There are so many words to convey the meaning of a person you’ll spend the rest of your life with: soulmate, other half, better half, twin flame, the one, significant other, husband, wife, partner, lover, spouse.
And as a love coach, people always assume that I’m married. They are mistaken—and at times, I simply politely ignore their incorrect assumption.
But sometimes, I correct the offending party and let him or her know that “we’re not married.” To which they immediately look embarrassed, then shocked, and then ultimately, confused.
And the unspoken question hangs in the air: “How are you a love coach if you’re not married?”
Or more accurately, I’m sure they are thinking: “How are you a good love coach if you’re not married?”
It’s a valid question, but it’s also a bit insulting. It assumes that I believe in a certain type of relationship and a certain stereotype of what finding true love means.
Perhaps I am gay.
Perhaps my spouse passed away.
Perhaps my religion forbids marriage to someone outside of my religion.
Perhaps I don’t believe in marriage.
Perhaps the last statement above is much closer to the truth than the other three.
You see, regardless of the fact that I’m a love coach, I don’t necessarily believe in marriage. I don’t believe that anything in life is certain. I don’t believe that soulmates equal forever. I think “the one” can be the one for a while. But there’s no guarantee that he’ll equal forever.
And I know that plenty of other love coaches will declare otherwise. They’ll tell you that you can find your twin flame, and you’ll spend the rest of your life with him or her, and you’ll enjoy “happily ever after.”
That’s not what I teach. And that’s not what I believe.
I love my man dearly, but there has never been an ounce of my being that believes that I’ll be with him forever. I’m not that naive. The only constant in life is change. My soulmate might be by my side for the rest of my life, or he might be by my side for the better part of a decade. Or, we might end it tomorrow.
I don’t think that I’m being cynical. Or that I’m blocking myself off from love. Or that I’ve got issues. I think I’m simply being practical.
I teach my clients to raise their vibration and attract in an amazing, high-quality partner who is a match for their new vibration. But who they are attracting is a match for who they are at this point and time. Might that change? Might the two partners grow at different speeds and at one point decide that it’s simply not working out anymore, regardless of how much love and respect they share for one another?
If I’m offending you, I don’t apologize. This is the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.
I’ve always been on the trajectory of extreme personal growth. And many times in my life, I’ve simply outgrown those around me. And there’s a chance this could happen with my partner.
And why would I go through the effort of marrying someone and making the vows of ’til death do us part, if I don’t believe that it’s true?
Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not knocking the institution of marriage. And for many, marriage is the right choice. If you believe in marriage, and you are willing to commit to a person and growing together (and fighting together), and ultimately staying together for the rest of your lives, then please, by all means, tie the knot.
But if you’re the 50 percnt of the population that seems to think that marriage is something that is as easily tossed away as yesterday’s newspaper, I ask you to consider a bit more what promises you’re making…and why you’re not keeping your promises.
I won’t make a promise that I am not 100 percent certain I’ll keep.
And I don’t think it’s healthy to stay with someone once you’ve outgrown the relationship and it’s no longer serving the betterment of both parties.
And I’m also not a fortuneteller who can predict the future.
Do I love my partner as much as I possibly can? You bet yer sweet ass I do!
Will I be with my partner for the rest of my life? It’s a possibility.
Am I always looking to become a better person and go deeper into my personal growth and what lights my heart and soul on fire and to serve in a greater capacity on this planet? Heavens, yes!
And that’s the only thing I know for certain in my life…I think.
~
Relephant:
Don’t Settle for Misery, Get Out of the Unhappy Relationship
I’m Married, But I Don’t Believe in “The One.”
~
Author: Emyrald Sinclaire
Image: courtesy of author
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
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What if you have children? Would you still accept people out grow each other and it’s ok to move on?
Most children are intuitive enough to know that their parents are stuck in an unhappy, forced relationship (one to which they cling out of duty, guilt, need to keep a promise, whatever). They can read energy just as well as an adult. Do them a favor, and do yourself a favor: have the courage to be true to yourself, to your needs. Show them that Mother and Father can still love one another and the children just as much, possibly more, when they are not stuck in an unhappy relationship.
*their no there
@natalie – I would agree with @kelly! it’s much more important to teach your children the lesson that nothing is more important than being happy and following your heart. Why would you want to send the message to ‘stay together only for the kids’? When in fact, there life could actually become a lot richer if both parents were happy and in fulfilling relationships? Isn’t that a better message to give?
xo
Emyrald
http://www.emyraldsinclaire.com
We are all “Love Coaches”.
I would personally never get advice from someone called a “love Coach”. Particularly if they have never been married or had children. There was a time many years ago that I may have agreed with this article but after experiencing marriage and having a child I have a new definition of Love.
I would have to agree with Michelle. Even going to a marriage therapist who has never been married, nor had children, would also be a step too far. At age 70, I’ve been married twice – both were total disasters, and I’ve had my heart broken more times than that. Believe me, I would NEVER pretend to know enough about love to advise anyone else about who they choose to be with.
As a love coach, I find it disappointing that you speak of love as a noun mostly, and that when that runs out of your relationship/marriage, well, then that’s the end of that. It sounds like you condone this idea that committed love is a consumable resource, and when it runs out it’s ok to and find another person who will offer me this “love.” However, human relationships aren’t consumables. When it’s rough in a committed relationship, it means it’s time for the real love to come out. The love that is a verb. The love that gets you to look deeply at yourself and put yourself out of your comfort zone. The loving that makes you work towards a common goal of keeping a fire alive. The loving that teaches you to endure and persist beyond comfort. I have found that when I stopped looking for others to provide me with “love” I learned to love. if you toss aside a relationship that is temporarily going sour, you give up that possibility of achieving an even deeper love. Having kids and staying in a committed relationship give people that opportunity to discover that kind of love. The one you contribute to, not just wait to achieve passively.
I think it’s all in the history of marriage….. it is a socio-culturally produced framework. An historically arranged alliance that has, over centuries evolved and established itself to suit nations, religions and monarchies…… it’s inception a long way from the mysteries of love.
Personally I think your article is beautiful, ultimately you are saying that being practical, yet committed to personal growth (self awareness) may lead to a life long partnership anyhow. Having a marriage certificate works for some but for others it may impose boundaries that doesn’t allow personal growth, it promotes abiding by a structure, a social framework that is contractually sensitive and now steeped in modern tradition which can equal abiding by rules that are not conducive to an individuals change of heart .
It takes a very strong person to push boundaries….. unfortunately, all around us are unhappy people stagnating, not having the opportunity to be loved or love because of a contract, a tradition, and todays society sometimes looks down on pushing or better yet divorcing from those boundaries.
Than you for this article. I feel the exact same way but often have a hard time explaining it. I’ve never married but am in love with someone. I’ve loved them for 30yrs, but had separate lives for many years and families. However, I do think that teaching humans to sustain unhappiness so that the marriage is maintained, is missing the point of life, love and purpose. Probably why there’s so many angry and confused people in the world. Teaching love, kindness and respect are far more important.