How to Build the Perfect Breasts In Three Easy to Follow Steps.

Boobies and Knockers and Jugs. Oh My!

Thank the Goddess for Scientists.

I mean, what would we women do without the amazing discoveries coming out in the world of breast enhancement?

Wired Magazine devoted their cover to “Grow your Own,” as they put it:

Wired Magazine just printed a feature, in-depth article regarding a new surgery technique—technique that promises to end this plague of imperfect breasts, once and for all. Thank the Goddess again that we women have a new, better way to fulfill our civic and capitalist duty to…look like everybody else. Because it would just be shameful for women to have a variety of body shapes and sizes. I mean really, how disgusting.

This procedure is a perfect way to kill two ugly birds with one stone. Why? Because it sucks the stem-cell enriched fat cells straight from your abdomen (cause we could always lose a few there, right?). Then, the cells are processed in a mega-awesome scientific apparatus, and finally the stem-cell enriched fat cells are slowly and methodically inserted into the breasts to plump them up nice and easy like.

The whole surgery takes all of, like, two hours—just a small price to pay considering that we women won’t have to live with inadequate racks any longer.

Plus, it’s perfectly “natural.”

It’s all just a transfer of one part of the body to the another, sort of like those twin artists who cut off each other’s body parts and sew them back on their bodies rearranged.

This is even better news for Australian women of the adult entertainment industry who recently were banned from the spotlight if they had an A cup or under. (Something about looking too adolescent, though we all know it was because they were insufficient in the boobage area).

The new discovery is not so great for websites like the Normal Breast Gallery, which show, through an extensive array of pictures, how breasts come in all shapes and sizes. I mean what were they thinking? Is that supposed to be some kind of sick joke? We all know what the perfect breasts are supposed to look like right? Surely there can’t be “variety”.

So What’s a Girl to Do?

With every great creation, every great advancement in science, every step towards improved technology comes backlash.

Take the bomb.

Take the printing press.

Take cocaine.

Take punk music.

Take sliced bread.

There is good, evil, and a whole lot of gray area in-between.

With this particular boobtacular scientific development it’s much easier to see the obvious evil, but I swear there is some good here.

Somewhere.

Oh yeah. So it’s designed to help woman who have had partial mastectomies or lumpectomies. Surgeons can pinpoint specific areas and simply refill the hole.

And it’s being used to better develop regenerative medicine to help with issues that are actually medical concerns (not just aesthetic enhancements) such as heart, kidney and sphincter problems.

According to the Wired article:

It makes sense to apply Cytori’s technology to enhance breasts instead of, say, repair urinary sphincters as a strategic way to move the patented technology out of rats and into people as soon as possible. Hearts, kidneys, and even sphincters have to work in order for us to survive. But we can live just fine without breast tissue, and, outside of feeding offspring, breasts don’t have to do much. The fact is, the scientific and regulatory hurdles to getting Cytori’s cells into clinical use will be easier to clear for breasts than for other tissue: Breasts simply aren’t as necessary as other organs, so the bar for proving to regulators that the technology works will be lower.

So the plan is to use women’s “imperfections” as research.

Aw. I get it. Women who have nothing better to do with their money will have this procedure because society has convinced them that they don’t look good enough, they’ll never look good enough, and because of that they will have to alter their appearance all the way to their Botox death bed, just so scientists can get more funds for more research to actually use this scientific technique to create regenerate medicine that actually works. Whew. So. Ladies. They’re using your lack of personal confidence to make sure that the procedure isn’t actually lethal in the long term. (Because your boobs can fall off, but you don’t want your sphincters to close or your heart to explode.)

Oh and let’s not forget about all the surgeons who learn this new technique and start advertising it as a safer, healthier, natural alternative to implants—these unethical a-holes will be rolling in the dough of thousands of low self-esteem-shape-shifters everywhere.

Isn’t it just amazing how scientists are working so hard to make women look better!

I love how we women all have the ability to transform ourselves into super sexually attractive beings…and yet these scientists haven’t done much of anything to improve birth control to make it safer, more effective, and healthier for us and the entire planet. But that’s okay, cause it’s our sole job as women to have sex and make babies right?

For more of Krystal’s articles, check out her thoughts on open relationships, eco-friendly sex, shaving, being more queer and psychics.