We all know sex is about communication: Sex is the language, intimacy is the message. So when we’re making love, who’s talking?

During the actual act of sexual intercourse, there’s movement. Lots of movement.

Think back to your most recent sexual encounter with your partner. Ask yourself: When I move my body as I make love, is it to increase my own pleasure or to provide pleasure for my partner?

I hear you shouting jubilantly, “It’s both, Rachel!” Ideally, yes. And sometimes that is the case: As we swivel and roll our hips, twist and pivot, thrust and grind, we’re not only feeling good, but getting off on the thought that this may be giving our partner pleasure as well.

But sometimes—and we all know this is true—the sex groove is a one-sided deal.

Sometimes our lover is the one concentrating on his or her pleasure. The movements he or she makes are clearly for self-arousal. At this point, we may rest into it. Receive.

Men, you may click into visual mode and savor the sight of your partner riding you for all you’re worth.

Women, you may be literally on the receiving end, taking in the glory of your partner’s stimulation.

The Give-and-Take

When our partner has switched over into self-pleasuring mode, often our instinct is to go with it, encourage it, even take part in enhancing it by returning the grind or thrust or whatever dance is happening at the moment.

There’s a great level of communication that many of us miss during this shining moment. The next time you feel your partner moving into his or her own pleasure, do nothing. Observe. Do not work to improve upon it; remain witness to the beauty of your partner’s excitement.

Once you’re shifted your perception to that of sacred observer, you will learn two things:

1. This is really hot.
2. Your partner is talking to you with his/her body.

Listen.

For goddess’s sake, listen to what is being said.

What Does a Body Say?

Exactly what is being communicated by your partner depends, of course, upon your partner. Much also depends on the moment itself. It could be that your partner’s body is letting you in on particular rhythms that he or she finds soothing, arousing or spiritually connective. Learn them.

You will not be quizzed on this later; this is not school. When I say “learn them,” I mean pull them into your own body at that exact moment. Listen to what your partner is saying. It could be: I need you. I want you. I am in my bliss; witness it!

Yes, you may find that there are patterns. For example, your partner may return to the same or similar movements at certain times. Let’s say, a male partner’s increase in depth and thrust when he’s getting closer to climaxing. By all means, take note of this for future lovemaking sessions.

But sometimes, your partner may simply be speaking to you on a non-verbal level—in effect, letting you in on what she is experiencing at that moment.

Once you listen deeply to your partner’s silent communication, I swear to you, your body will begin to respond in kind. No need to think, Will he like this? Is this deep enough? Am I doing it too fast? Your body has been listening carefully, and any movement you make in response will be the right one.

Now you’re talking.

Relephant:

Q & A: Masturbation & the Female Orgasm. {Adult}

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Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Travis May

Image: Flickr/See-ming Lee