Okay, let’s clear a few things things up:

First, I masturbate. I do.

And so do you…well, most likely you do or have tried, though not everybody does (and that’s okay).

And everyone has different rhythms and cycles; from the every day pleasure-phile to the once in a blue moon occasional pleasure seeker.

And, I do use the word “masturbate” in everyday talk. However, I also have an anthropologist’s mind and I like understanding etymology and what those origins say about us and our cultural beliefs. The word masturbate has several possible etymological origins, but among them is latin manus meaning hand and stuprare, meaning to defile (oneself), to dishonor.

So, let’s be clear: the main, clinical word we use to describe our most basic sexual experience means, “to defile or dishonor oneself with one’s hand.”

This says something about us, our beliefs and our relationship to pleasure, especially pleasure that is self provided.

When I talk to people about masturbation in my sexuality coaching practice we usually start with masturbation, and even people who have a joyful, playful connection with providing pleasure to themselves still come from this sex negative, pleasure ambivalent stew pot that is our culture. It impacts all of us. The word masturbate perfectly captures all of our modern cultural disconnection from our own bodies and discomfort in taking ownership of our own bodily pleasure. This ambivalence lives in us down to our bones. It’s in our cells.

Another thing we should be clear on: masturbation is sex. It just is. It is solo sex. Again, in my practice or in groups I facilitate I will ask the question, “When did you first have sex?” The answers almost always focus on the first time people have had partnered sex, and as is typical in a sexually un-mentored society, the answers are often fraught with regret, fear, alcohol and anxiety. When I include masturbation as a possibility for one’s first sexual experience, it takes people aback. It’s hard for them to wrap their minds around. It is as if self doesn’t matter.

But masturbation is sex. It’s important. It’s your primary sexual relationship.

It’s not “less than,” it’s not the sex you have when you can’t get “real sex.” How you do yourself (or don’t) can be a key in understanding your deeper erotic needs and your huge erotic potential. I often tell people one of the lessons here is, “Don’t be in such a hurry to get to someone else that you forget about yourself.”

We are, though—we are in such a hurry.

This leads to the fact that masturbation is good for you! Far from being selfish or narcissistic, it can actually help your relationship, too. It isn’t spiritually or emotionally or physically deleterious, though the shame that cripples some people in relation to solo sex can be damaging.

But the shame isn’t intrinsic to the experience. Masturbation isn’t a transgression against the relationship, a form of cheating. Masturbation is you learning about you; your body, your pleasure, what makes you tick, what moves you erotically.

It is your erotic autonomy.

It can be a fertile ground for learning even more about yourself in relationship. When you bring masturbation into this realm it can be like erotic learning in overdrive with your partner. Knowing yourself is how you help your partner get to know you. And witnessing or being witnessed in solo sex is being intimate and vulnerable in a way that many people find heart opening and scary the first time out of the gate.

So okay, masturbation is a sex-negative word, solo sex is good for us and good for relationships and it’s our primary sexual means of expression. Where does that leave us? And if masturbate is an ambivalent word at best, what shall it be called?

I say, call it what you will, be it masturbation or solo sex or any of the amazing euphemisms we have come up with to name this activity (though many of them are pretty dismissive). Here’s a term I tend to use in order to widen the scope of what masturbation can be and to invite the practice and the learning that can be part of solo sex: Self Pleasure.

Self pleasure I call simply the act of providing pleasure to yourself. Makes sense. But it includes the wider scope of experience ranging from sensual touch to full on erotic expression.

It can be genitally focused, full body focused or an oscillation back and forth between the two. It can involve using breath and movement, prayer and intention, even focus on some outer vision or goal. And, so as to not to get too lofty and high minded, it can include the finest sex toys, the randiest fantasizing and the steamiest porn you can get your hands on. It can even involve self pleasuring with your partner.

If you really want to push your edges as far as vulnerability goes, you could even self pleasure in a group or with friends as long as a good, integrated “container” is created for the experience. The first time I experienced self pleasuring in a group of friends the words that went through me were, “Why don’t I know you in this way. Why haven’t I ever seen this? Why is this not okay?” I cried. And I realized that we’re missing something here in our closed off, hidden relationship to our basic humanness. We are missing the deep healing of being seen.

Self pleasure can be a practice: the practice of feeling yourself. The practice of connecting with and taking ownership of your pleasure and your body. It can be more than getting off quickly without anyone hearing, though getting off quickly is a beautiful thing, too.

But self pleasure can be like a painting palette, where instead of having one or two colors you have many colors to choose from and to mix together. And this is where I begin with the people I work with as they begin their erotic re-education, their somatic re-wilding. We go back to the beginning, back to the time before self-doubt and disconnection from bodily experience. We go back to the fetus in-utero that touches for pleasure, the infant and the toddler who intuitively seek pleasure in their bodies and their genitals until the adult world grimaces them out of it.

We go back to our primary lover, ourselves, so that we can bring the creativity, passion and erotic intelligence into our lives, our relationships and to the world.

Enjoy your practice and remember, there’s no wrong way to do this. Don’t add another layer of shame on top of the layers of cultural baggage about self pleasure. Only add curiosity, play and the set-aside the time to explore!

~

To support healthy experiences of pleasure and combat sexual shame I’ve created the The Self Pleasure Project. This project is a series of sit down, audio recorded interviews with everyday, ordinary people about their relationship with self pleasure; past and present, joyful and challenging. The interviewees are invited to unfold their stories, some stories never told or shared before to anyone. Some participants have described the experience of being interviewed as freeing and liberating in a way that they they had not anticipated. The other part of the project is the photographic witnessing of people in their honest experience of self pleasure. Not everyone chooses to be photographed of course since this is about as edgy as it gets for many people. But for those who have been witnessed in this way it has also supported a powerful unfolding and unpacking of shame and fear for many of them. The vision of the project is to normalize the absolutely normal, to empower and support people in taking ownership of their eroticism, to allow the stories of a few to initiate conversation and give permission to the many. The end result will be a photo/essay coffee table book with the interwoven words and photos of the participants. If you would like more information about the Self Pleasure Project or would like to participate you can check out our Facebook page and Indiegogo Campaign.

Relephant Read:

5 Ways To Pleasure Yourself.

Author: Victor Warring

Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: Author’s Own