.
When the inner child is acknowledged and attended to, the result is an honest human being who trusts themselves, is discerning but not judgmental, and who is really excited about being alive. They are grateful for the little things and are powerful creators.

2. OMG, I’m Turning into My Parents: In order to transform into an adult we have to learn to parent ourselves. Parents are quintessentially providers, mentors and teachers. When trying to parent ourselves the first thing we will do is return to what is familiar—how we were brought up. And the light turns on the moment we can realize, “I’m acting like my father/mother.” (In my case, a neurotic mess who had to categorize everything–Love you mom!)

Then there is the rebellion towards that notion which often gives rise to the idea that adding some other element will magically transform having to repeat your family’s history.

This threshold often takes the form of buying into the romantic fantasy that a spouse will save you and solve all your problems and if only you were rich everything would be okay–only to be really effin’ disappointed. As pessimistic as it sounds, disappointment is the proving grounds of adulthood. It strips away the “supposed to be” right down to the nuts and bolts of  “this is how it is.”

When a person is stuck here, unable to endure the shredding apart of fantasy for taking responsibility, they show up as codependent, addicted and desperate. Conversely, if a person does cross over this threshold they are responsible, trustworthy, honest, loyal and kind.

3. I Don’t Want to Work for a Living: Amen. Working blows. Wanting to do what you love and get paid for it might be a new consensus and a good one. The threshold here is being willing to think for yourself rather than numb out and just “get a job.”

The difference between a job and a vocation is a job is what you do to earn money so you can pay your bills. A vocation is the lifelong dedication to your chosen art form, gift or craft that also pays the bills. It is a willingness to be who you are in the world no matter how little or how much money it makes you.

Crossing this threshold is a real test of character because it spits in the face of basic survival. It kinda rearranges Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. If a person refuses their calling they can often show up in the world somewhat like a mindless zombie who is emotionally frustrated and sensory addicted—always chasing the next high. A person who crosses this threshold is someone who is willing to make a life and a living. They are devoted, focused, convicted, honorable and gracious.

4. Don’t Tell Me What To Do: This threshold is pretty basic. It is the chant of the adolescent who is ready to launch into the world. And most people stop here because, as you recall, adolescence is fucking painful. Your body feels weird and is doing weird things; you are horny, hungry, and tired all the time; you are looking around to see what everyone else is doing to make sure you are doing it right but not like they do it; validation might as well be oxygen; and no one “gets you.”

As an adult this can feel like being a failure. The difference between the person who crosses over this threshold and one who stays stuck here is the willingness to keep learning, growing, failing and expanding. You will notice I said, “Failing.” Failing simply means making an attempt in a certain direction, not quite getting there, learning, reformulating and trying again.

When the leap across this threshold is successful a person will be described as mature, able to take the long-view, has goals and plans for the future and is able to be vulnerable.

5. The Unknown: This threshold is cyclical throughout the aging and maturing process. This threshold is subtle at times and is mostly marked with a sense of terror. There is no life raft, no book you can read, show you can watch, conversation that you can have that will fill the void. It just has to be blank.

It is easy to see why people remain adolescents in aging bodies. We are a need-to-know society fat on information overload. The terror that comes with this threshold is often masked by arrogance. Think of Fox News commentators. They are just critical assholes who aren’t creating anything but dissension (don’t get stuck on the example). This threshold is full of people who are critical, who are giving you (bad) advice and who shit on your dreams.

If nothing else, fill the unknown with imagination, dreaming and spontaneity. These are the characteristics of someone who can hang-out in the unknown. Further, they are able to trust the process and are generally optimistic that things will work out one way or another. They care without being severally attached.

The rewards that await you can be summed up in a simple phrase, “Living a good life.” You will have loved well. You will have made a difference. You will have had an impact.

You do matter. You do have a voice with value. You do have something to contribute. And you can reap all these rewards and more if you are willing to do the hard work, cross the thresholds and climb your way to the top. Destination: Adulthood.

~
~

Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Charliemagne Unggay/Pixoto