The secret to becoming multi-orgasmic is not what you think.

I know that for many women it can be hard, if not impossible, to reach orgasm. For others, the stars have to align, so to speak. Then, when it does happen, it’s not always so spectacular, not always quite so worth the effort.

Sometimes it can feel more like a moral victory, the pride of having accomplished something, rather than the bliss of the experience. Or it can just feel like relief that we haven’t let our partners down.

Then, there can be the disappointment of not reaching orgasm every time we have sex. Or with everyone we have sex with. It seems reasonable, doesn’t it? Men can orgasm with nearly anyone, why shouldn’t we?

You have probably heard of the SOW. Super Orgasmic Woman. The SOW is a kind of superheroine, going off like a firecracker with every coital interaction. She is regarded with awe. You are being compared to her by your lovers, you are certain of it.

Oh, yes. I hear you. I know SOWs; I even managed to become one. It’s what we all want, right? Many women, myself included, share the post-feminist belief in our indisputable right to climax, whenever we want, however we choose, with anybody.

Except that…guess what? It’s a male standard. The fact is, women aren’t made to cum like men—it doesn’t mean we can’t, it’s just that it’s not the evolutionary reality of females to behave sexually like men when it comes to how long it takes to climax, how often, and who with. Men on average take 2-4 minutes to have an orgasm, can ejaculate into most anyone given the right stimulation, and that suits their evolutionary need to spread their seed far and wide.

Women can take up to 20 minutes, and can’t do it with just any partner, anytime, and this suits our needs to be with the right person, the best provider of a genetic code. To find the most stable and reliable caveman to protect us. Moreover, a woman produces oxytocin at orgasm, which is the bonding hormone, whereas a man produces dopamine, the hormone of addiction, craving, and doping out.

Want more proof? According to the book Love by Numbers, by John Croucher, married women have many times more orgasms than unmarried women in relationships. A woman’s heart connection to a partner is a hugely decisive factor in her ability to orgasm.

In short, the female orgasm is more about our hearts. I should acknowledge that of course men crave emotional intimacy! But, let’s face it, rarely are they unable to have orgasms in the absence of such a connection.

My observation from working with female clients and observing super orgasmic women in my personal life is that these women have a few key things in common.

• They don’t have shame or inhibitions around their genitals, or more broadly, around sexuality;
• They masturbate and enjoy it;
• They have emotional security in a relationship; even if that relationship is with themselves, but most especially when it is with a loving partner.

This last bit is quite critical to understand. Women often become multi-orgasmic in a love relationship when they feel attended to emotionally, safe, and secure, in addition to having a partner who knows how to pleasure her. It’s not uncommon for a woman who has never been particularly orgasmic to shift when she finds herself connected to the right person. In the absence of this kind of relationship, I know women who have gone on a journey of self-love, and with their own self-generated emotional security can train themselves to orgasm whenever and with whomever they like—though such women are rare, in my experience.

To expect ourselves to orgasm like men is unrealistic, but more importantly, it can take us away from listening to what our heart really needs.

I learned this myself, probably the hard way. I took it as a personal life goal to liberate my sexuality to the extent that my orgasms were mine, each one my body’s valiant act of self-affirmation, and not something donated, worked for, or induced by another body. Teaching my body to let go and just climax whenever with whomever required meditation, breath, mindfulness, lots of masturbation, and quite a few partners. In the end, it was a Pyrrhic victory. An orgasm felt…blah. Without a regular partner, without a relationship, without love, they weren’t all that exciting.

That was the turning point.

One day, with quiet determination, I determined to cherish myself all by myself, this body untouched by love, a body that only, solely, and completely, belonged to me, and to stop giving my orgasms away, and wait for the best ones, the ones that came with deep emotional connection.

Being more orgasmic is a great goal to have, but more important is the need to understand and acknowledge what orgasms mean to us as individuals, and the context in which they are especially wonderful. It’s a journey that very likely begins in the heart.

Relephant Reads:

Women: Your Orgasms are Shameful, Sinful & a Danger to Society. {Adult}

10 Ways to Become Sexually Empowered & Start Having Orgasms Like you Mean it. {Adult}

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Author: Emma Michelle Dixon

Editor: Travis May

Image: SimplyAbbey